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| It started |
Probably years ago, probably even before I was born, but it started.
They say things need to get worse before they get better, i only hope this is one of those times.
My home isn't a nice home. No two kids and a labrador kind of thing. Even though it used to be two kids and the dog (but the dog got given away as do most things here)... it has never been, and never will be, even close to -not perfection, but- normality.
Let me tell you, what i mean by "it" in the title, I mean actual phsycological harm from my father to me. My father and I have never ever had a good relationship, he's always prefered my brother (I know you'll think that's what everyone thinks, but no, trust me). My "friend" at home has always been my mother, who I love to bits. Dear daddy though, has never been able to take a day off from shouting at me, atacking me verbaly, and some times, when he decides his life is sh*t and has nothing else better to do than get drunk, has hit me in the past (this has only happened about twice, one when I was quite young, and another about two years ago, at about 12 at night, he wouldn't let me go to bed because he kept shouting at me, and ended up coming up to my room to slap my face with his great big fat hands 5 counted times, while I clenched my fists and didnt move a muscle in my face, just stared him straight in the eye while I longed to punch the shit out of him, but knew that would have ended very badly).
Anyways, don't fixate too much on that, for it has only happened a very reduced number of times, and never finished with more than a bit of physical pain and the biggest feeling of impotence and anxiety you could imagine, which I get without the violence already.
What I was saying, this will probably be long because I can never take my hatred out on anything, all I do is music and writing IF ANYTHING to try and fight it.
We have never got along, and he has always had a very very bad relationship with me. He would punish me for weeks, even months some times without going out of my room (it was May, the sun was shining and my friends were outside, while I couldnt even listen to music because I wasnt allowed my mp3 player).
This sounds exagerated, because nowadays the situation isn't like that, but it is worse really.
I'll try and move on. What has started? Well, I have always had dreams, nightmares rather, where I'd be running away, escaping from something which was obviously my father, but most of the time I'd dream that one night, then another I'd dream about my friends (probably all running away, I have never expressed anything but need of freedom while i sleep).
Now? Im starting to get worried, because for the last few months I have only dreamed about him. Directly, literally running from him, or have him shouting at me, trying to take away things from me, making me choose what I didn't want to, not let me do...well, anything, even if it was go out with a boy, he'd make a way for me not to.
I haven't changed the dreams for the past few months now, and the thing is I have never known exactly what I'd like to do in the future, but now I'm getting to university age, he's getting into it, telling me what to do, having fights (whatever we "talk" about is a fight, whatever we "do" is a fight) over what career path to choose.
Now I'm more worried still.
When I was... I don't know, probably like 3 o 4, one of the first things I said was: "I want to be an artist". I'd draw and paint all day.
Now my dream would really be to be in a band, or producing music... but more arty art would be photography. I love it, but how do you get into something like that? its not secure, no pension, etc. So whenever I bring this up, the doctor (him) says no way, I have to do something secure and a long etc
He would love me to be a lawyer, since he personaly regrets not taking that path himself (he is an extremly bitter man who blames my mother for his unhappiness), or to work in administration, or to be, if I dont want to study much, an English teacher for primary schools.
Easy ways out, or boring paper work office job.
No.
not for me.
When I was 11 or so, I brought up phsycology. I love to learn about how people think, what moves us, and all that (im sorry im making this the longest thing ever, I know nobody will read)
and he said, well, no way. Everyone who goes into that ends up without a job.
So since then I'd look everywhere else, trying to find what I'd like to do in the future.
Nothing. I have found no jobs that grab me.
Id like to travel the world and especialize in everything, not just one field. Science, people, history, politics, art, music, you name it.
Phsycology (and I dont know if im spelling it write) has always been crossed out in my mind, without any doubts. But the other day my mother kind of made a break-through. She'd always told me I'd be good at anything I put my mind to, but she confessed (because shes having a bad time with my dad, so cared less about what he said) that shed always thought I'd be pretty damn f***n' good at it, only that my father had prohibited her from saying so.
Anyways, Im not SURE its what I'd like to do.
Does anyone know of a job (a degree, for I want to go to Uni) I could do which would actually give me money, travel, music, or something like that?
Good god, I think I have tried to pack it all in one, and I was thinking about making this a blog where I posted shortish things in at a time, many, but short.
Again, Im sorry, for i needed to take this all out, I feel better now.
Even though the likely thing will be that nobody will have reached this far. If you have, sorry and THANK YOU, thank you very very much, and I would love you to leave me a message or post with whatever you think.
Lots of love
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