Thoughts.com Blogs - It's a Trifecta! (Part 1 of 3)

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It's a Trifecta! (Part 1 of 3)

     Not much to say today. Instead, I've got a (lengthy) entry from Lonnie. This will actually be in 3 parts. So, without further ado, here he is. As usual, the fisking is in italicized blue, and Lonnie's comments in standard blue.

*Editor's note: My apologies to Lonnie. I inadvertantly left a comment out when I was pasting and copying the original to the Thoughts.com blog entry thing. I don't know how it happened, but it is now corrected. I'll try not to do that again.

     I've been meaning to fisk this for a while, but with Kap taking time off for a vacation (wimp!) and other sundry things, I haven't gotten around to it. But now, I've got a veritable trifecta in play. Three, count them, three columns, all running with the same themes. This first one ran on the 15th of December, in our local paper, The Northwest Arkansas Times. I actually used to work there, way back in the late 80s.
The second one is by Grady Jim Robinson, who writes for The Northwest Arkansas Times. He's sort of the local Gene Lyons. I don't know who should be more insulted by that comparison. And the third is by the Lyonster himself. These last two were both written this past Wednesday, the 9th of January.
But ladies first. So we'll start off with Ellen Goodman.

COLUMNISTS : Does he still make you laugh?
Ellen Goodman
Posted on Saturday, December 15, 2007
URL: http://www.nwanews.com/adg/Editorial/210667/

Aren’t you beginning to feel just a little sympathy for Republicans?

Aww, isn't that nice of Ellen? Thinking of those hate-filled Republicans. What a nice lady.

It’s less than a month to the first vote. The Democrats are suffering from an embarrassment of riches. The Republicans are suffering an embarrassment.

Ohh, ho ho ho. Isn't that clever?
Not true. But clever.
Don't believe me? Let's look at the two parties.
For the Republicans, if you want somebody pro-abortion? Pro-life? For border control? For illegal immigration amnesty? For tax breaks? Against tax breaks? For killing more terrorists? Well, okay, there really isn't anybody not for killing more terrorists, but still...
My point is, for the Republicans, no matter what your position is, there is likely to be somebody for it. How about the Democrats?
We've got a white socialist, a black socialist, and a white female socialist.
Nice.

The only commitment problems Democrats are having are between appealing suitors.

Yes, the shrew, the junkie, and the Pretty Pony. That is quite appealing.

The Republicans, on the other hand, have the wedding date saved, the room picked and they’re still speed-dating.

They better hurry, they've only got nine months to pick a date. And they still have to pick out a tux.

The men keep coming,

Ellen is a feminist of the first order. Meaning men are at fault for everything that has ever happened. Period.
PMS? It's a man's fault.
Global warming? Man's (but not woman's) fault.
Bus running late? Man's fault.
Kitten up a tree? It's a man's fault.
Keep that in mind whenever you read any column that she's wrote.

one after the next, making a pitch and missing. Candidate No. 1: John McCain, the man who says what he thinks even if it isn’t popular. But it often isn’t popular.

Well, we can't have THAT now, can we?

Next! Candidate No. 2: Rudy Giuliani, the tough guy from New York. But the thrice-married former mayor can’t get beyond Ground Zero.

Yeah, if only he could move on. What happened was unfortunate in New York on September 11th, but hey, life goes on. We need to get beyond that.

Next! Candidate No. 3: Fred Thompson, the actor and politician. But folksy Fred isn’t playing Ronald Reagan, he’s playing Sleepy, or is it Grumpy?

Better than Bitchy, Junky, or Silky. Maybe they could all just be grouped under one name: just plain Dopey.

Next! Candidate No. 4: Mitt Romney, the smoothie endorsed by National Review as the “full-spectrum conservative.” Alas, Mitt’s covered the spectrum by flip-flopping his way across the rainbow.

Perhaps Ellen thought he'd be more rock solid, like John Kerry. Or Al "No controlling legal authority" Gore. Or Hillary "I was for the war, but that was yesterday" Clinton.

Next! Now Mike Huckabee is jogging over to the table. The (second) man from Hope has risen in the polls as fast as a wedding cake in the oven.

Uh-oh. I think we're about to see the liberal mindset in action. Let's wait and see.

He’s this week’s front-runner for the uncharacteristically fickle GOP.
I confess to a certain weakness for Mike, the sort of weakness that women admit for a man who makes them laugh.

Yep, here's the first part. First comes the compliments.
The compliments aren't on any policy positions, of course. Don't be silly.
No, they're always on some trivial matter. It shows that they are really open-minded and tolerant of other people.
But maybe I'm jumping the gun, here. Maybe Ellen is going somewhere else with this. Let's continue on.

The affable pastor, the “recovering foodaholic,” the bass guitarist for “Capitol Offense,” Huckabee once actually trademarked the name “Positive Alternatives.”

And this is important, how?

In his mocking ad with Chuck Norris, in his populist posture on poverty,

picking peppers in the pepper patch, playing the piccolo, and popping pickles in the Pope's pipe

in his green-ish talk of being a good steward of the earth, he’s presented himself as the positive alternative. “I’m a conservative but I’m not mad at everybody over it,” he told Jon Stewart. That was after he dropped a good ol’ flatulence joke into the airwaves.
Huckabee’s books include a 12-stop (yes, stop) program for weight loss and a 12-stop program for a better nation. If Huckabee could morph the two and run on a platform that promised “Vote For Me and You’ll Lose Weight,” he’d be unstoppable.

