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| The Future |
Wouldn't it be nice (sometimes) to have a Crystal Ball that would tell you all the right decisions to make and where those decisions would lead you???
A year ago to day I found myself in the VERY unfortunate and EXTREMELY unexpected position of being separated from my husband! I can't believe it has been a year! It has been some journey! When I first registered the news, I was devastated. I didn't want to go on. I had bought the book The Secret about a week before the "news". After going without sleep for about 30 hours, I finally got some sleep and when I woke up, I picked up the book and began to read. It gave me a "glimmer" of hope and that was sufficient for that moment. That book led to another book, and then another and so on. At this point NO ONE knew of my husband's decision. I had wanted to wait until the end of the children's school year to tell them and we decided that we wouldn't tell anyone until we had told the children first. This would also give me approximately 6 months to try to deparately "save my marriage"! :o) However, what was interesting, the more books I read, the more I grew as a person.
I grew up in a Christian-based home with an absolutely incredible mother. She continues to be such a source of inspiration to me. She has an incredible peace within her and a quiet but unbelievable strength. Her faith has carried her through many trails and tribulations where many would never have been able to endure. My Mum NEVER yelled (a trait I really wished I would have inherited and I'm sure it's one my own children wish for as well!!  ) Although, mum had a way of dropping her voice just a slight tone and it froze you in your tracks! We always referred to it as her "teacher voice". She was an incredible school teacher, but then my sister became ill and it was too hard for mum to be away ... so at 51 years of age, she went back to school and got her hairdressing and barber license and set up shop in her home. She loved her teaching days, but she always had a passion for "doing" hair. She is now in her 81st year and she is still working in that same shop in her home!!!! Incredible.
My journey has led me from thinking I was in control of everything in my life and that the Universe was MINE to do with as I saw fit - to realizing I have absolutely no CONTROL what-so-ever!!!! My journey has brought me back to my christian faith "roots". I also realize that I do not have to walk this journey alone!
Three things I have always believed. (1) There is a God (2) He sent His only Son to die for the sins of all mankind and (3) that He rose again from the dead that we may all have the opportunity to share an eternal life with Him. For a very long time, I ran from my upbringing. I denied it. I believed the above statements BUT I sure didn't want to say it too loud! Didn't want any body to think I was a "bible thumper"!!! For a long time I use to always say my prayers before going to sleep (but I have to be honest, it was kind of like my Insurance Policy - just in case I didn't wake up in the morning, I wanted to be sure I had mentioned the things I had done wrong and that I was sorry for - EVEN THOUGH, I had EVERY intention of doing them all again the next day!!!). I realize I never developed a relationship with God. He was always "UP there" and I was always "DOWN here". I didn't realize I could take His Hand and walk this journey, called Life, with Him always by my side. It is still a very new "thought" process for me, but there are moments when I feel such peace and contentment within that I KNOW I am on the right path. I also have the example of my Mum and what her walk with God has meant to her and how it has carried her. I am reminded of the poem "Footprints in the Sand" when the person asked God "Why, at the worst times in my life, there is only one set of footprints - why did you leave me?" and God replied, "My child, I never left you, it was at those most difficult times, that I carried you"!!!
I realize I have to forgive my husband - NOT for reconcillation purposes, NOT because he has asked me to, BUT for ME!!! For my own sake and for my own peace. Sometimes I have to do this several times a day, but I truly believe the more I lay it down, the less often I will have to! I think of Jesus nailed to that cross and the pain he must have felt (not only physically which is beyond our comprehension or imagination) but the mental hurt and betrayal His human-ness would have felt) and what were his last words "Forgive them Father, for they know NOT what they do"! If Jesus, in all that pain and torment, could utter those words and in doing so, and in laying His life down, that I may have eternal life; it makes my act of "forgiving" MUCH easier to face!
I do not want to waste my time lamenting about the past. I don't want a life filled with bitterness and resentment. I want to try and live each day to the fullest knowing God has a plan for me - a far better plan than I could ever come up with on my own!!! I get up very early in the morning, the house is quiet and calm .... that is my "God Time". I start with a prayer of gratitude and a request for guidance and then I read ... I have read some wonderful books that have touched my heart in so many ways. Books by authors like; Bill Graham, Beth Moore, Joyce Meyer, Dr. Charles Stanley, etc. People who are willing to share what God has done for them in their lives. I also try to read a little bit of the Bible each day too. It is a wonderful way to start my day! I take great comfort from Jeremiah 29, verse 11: "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." That's good enough for ME as I begin this new chapter in my life!
Thanks for reading,
Lisa
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Posted by Lisa248 on 2008-03-14 06:43:05 | Rating: | Views: 147
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