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stuff and things

I know this sounds stupid, but i didn't get into the sorority i rushed, and i feel really sad about it. I recently had my ego stroked when i successfully auditioned for a highly selective all-female a cappella group at my school, and being in the group made me think i might be happier if i got really involved on campus. i rushed ONLY one sorority, never thinking for a second that the opinions of these people could ever matter to me. Boy was i wrong.....i sat through 2 rush parties and made small talk with several boring and a few refreshingly interesting girls-- and during the time i spent in anticipation of these events, when i had to explain to my family/friends/coworkers why i wanted to join a sorority, the idea really grew on me. i cried and cried for the 15 minutes i had after i realized i hadn't been invited back, and i started to feel really bad about myself. i invited a girl over to smoke after my our capella rehearsal, and we smoked...then another (older) girl from the group came over and smoked with us. She brought her best friend-- the musical director who i'm pretty sure judges me harshly-- but she left before we smoked. Anyways, Sarah came home while they were all here, and after they left, I had an emotional breakdown because i hadn't really gotten a chance to react to not getting invited back to the sorority. It was like all of my confidence and self-esteem had just been completely shattered by this one incident, and i just collapsed (stoned) on the stairs and wept to sarah about everything in my life going completely wrong. i feel like i'm letting down my parents by not doing well in school and becoming the best woman i can be. my parents worked so hard to give me every opportunity they possibly could. i had every advantage...music lessons in piano, flute, and voice from all the best teachers, figure skating, tennis lessons, day camp for everything, tennis camp, water sports camp, leadership conferences, awesome vacations....and now look at me. whatever...i just started typing out all my personal failures and realized i'm being too hard on myself. yes i don't have a major, but that's normal. my dad majored in music and didn't even realize he wanted to go to med school until years after he'd graduated. i feel like i should take some time off and try to figure things out. i need to emotionally recover from everything serious that's happened in my life within the last few years, but i'm having trouble deciding what i can do to foster that healing process.

i'm currently kind of seeing this guy who's in a really popular frat. he's 6'4'' (i'm really into tall guys), likes good music, smells good, and seems like he comes from a nice family. sometimes i think he's boring, but we got high together the other night and i got to know him a little better. he's timid and sensitive, and the faces he makes don't really match his emotions. he went to an all-boys prep school, and i think that taught him to hide his emotions pretty well. but when we got high together, i got a better feel for his character. he's really sweet and i like him. the only problem is that he's seeing like 2 other girls, and i'm not interested in having a boyfriend because i recently got out of a really serious and unhealthy relationship. i think i'll just keep talking to him when i feel like it, and keep things easy and casual. i've invited him to come over sometime this week so we can hang out and drink tequila since i've never had it before. i'm hoping i can get him to smoke with me, but if not, that's fine. he's really good in bed (we haven't DONE IT, but we've fooled around a bit)-- and if nothing else, at least i'll get a few decent hookups out of this. he's also nice to talk to online. he keeps me company on AIM most evenings, and that's always nice to have from someone who's as laid-back and good humored as he is. he's not that exciting, and he's not incredibly interesting (or at least didn't seem to be at first), but i think i can learn a lot from associating with a person as "normal" as this. besides, he's extremely handsome and i like having him around.