It has been a long time, like over a month since I have written a new blog and I don't know whether that is a good thing or not. I mean, it feels like life is just passing me by and that I am not really living in this world. I actually got a chance to slow down and enjoy one of my favorite pasttimes, which just so happens to be reading, for the joy of reading, and the first book back into this favorite hobby of mine was "Forever in Blue: The Fourth Summer of the Sisterhoood" by Ann Brashares, and let me just tell you it was pretty much everything that I wanted in an ending and more, but I wasn't writing this blog to review this amazing book that I believe that every girl should read, but because I have learned something new about myself and life and general.
I am one of 5 children, and one of 4 girls so you would think that maybe this girl knows a little bit more about sisterhood than anyone else, but to be honest, I feel just as lost in this area of my life as I do with pretty much every other area of my life right now. I mean, I have been sorta just coasting through school which was not exactly the goal I had set myself a couple of blogs ago, and thinking about it now I know how unrealistic it was for me to think that everything was going to be the same this year as it was in the last academic school year. Any way, back to what I was really trying to talk about. Halloween is coming up and I look upon this holiday as sort of a way to hide who you truly are from those that are around you. All the masks and costumes allows us to turn into someone that we have always wanted to be, or even just be someone other than ourselves for one night, because it has become too hard to face the reality of what life is really like. For me it will be a chance for me to make others around me laugh and forget their troubles just for a little while anyway. I am really good at the surface stuff, but when it comes to going really deep inside of yourself and getting into a deep relationship with other people that is when I sorta freak out a little and do whatever it takes to step back and say, "Whoa, that is too much information!", when in reality I am starving for someone to be really deep with.
What I love about this book, is that even though it only took me two days to read it, I feel like it has impacted my life for the long run. It wasn't what I expected at all, and I think that was half of the joy of reading it. It showed me that I am not the only college student out there that has given up on what they are wearing, or on love in general, or trusting the love that others have given me! It is hard in this exploration of life to realize that everyone is not the same.......We had a speaker come in today, well he wasn't really a speaker more of a painter, and at first he started painting to some music and I was like, what is this? I don't get it, what a waste of time and my tuition dollars but by the time that he was done, I was crying a little bit on the inside. I have to open myself to these new experiences.....sorry, that was really random but I have been bursting all day to tell someone that and that was like the only chance that I have, like I said it has been a really, really long time since I have divulged any new information on myself to read later on.
Anyway, back to the Sisterhood thing, yeah, I totally suck at it.....seriously, I have an older sister that I get along better with from long-distance, and by long-distance I MEAN some serious distance b/w the two of us b/c I have given up on any prayer that I had of having a real relationship with her. And then I have to younger sisters, one I am afraid of and the other I am afraid for. J is so open minded and sensible about the things going on in this world, and yet I feel like without her in my life I don't feel grounded half of the time, like maybe if she wasn't around I would be way too afraid to do anything for myself. Everytime I go home, I allow her to run all over me with her ideas on life, and love, and it is very difficult for me to be honest with her even though I love her soooo much. I just don't know what to do about her sometimes, she is crazy and even though she is younger than me I look up to her so much, for guidance and wisdom, I know right, it should probably be the other way around, but I totally suck at the wisdom thing, trust me. And then A is so academically smart that I fear that is just not getting anything out of her life other than what she can prove or reads out of a book. I don't know what to do about her sometimes. It drives me completely insane thinking about it. She will be older and in college soon, and yet I feel like she will not be prepared for it at all!
What is sisterhood to me....well, it has absolutely nothing to do with my sisters, okay, maybe that is a lie, it might have a little to do with my sisters. This book has taught me that it is okay if you have a true sisterhood outside of your family, and that sometimes it is hard to keep these friends together. I have been in a type of funk all month, from my birthday until now thinking about the future, my family crisis, and my friends, and as always my not-so-friends. How sad is it, that I continue to worry about what people who don't even like me think! I have always been more conscious about the thoughts and opinions of those who are not important to me above those of the people who truly love me, just the way I am. I have many different sisters and we each form a different kind of sisterhood, and yet I feel like life is still so incomplete. Maybe what I am looking for is a sisterhood that will trump all sisterhoods, and maybe I was hoping that it would be among those that are actually my sisters through blood, not just by my saying so. But, hey, what do I know about what the future holds in store for us?