He told me to "hold on tight" and that's what I promised myself to do. To hold on tightly to tangible... to sift the sands of time in my own hand, placing the hourglass on the shelf to collect dust without me.
Not one to give up their hope on high, to toss it up to the sky and hope that it is heard...answered, my mind searches for things it knows; a curious heart, I find solace in my own promises-- may they, keep me grounded. Holding on.
I promise to inhale, deeply, the vapors of the first cup of coffee in the morning. I promise to let it's liquid warm me from the inside out, feeling it drop, drop, drop down through my being, delivering with it a connection to normalcy ... to routine. I promise to gaze deeply in to the eyes of my husband, his face soft with sleep, as he opens his eyes one pillow next to mine. I promise to grasp his hand before I roll out of bed, to kiss each finger gently, the talented fingers of skill that have provided for this family.
I promise to soak in the smell of sunshine on my daughters' peachy flesh; tangle my fingers in their hair, no purpose, no meaning... but to caress. To be present. I promise to drop to the bedroom floor and play--Barbies, babydolls, dollhouse, dress-up... whatever! And, I promise to continue to dance with them around the rooms of our home, spreading our joy with waving arms of praise, each corner receiving, unapologetically, our movements. I promise not care what I look like whilst attempting Hip-Hop... and I promise to do my best to not throw out a hip.
I promise to strum my air guitar along to my favorite tunes and sing loud, and proud, and poorly, without care. Better yet, I promise to finish learning to play the guitar, retiring that embarrassing air monstrosity... and I promise to play my own brand of music, with my own lyrics, to use those words that have been years preserved, years unused. I promise to let each note of my favorite song hit my ear, and linger there. I promise to sit still while my daughter's sing to me, their sweet, sweet songs of nothingness that mean everything to me and to hear music in the wind, the leaves of the trees, the songs of the birds... the barks from my loving dogs.
I promise to look up to the heaven, and breathe.... deeply.
I promise to finger the soft velvet that grows on the underside of the leaves of my favorite flowers.
I promise to splash a summer's thirsty tongue with lemonade, and pucker, then smile, then giggle along with my sour-faced babes.
I promise to don flip-flops as I please, with each of my favorite outfits, no matte the occasion.
I promise to use those spices I've collected, forgetting, finally, the conservative teachings of my Jr. High Home-ec teacher. I promise to try new foods, daringly. Look out Andrew Zimmer.
I promise to pause to listen to the far-off, distant laughter of children playing at a park.
I promise to walk barefoot in the grass, in the mud--letting my toes squish up, child-like, the wet, soppy mud. I promise to build a mud pie and let it bake for days in the hot summer sun. I promise to catch a butterfly... then let it go.
I promise to look long, deeply, into the loving eyes of my dogs. I promise to hold them, be present with them and thank them for giving me all of themselves when, I, most of the time, gave only what I could spare.
I promise to set myself free; free of memories, mistakes... forgiving others and myself equally.
I promise to be present... each day... letting the sands of time sift through my fingers, first.
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