Someone once told me that you'll know you are getting better and establishing quality recovery when you realize the things in your life that you can accept and the things you can't. The behavior and quality of life which you seek for yourself will become apparent and when you stop accepting unacceptable behavior from people in your life instead of just going with the flow, you will find that you have reached a new level of recovery.

I'm the type of girl who has always known what I wanted in life, I always knew how to get there, only because of a spiritual loss of values, I took a little detour, but the things that I wanted in my life have never really changed, they had only taken a backseat to drugs and alcohol. All I ever really wanted from my life was to be successful. By that I mean, find love, have children, a career, a home and happiness.

The problem was, I didn't know that happiness came from within, not from your surroundings. That external things were just that, external. I didn't know that I had a choice to accept those things or not, I just thought I had to, that was life and that's what it was. I didn't know I could change the things in my life that I allowed to make me unhappy. I'm the type of girl who loves to see smiles. I love to laugh and carry on good conversation about everything and nothing all at the same time. I love to laugh til my sides hurt and tears a falling out of my eyes because I can't contain them, nor do I wish to. I'm the type of girl who loves quiet and moonlight, reading and learning, hearing the waves crash against the shore at the ocean. Holding someone so close that you actually feel like part of them. I'm the type of girl who loves to tell people that everything is going to be ok, to lift them up and give them positive feedback in a world of never ending negativity. I'm the girl who will help you pick yourself up and dust yourself off after you've fallen and will be your biggest fan when you are accomplishing something you never dreamed you could achieve, when you are bettering yourself.
I must be growing up again as lately I have begun to trust my feelings. Trusting my feelings after years of trying to bury them behind booze, drugs and other peoples wants and needs is a very hard thing. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, some of which I care not to repeat, but again there must come a day where my faith and trust in God and other people allows me to know that doesn't mean that if I ask for the answers and they come that I shouldn't act on them. Otherwise what am I praying for?

It seems as though once I am unable to get the words out of my mouth, admit that I am struggling and get on my knees and beg God to help me through this mess, call a friend am tell them I'm drowning, I will begin to feel better. Which can only mean one thing.....
I am trying to do it my way. My way mean I am trying to do it alone, control what I am feeling, control the situation and I am definitely lacking acceptance. Acceptance that things are the way they are, that some are sicker than others, that my way doesn't work and that I know when I am totally screwed I need to get back to whatever I am lacking in my life...my spirituality and my trust that people will stay by me.

Is it trust or is it acceptance? Is it both? Why do I continually feel so alone, even when I'm in my partners arms. Why does booze make it better, even if it's just temporary? When will I stop craving my best friend, my worst enemy.....Alcohol.