I don't know what it is about today or how I have been feeling lately but I just feel so alone. Even before my split with my boyfriend I still felt very alone because he no longer gave me the attention I long for, and never even returned my calls. I don't ask for much from a boyfriend or even just a friend, but from both I at least expect a 'how are you?' and a hug when I feel down but lately, I have been receiving neither. I get texts from friends, asking for things or letting me know about whats happening with them, but they never ask how I am, or reply to my texts when I need advice. Its a one-way friendship and I'm a bit sick of it all to be honest.
Like right now, I'm sat in the computer room surrounded by people I know and not one have said hello even though clearly seeing me here alone. I have many friends around the college but I am still signing on to my user account each lunchtime eating alone so I don't look like the loner I am. I've tried so hard to make friends too but it just doesn't seem to work, they don't want to know me and it leaves me feeling un-confident and questioning myself. I just had a conversation with a friend, who I considered to be a good friend, and we had a play fight which went a bit far. Normally, he would just laugh it off but he didn't this time and he just basically screamed at me and told me to leave him alone, I felt like shouting back at him, but instead I found myself crying in the toilets, cursing at myself and him or not being there when I needed him last week. I tried to inject a little bit of laughter into the conversation and instead I received a screaming attack at myself and my confidence. I have a lesson with him next too, but I just know I will hide in myself and sit elsewhere because I'm not confident enough to sit next to him and carry on. I feel in the wrong when all i did was tickle him. That's all, pathetic as it sounds.
Anyway, my diet and fitness regime to eat healthier and feel healthier is working so far on 'Day 1' of my life changing rules! However, I feel low at the minute and would love nothing more than a chocolate bar but I don't want to give in on myself over slight depression. I know it sounds a bit over the top, but I know in myself if I give in on something as small as that, then my little aims will become more harder and I will give in altogether.
I keep going over and over in my head what H said to me the other day... 'How long do you want to be single?'. The truth is, how could I give a straight answer to that? So I just gave the simple answer of 'I could happily not be single now, but I should wait'. He understood and said he felt the same way but I'm still not really sure of what I want. I want to be with him, granted, but I don't actually know what being single is really like. I haven't been single for longer than a week since being 11 no word of a lie. Its been one relationship after another and I at least want to have a month or so of fun. Is that wrong? I like him, I like how he treats me I love everything about him because he has been there for me all my life and I just love him to bits... but I don't necessarily want to be 'in' love with him right now. I want to play the dating game, and I think I am a little bit, but I don't enjoy it because its not me, its not what I know. I saw him on Monday, its now Wednesday but I text him this morning just saying I hoped the first day of his course for the army went okay yesterday, normally my text would prompt for a reply but I didn't this time I left it like that. It felt so weird. I usually see him on a Thursday too but I haven't asked him yet, I've decided not to see him so we don't get into a set routine, so I'm going to ask him to meet me after work for an hour instead on Sunday. I know I'm not playing the game well at all, but this is as far as it will go for me, just delaying things for a few days and not being so intense. But, its not me, I'm used to routine and set plans and putting 'Tb' at the end of messages asking him to 'text back'. Hmm, who knows. Maybe being more laid back and less worried about if he likes me or not will do me some good? I just want to scoop him up in my arms and kiss him so bad hehe!!! Give him a right pucker of a snog, but that's just too forward, and I need to be a bit more old fashioned and more demure and lady like... I think... well, I'm trying!
♥ Kris ♥
Posted by KrisNC on 2007-09-19 06:09:51 | Rating: n/a | Views: 163
i read your comments.
i too went through bad breakups, had loneliness, friends who really didn't care but my Mom and sisters really helped me get through the tough times.
plus, i joined the church's social group and met a nice friend there.
i also had to lose 30 pounds according to my doctor, he said "You be pretty girl, but you're FAT!"
sooo as hard as it was i started walking every day up to an hour, then i started running slowly, then i actually had a skinny friend show me the cardio machine late at night in a gym. i was sore, wanted to give up every day, but the weight came off.
i met a NICE guy who was really shy, and we've been happily married for 13 years.
it's all been work.
as for craving that chocolate bar.
i found a low-carb sugar free chocolate peanut bar called carb-rite diet bar. they sell it in health food stores and once a month i satisfy the cravings.
i also buy lots of apples, pears, bananas, and sugar free low fat ice creams and yogurts to help me maintain my weight.
i will pray for your to heal from your loneliness, break up.
your blog indicates a sensative, sweet, smart lady.
you know sweetness we all have friends like that,the ones who dont ask us how we are,i know its very insincere of people,but thats the reality of friendships,well some anyway.
friendships are meant to be a two way thing,but some are to selfish to bother asking whats going on with you.
rule no 1 hun,look after yourself like you would a best friend,care and nuture thy self. you sound like a lovely young person to me,i hope your day is a good one sweetness.
Thanks for your comments they really helped! I think I just need the confidence in myself before I can expect other people to have the same confidence in me. My day has definately brightened up, thank you :) xx
I understand the way you are feeling. Its happening to me to. It feels like for awhile my friends have been to caught up in themselves to bother with me. I text them asking advice and they havent texted back. But when they need advise, im the muppet that's always there from them. All i can say to you, is that from the way you write, i can tell your a beautiful and kind hearted girl. And think that we both, need to realise that friendship is a two way street. And that were people with feelings too.
Wow, I can truely relate to most of what you are saying, loneliness is not a good feeling, Im dealing with the same stuff right now....Well for everyone that is feeling alone I hope it gets better for all of us
Thanks for the comments you have all left and thank you for lifting me up a little bit on the happiness scale. I'm a little bit happier now but still alone at college, so I think that its up to me to try and make new friends. I have been trying though and I have succeeded a little bit :] xx
I know how you feel, when you can walk into a room, surrounded by people (sometimes friends) and feel completley alone.
I agree with sarah1299 that friendship is a two way street - you need to give and you need to take.
I hope you made a few more friends at college. You sound like a friendly, easy going person, someone who would be fun to be around.
Give him a right pucker of a snog, but that's just too forward, and I need to be a bit more old fashioned and more demure and lady like... I think... well, I'm trying!