Or he could just promise not to raise taxes and kill more terrorists than any other candidate. That would make him truly unstoppable.

But this man of the hour—or the minute—is selling himself as this year’s compassionate conservative. And even in the speed-dating world, there’s time for a second glance.

Hup, here it comes. Look for the tell-tale signs.

Huckabee may “drink a different kind of Jesus juice,” as he says. But that hasn’t stopped him from selling himself on TV as a “Christian leader” —compared to, say, a Mormon leader. In Wednesday’s Des Moines Register debate, he said the most important thing was to bridge the great divides in the country. But that’s the same man who once said we have to “take this nation back for Christ.” His comments about educating illegal immigrants—“ we’re a better country than to punish children for what their parents did” —brought him kudos. But he looked less kind and gentle accepting the endorsement of border vigilante Jim Gilchrist, founder of the Minuteman Project. As for social issues ? Huckabee’s tone has evolved a bit, which is notable since he doesn’t believe in evolution. He frames himself as a politician whose pro-life stance doesn’t begin at conception and end at birth. But he’s long been an anti-abortion absolutist.

Did you see them? Here, I'll help out a little. I'll repeat that last paragraph, only this time I'll put the faint compliments underlined, and the weasel words in bold.

Huckabee may “drink a different kind of Jesus juice,” as he says. But that hasn’t stopped him from selling himself on TV as a “Christian leader” —compared to, say, a Mormon leader. In Wednesday’s Des Moines Register debate, he said the most important thing was to bridge the great divides in the country. But that’s the same man who once said we have to “take this nation back for Christ.” His comments about educating illegal immigrants—“ we’re a better country than to punish children for what their parents did” —brought him kudos. But he looked less kind and gentle accepting the endorsement of border vigilante Jim Gilchrist, founder of the Minuteman Project. As for social issues? Huckabee’s tone has evolved a bit, which is notable since he doesn’t believe in evolution. He frames himself as a politician whose pro-life stance doesn’t begin at conception and end at birth. But he’s long been an anti-abortion absolutist.

Huckabee may now preach against intolerance toward gays.

He MAY preach that. But you can't trust those dirty Republicans.

He told the Values Voter Summit: “I want us to be very careful that we don’t come across as having some animosity or hatred toward people.” But his own animosity dates back to a 1992 pitch against an “aberrant, unnatural, and sinful lifestyle” and in favor of quarantining AIDS patients. As a presidential candidate, Huckabee frames his opposition to gay marriage and civil unions as a stand for “traditional marriage.” But since we’re speed-dating, let’s remember just how traditional a marriage. The pastor politician signed on to the 1998 Southern Baptist Convention statement that “a wife is to submit herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband.” Pre-nup anyone?
All this may help him court the evangelical voters who make up 45 percent of Iowa’s Republican caucus voters, but are they ready to hitch up with the man who missed the intelligence report on Iran? The man who is a blank slate on foreign policy?

Unlike that foreign policy statesman Obama? Or Hillary? Or John "Cookie Lend Me Your Comb" Edwards? Selective vision, anyone?

And what of the culturally valued but ethically challenged governor behind the guitar who took endless gifts from his supporters, including 50 percent off hamburgers at Wendy’s?

He did what now? 50 percent off hamburgers? THAT'S IT, GO GET THE ROPE!!!!

The Huckabees even signed up for a gift registry when he left the governor’s house.

     I can't believe I'm going to defend the Huckabees, but here it goes. That gift registry was for a housewarming party after he left office, and giving was completely voluntary. Not one red cent of tax payers money went into it.

Does he still make you laugh?

Huckabee has never made me laugh. You, on the other hand...

     Huckabee said that Americans are “willing to forgive people for their ideology if they have optimism and vision.” He could be right. That’s what sold the last compassionate conservative? Remember him?

     You mean, the guy who took the worst terrorist attack on native soil, and then decimated the leadership ranks of the terrorist organization responsible for it? The guy who took a slowing economy due to the bursting dotcom bubble, coupled with said terrorist attack, and got it going again, with practically no unemployment and a sizzling stock market? The guy who has planted the seeds of democracy in a region that has been resistant to democracy before now? The guy who made Gaddafi give up his Weapons of Mass Destruction after he saw what we did in Iraq? The guy who has made Kim Jung Ill come to the bargaining table on the matter of nuclear weapons? And ditto for Iran? Is that the one you mean, Ellen?

Next!

     Yes, Ellen, for once we are complete agreement. Let's have the next "compassionate conservative" (which is redundant), so that we can have more of the same.
     The seething hatred liberals have for Republicans and conservatives shouldn't surprise me anymore, but it keeps popping up. This is going to be an ugly election year, culminating in an ugly November. When a Democrat is not in the White House, the wails of grief and disbelief are going to fill the air.
     Anyway, come back tomorrow for the second part in our 3-part look at How Us Liberals Are Much More Open-minded And Tolerant Than You Stupid Republicans And Conservatives, or This Is Our Reality, And You Aren't Welcome In It.