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I've decided to start afresh in my life, with my outlook, my attitude, my hatred for men! It sounds weird for me to be writing in a blog about my heart break as everybody goes through it and there is no point in me dwelling on it. I went round to the ex-boyfriends on Saturday to see if we could work things out and maybe get together again - but that just didn't happen. I ended up kissing him, he ended up telling me that he loves me and then like the typical lad he is said 'Do you want just one last shag before we become friends?'. With that, I stormed out and told him I can't even be that. I need to move on and I can't forever be jealous if he chooses to move on leven though he already seems to be moving on way too fast. I don't understand how you can love someone and move on as quick as he has (5 days!) so I'm beginning to wonder that he didn't love me at all.
Anyway, my hatred for men that I have been developing over the past few weeks is slowly but surely beginning to weaken. H, is keeping his promises to me so far and is starting his fitness training for the army today so it brings me happiness in a weird way to know he is listening to me and not wasting his life like so many boys I know. He came to see me at college yesterday and I found myself feeling very giddy and shy, like I have never been around a guy before - its so hard to understand. We has a deep conversation, which is very hard to get out of H because he isn't a very open guy. He told me how he feels unconfident because everyone around him tells him that he is a waste of space, unintelligent and in general just scum; listening to these stupid lies I found myself hugging him tightly and kissing him hard on the lips. It just felt so right, and I bonded with him that moment like I never have before. I told him that he isn't a waste of space, that he might not be academically clever but he has learnt tough lessons in life which I admire him for, and that he isn't scum - to me he's wonderful. And, in reply to that... guess what he said  ... he said 'you're wonderful too' and gave me such a big smile, kissed me on my cheek and then continued saying 'I don't deserve you'. I must of had a smile across my face so big that the whole world could see. The thing is, he does deserve me, and I'm not better than him, he's my equal but its going to take some convincing where he is concerned I think. Anyway, as much as I love talking about him and as much as there is pages and reams of things I could say about him I won't ... some things need to be kept secret, because some things mean so much more when you keep them to yourself. Lets just say, he said some amazing things, and those things will stay with me a long while.
On continuation of my 'new beginning' I've decided to set myself some aims. I'm going to the new shopping centre in town after work on Sunday to get a new wardrobe with help and advice from H and some girl mates because I always feel better with new clothes and what a better way to make an ex jealous when you have a new look. So... here are my aims! :
* Join a new gym and go at least once a week.
* Get toned and lose a few pounds (not any more than that I'm happy with my weight!)
* Become a brunette again and go back to my natural roots, blondes definately don't have more fun, plus everyone is blonde nowadays, whats wrong with being more natural?
* Work harder at college and work!
* Pamper myself once in a while  .
* Get a whole new wardobe  .
* Be more outgoing and confident.
I suppose I could add way, way more but baring in mind I am only giving myself til my 18th birthday to do all these things (22nd November!!) because I want to enter my adult years in a new light. Be the confident, young lady I was once before I got messed around by boys and bad friends. Wish me luck!!
♥ Kris ♥
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Posted by KrisNC on 2007-09-18 02:52:58 | Rating: | Views: 96
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