I have a problem with paranoia.
I get paranoid about the strangest things.
If I am on an escalator, and I hear people laughing behind me, my mind automatically tells me they are laughing at me.
Someone looks at me funny, my twisted mind again tells me they are thinking ill of me.
I say something, and then torment myself over one small sentence, because I fear that my audience may have taken it the wrong way. That's something I'm doing now, over-analysing everything that was said and done on Friday night and freaking myself out with the conclusions I am coming up with.
I also just had another paranoid delusion, thinking that because I put some photos of myself on here, that maybe someone I know might be on here at thoughts.com and be reading my posts and knowing what I'm writing about. Or writing about them. So I took the photos down.
It's stupid, it's irrational, no I'm not so egotistic that I feel that I'm so awesome that the whole world is looking at me all the time, because that is not the case at all. I know it is probably derived from my deep uncertainty about my credibility, or moreover lack of confidence in myself. Mixed with psychosis.
I wish I could stop my over-analysing and paranoid delusions. They make me so weary. Constantly thinking, and worrying, and stressing out. Adding to my anxiety. It's making me so crazy, I wil be driving in the car, analysing and creating these worse case scenarios in my mind, and have uncontrollable outbursts of profanity, or large loud sighs, in reaction to my morbid thoughts on my words and actions.
Yes, I am actually driving myself slightly mad.
"I'm one card short of a full deck
I'm not quite the shilling
One wave short of a shipwreck
I'm not my usual top billing
I'm coming down with a fever
I'm really out to sea
I think I'm a banana tree
Oh dear ..."
~Queen~
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