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Dear Natalie,
I had been feeling anxious the past month, and I could not figure out why. It hit me in a big way this weekend that I missed your grad and that was slowly eating its way to my surface. Belated congratulations...
I miss you Natalie, and I love you with all my heart - words I know you don't want to hear. I respect that you have found happiness and that life goes on. I could only ever wish for you to be happy.
I look at photographs of you, and read emails from you and realise what I lost. I am sorry Natalie. I am filled with remorse and regret. I cringe at my own actions towards you. I am so sorry. Please understand that I never set out to destroy you. I was terribly messed up for the better part of our relationship and I took that out on you. I understand a lot more about myself now, and how and why I function the way I do, and who I am and want to be. If only I knew then what I know now hey...
I wanted to get in touch with you, just to find out if anything had changed. I don’t want a simple friendship. This you know. But I needed to know if, perhaps, by some miracle, you found yourself single and looking. I appreciate that you are happy the way you are now, whether you are with someone or not. I have no intention of unsettling that for you. But just like I know that I like certain foods and dislike others, and that I am good at my job and that I want to be a mother and I have liberal political views and so on… Just as sure as I am of those things about me, I know that I belong to you. Please don’t write me off as naïve and immature. It’s just something I am sure of inside of myself. And dear god, I have tried to undo that. My life would be easier without thoughts of you. But it would also be unfulfilled. I have no intention of making you feel guilt or pity. I am in love with you, and always will be. I have no desire to go back to the immature, whimsical, intense relationship we once shared. But that does not mean I don’t wish for a future. I wish with all my heart in every waking moment that you would open yourself up to me again and we’d get married and live a bohemian lifestyle in a beautiful open plan loft with a roof top garden and fairy lights in every tree, with adopted Thai kids and cats and goats, and holiday by the sea and throw dinner parties for our friends, and put the kids to bed and drink wine together until lines blur. I know you don’t share these beliefs. If all I ever get from you at the very end is those five years I had you in my life, that will be enough. It’s not about living in the past and holding on to what no longer exists. It’s about recognizing truth. I know my true, intended, great love… not many people can say that and I am grateful that I can.
You must surely remember how my mind runs years into the future and I am negotiating job offers overseas and considering renewing a contract here in Malawi. I just wondered if there was a chance for us, so I would know not to relocate to Russia or some other distant place. I was in South Africa the other day and considered pitching up outisde your office in some terribly hot outfit. But I have more sense now. I liked being impulsive, but I do believe that that contributed to our demise. Silly things like that have no place in a grown up world now. It's my sister's grad next year and my dad has booked the hotel (hmm, wonder where I get my obsession with the future from…?) and I panic at the thought of running in to you. I have spent a lot of time and money trying to get to a point where I don’t break down at the sheer exhaustion of missing you. But this is not my point now. I am rambling…
Peace Natalie. Find it, feel it, treasure it. I adore you, precious person, and you will always be in my heart. If you ever want me as I want you, you know where to find me.
Always and forever,
Helena
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Posted by Life_Without_Her on 2008-04-14 11:34:12 | Rating: | Views: 39
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