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my father came down from JHB for the weekend – I have not seen him in over a year. The aim of the visit was for me and my older sister to speak to him and level with him in the first time in our lives…to let him know what has bothered us in the past and speak from our hearts…so we sit there at the restaurant, as far as I recall me and my sister had a lot to get off our chests like we discussed before he came, she sat back and watched me speak for the both of us – I looked like the only one that “had a problem”, she defended him and I feel so betrayed. My father has a problem with my partner because he is of a mixed race and my dad is from a staunch Portuguese household. Me and my partner have been together for over 3 years already and he knows it. He said he was accepting the idea etc. and it felt good to know that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel, but then he slipped up. And I mean BIG TIME cock up. He said ”but there is one thing I worry about im worried about you two getting married and having kids, have you wondered what your kids would look like? Little coloured kids running around” with this stupid laugh in his face – I was gobsmacked – how could he not know how hurtful and wrong and ignorant it is to say such a thing? My sister came back from the loo in the middle of his profound moment of stupidity and she was saying “oh but Lisa maybe dad just means that its difficult at school for kids being a mixed race etc”, she twisted his malicious words around and made it sound like he was just worried about how the world would see our kids – the world is not what it used to be – its 2008 for fucks sakes!!!!!!!!! I started to boil, tears rolled furiously down my face and I wanted to shake my dad and ask him what the hell was the matter with him.. I sat there and said to him that it was the worst thing he could ever say to me. So shallow, so hurtful. I said to him that I was deeply offended by it, who else do I want my kids to look like other than me and its father? Who else? I want my kids to look like my partner – how could he say such a thing??? My sister sat there next to me and tried to rationalise it all. She got all uncomfortable and aloof when she saw how emotional I was getting, almost like the way you look at a drunk person crying at a party – looking down on me because I showed some emotion in a restaurant. I then realised that she NEVER stands up for me, for anyone if it means that her ass would be on the line for it. So the weekend was spent with my dad speaking mostly to my sister and her husband, since he is white and he has his own business – he was accepted by my dad. Yay for me. I ended up feeling like I have done something wrong with my life? Like im the evil twin of my sister. He was blatantly showing to me that he was happy with her and her life choices etc. and that he didn’t approve of my choices at all. I started feeling like I needed to impress him, that if I just showed him my partner, showed him how we are going somewhere in life, that maybe he would accept me?... needless to say he left to go back home to his plastic wife and her two brats (who are 4 years older than me and still staying at his house) – that I realise he does not deserve it anyway. That his stamp of approval should mean shit to me. After all these years I’m still finding it out (over and over again) that its just not worth it. Yet I see him aging and I want to cry. He is getting so old now – what a waste of time our lives had become. We have probably never had a heart to heart in our lives because he cannot handle the truth. Its so hard to let go and accept. How do I fall back into this mess every time I try to sort things with my dad – everytime he comes down, every time I have called or visited him I end up kicking myself.. I feel like a fucking fly hitting the window “maybe this, maybe this time..” ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish that I could understand him
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Posted by Lisa20 on 2008-03-03 02:35:25 | Rating: | Views: 75
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Nothing is harder to deal with I think than parents who have a moral philosophy that is just plain wrong. My friend is of Indian descent (i.e. from India not aboriginal) and he has a girlfriend who is white and they have had a baby together. His parents were very, very disapproving of him having a relationship with someone who was white. I remember when I was helping him move out of his parents' house (because of their intolerance towards his girlfriend) them telling him that God would punish him for being a disobedient son, etc. They're not bad people in many ways but they have their moralities stuck in the past, in a conservative past that blinds them to the truth of a modern, democratic and egalitarian world. Slowly they seem to be coming around and are now allowing the white girlfriend to visit the house and associate with them, but still, at heart, they dislike it and it comes out every now and then in some racist or insensitive comment. I think in the end you just have to realize that, although family is important, you shouldn't let them dictate your beliefs or your way of life and do your best to just ignore them when they stand in your way and walk around them.
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Posted by hairytoad2005
on 2008-03-03 02:55:26
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i think the only thing i am having a hard time with is that infront of my eyes i can see him accepting my sister, her wonderful life - and being more open to her. and it hurts that im left behind as if i have done something wrong, he is getting old and i dont want to have this hanging over my head when he passes away - i know its not my fault, i know that i am entitled to do what the fck i want - i guess its just that things with my mom have become so great these last couple of years since she stopped drinking she has really transformed so much that i thought things would be more than possible for me to make a connection with my dad - but i put my hopes up too high and i give him way too much power, i get sucked in too quickly and feel like im a child again trying to get his approval. i guess i just didnt expect after all these years of knowing what he is like that im so suprised and angry and hurt, that i opened up like that to him like an idiot. his old-fashioned and meaningless ideals are ruining any relationship we could ever have, and he doesnt even realise it - wish i could just shake some sense into him because he is wasting precious time that we could have together - the kind of time we never had when we were kids! but again, i know my hopes are just too high even for him.
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Posted by Lisa20
on 2008-03-03 05:15:59
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Yeah, I hear what you're saying. I'm sorry that it doesn't seem like he wants to open up his mind a little. But at least you tried to reach him. The rest is up to him.
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Posted by hairytoad2005
on 2008-03-03 06:40:13
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i guess your right - i know deep down he wont change and its sad and such a waste of time, i will never do that to my kids
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Posted by Lisa20
on 2008-03-05 00:19:57
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