I feel strange. It's kind of hard to describe, but it's almost as if I'm not myself anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm tired of the feelings I get. I'm a really nice girl, you know? But lately all I've ever been is vicious and mean to the people I love, and love me back. I don't want to be this way, but there's just something that brings the bitch out of me. I get pretty angry easily, even for the littlest things and once I'm pissed that means I'm going to treat you like complete shit. It isn't just me though. Sometimes I do have valid reasons to be angry. The thing that bothers me is the fact that I get angry and when someone asks me why, I seriously don't know what to tell them because I have no reason.

I don't want to keep using the same excuse over and over again, but I can't think of any other reason why I could be feeling so strange about myself and about life in general. My mother died February 11, 2008. That was nine months ago. I haven't fully healed from the shock. I haven't been able to get over it, but I suppose I'll never be able to do that. My grades in school have been low and I try to get back up and stay on track but nothing works. I continue to fall back under again. I just feel so stressed about everything. At the moment I don't feel like school is the number one thing in my life. Maybe it should be because getting an education will take me somewhere but it's just like...what's the real point of it all?

I think about my mother a lot. Perhaps 24/7 you could say. Why her? Where is she? What is she doing if she's even doing anything? Will I see her again? That's all I want. I just want to see my mother again. Sometimes I'm even excited to die because that would mean I'd be in the same state or condition as she is. I wonder if I'll get to see her when I die. I wonder what happens when you die. I feel like death is going to be something amazing when it comes. I don't know why I think that, but it's crazy. I bet the only reason I do think that is because my mother died and I want to be where she is. Is she somewhere? I hope so, and I hope I'll see her again.

I miss my boyfriend. All the time. Every second he's not near me. I don't know if that's normal. I love him. I'm in love with him. He feels the same way, but sometimes I just feel that he deserves much better than me. I have too many issues. Whenever he can't be around me, I'm angry. I'm angry at him, at myself, at the whole damn world. I get this overwhelming feeling, and I feel intensely alone. He's the only one that makes things okay again. He makes me so happy. I wish he was here with me. I probably would be laughing right now instead of drowning in my misery. I guess he's the only one that can heal my broken heart. I'm glad to have him but when he's not around my world turns upside down. I would tell him that, but I feel so embarassed. It's like I depend on him for happiness and I don't want it to be that way. I want to be independent, but right now he's my only happiness. That's just the way it is...

I just feel so...

?????