I tend to like this guy whenever he becomes unavailable.  It's wonderful.  Whenever he get's interested in me, it scares the shit out of me and I back out. 

Maybe I just want to be on my own for life.  I know people think that's weird, maybe I'm weird.  I like to be alone, I look forward to spending a friday night just at home with my cat.   Then I lay in bed fantasizing about hooking up with the guy I push away.  Fantasizing is easier than dating I guess. 

I think I'm skeptical because every bf I've had has cheated on me sexually.  What's that say about me lol?  I guess sex with me isn't too hot haha.  Or, guys are just sexually driven machines with no conscience.  At least the one's that turn me on and I date are.  There are plenty of sweet, caring, gentle men out there, and girls can say that's what they want in a man but there's something about being with a cocky guy that gets me excited.

And sure, I'd love to get back massages and sung to about love and such.   But I remember one bf I had, we were driving on the 401 speeding by 50km/hr at night and he wanted road head.  I'll end the story there as the point is made I like a little danger.   Hey, the guy turned out to be literally, on coke, all the time, and I had no idea.  I thought it was his personality. 

I'm feeling pretty stupid right now lol.. forgot my point.. went off on a tangent..

I know that I have pretty low self-esteem.  I think I'm fat, but I'm not one of those pretty girls that think they're ugly, I'm literally fat, like the doctor talks to me about me being overweight fat.  Which sucks because I would love to be healthy, I just don't enjoy things like healthy food.. exercise.. stuff like that.  I take my cat for walks, he's leash trained, but he's as much of a lazy ass as me and I end up having to carry him because he gets tired. 

If I was muscular I'd call myself 300lbs of raw steel and sex appeal