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Paint me with peanut butter, cover me in glitter and call me Martha, coz something even stranger than that happened: Natalie started a conversation with me. After the huge blow up last night, I seriously thought Natalie and I were in trouble.
I have always been the one to start the messenger conversations (our only way of communicating as we live in different countries) and so today I logged on and saw she was online, but I left it. Low and behold, I checked my computer a few hours later and she had started a conversation with me. When I asked her why, she said just coz we had one little fight, didn’t mean everything was over and she was giving me some of my power back by her starting the conversation. Normally I grovel first. You have to understand that I have been treated pretty much like a doormat since we started talking almost a month ago after not talking for almost nine months. She talks to me when she wants to, she will answer my emails and conversations on her terms, she is allowed to call me nicknames, but I am not allowed to call her nicknames, she chooses what we talk about and when. I told her there was no power exchange and I felt like I was being used just when she was bored and she said she was looking out for herself right now and that was all she could offer me. For her to say “she is giving power back” implies she has realized what I said was right! Of course, I don’t need her permission to take power back, I started doing already last night by standing up to her and holding my own in an argument. But the fact that she acknowledges this is something huge. Here’s what happened:
Me: why the conversation?
Natalie: what conversation?
Me: this conversation
Natalie: what you mean?
Me: i kinda figured last night was it - the end type of thing
Natalie: why did you think that? because we had an argument? thats not how it works
Me: uh, because we are not on the same page
Me: you wont back down and neither will i
Natalie: besides, i'm trying. you said that you always have to start conversations so i'm trying. giving you back some power or whatever
Me: well well well...
Me: this is interesting...
Me: you know this is interesting, right?
Natalie: we're not on the same page. I don't think we will be for a long time. I like being single at the moment, I like that if I want I can hook up with anybody at anytime. We're in different places. You want to settle and have babies, etc. I don't. Not for a long time
Me: what? lol, i dont want babies now!
Natalie: lol
Natalie: you do want babies sometime in the near future tho, dont you?
Me: no you nana, i want you. i dont want to settle down! i want babies in 10 years! i want to spend all my time with you, not babies or shopping for freakin toilet paper or washing powder! i am so not domestic right now!
Me: i want to have a life again. i want to party and stay out and travel and sleep in and do all that with you. i have no intention of setting up house! Later, but sure as hell not now
Natalie: ok
Me: but ja, i want to be part of a couple and you dont
Me: thats what different between us now
Me: not the settling down bit
Me: just the being in a relationship bit
Natalie: ok
Now she has given me that most awful thing again: hope. She relented in this conversation. She came across as realizing that I was right and she actually wanted to talk to me. So now my mind is racing. Maybe a few months down the line, she might even realize she does actually love me and she will want to be with me. I hate hope, I really do. It screws me over every time. Am I being a total pessimist because I live in a world where no one loves me and I am all alone, or am I an optimist because I think maybe Natalie will realize what I already know about “us”.
Heh, maybe I’m just a delusional nutter called Martha covered in peanut butter and glitter…
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