I get lots of praise for being there so much with his new grandson. Helping out providing him with plenty of necessities at which i have picked up over the months. We have seen very much of him it is really nice. My partners face when he holds him lights up like i have never seen it is very beautiful and amazing to see! It makes me love him more. I can imagine he was a very good dad! After visiting the new family for 3 evenings in a row we did let them have space. An then they all popped for a lovely meal which i made.That same evening another relative popped to see the new baby and brought along her own baby too. It was really nice. Although all i kept thinking about was me being able to have my own one day.
My partner hasn't really said much about me being around all these babies until we went to a baby department store and he then asked if i was feeling broody! To which i replied of course i am. I then told him i'd love a kid! I then told me he was too old! I didn't say anything, i didn't know how to say anything else! He quickly changed the subject!

For a whole week we were doing very well! An now he isn't speaking to me again, he has just been a nightmare, sleeping in the spare room! Picking faults and arguing over nothing!!!!!

I am really struggling to handle it all but one thing is for sure i am not showing him my feelings, i haven't cried infornt of him. I make sure my face is made up and my appearence shows that i feel confident. Even though inside i am absolutely crumbling!!! Tonight i am having a family meal for my sister in laws 40th. there will be 5 of us, it's going to be such a lovely atmosphere!!! He serioulsy has to change his attitude before tonight, it will really embarrass me infront of my family.
He started yesterday in fornt of my brother over the bloody dog! My dog is not very old and i am trying to train him. Yesterday my dog was very excited at the thought of people being at the house, but he jumps up nibbles on their sleeves and doesn't stop. So i continously tell him to get down i asked everyone that walks through the door to ignore him.
My partner told me that the dog was a puppy and could we all lay off him!!!!!! Exactly the dog is a puppy (seriously how dumb does someone have to be?). He needs sorting out now so that he is trained and will then do has he his told when he is older. I try all day with him and then when my partner comes home he just over rules all the training i do with him!!!!

I cant win!!! Or not win but i just can't live! I feel that i can't ever make some decisions, i cant be happy, or should i say i can be happy but only when he decides! I can't have a baby, because he is too old! I am too young?! apparently i think i know everything!!!!  I don't believe for one minute that i know everything or even a little bit but i damm well know i know more than him. I am intelligent and i haven't gone through life with my eyes shut!!!!

I don't know if it stems from when he was younger and he was told that he would never amount to anything! I know that his family went through some pretty horrific stuff with their step dad My partner was the youngest of his 3 sisters they got abused regually and their mum never did anything to stop it! His step dad also used to flash his body out of my partners bedroom window. He has always denied that his step dad never did anything to him but i think that maybe he did and he is ashamed by it! They never got much food and was made to eat horrible things until they were sick. When my partner got older he ended up moving in with one of his sisters after attacking his step dad, he stuck up for his mum and his mum phoned the police about him! How awful is that? He has never spoken to his mum since!!!

The first time i started seeing my partner and we got intimate he knew that i had suffered from some abuse, i don't know how he knew but he did! I got abused as a child by my step dad. He used to come into my room in the middle of the night, he stroked my skin and would make my whole body crawl with fear! I was 8 years old when i can remember the first time this happened! i can only remeber parts of what used to happen, him sticking his tongue in my mouth, climbing on top of me so  my little body couldn't hardly breathe! It went on for years but i can only remember it only happening every now and again. There didn't seem to be a pattern to it.  I will never forget the night when i was 14, i had been out with friends i came in late and he grabbed my waist has i walked past him to get upstairs. He thrusted me into his crotch! I just ran upstairs and got into bed with my clothes on my heart beating so fast! Scared to death! He came in looked straight into my eyes and slung a note on  my bed!

The note read
Come downstairs with just your bra and knickers on
I will give you some money!

I just froze sat there for a while with my kness hunched up under my chin! I went to try and wake up my mum and i couldn't! She'd had too much to drink! So it was years later when i told her, she said she had never known and was absolutely distraught! He seemed to be her rock! they had been through alot togther and he was her partner! To everyone he seemed like the perfect man! My mum threw him out immedatley, i actually felt sorry for him as he slept in a car for 2 nights! i was also upset that my life was turned upside down! My mum was always drinking and crying! I was hardly ever in the house cause it depressed me, then on mothers day she went out to lunch with him! They kissed when he dropped her off! I was so distraught! She never did see him again though!

When i was little i got abuse and he knows all this so why does he insist on copying what his step father did to his mum!!! He hated him so much but is very much like the controlling man his step dad was!
We have both had rough times and we are both still here but we seem to have handled these things very differently!

I love the nice man he can be very much!
I hate the horrible man he can be with a passion!

I believe that it is true and love and hate are so very close. But the passion is still there!