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What is the motive....

Sometimes I wonder at people and their motives. I finally learned and now understand, that my ex was cheating and treating me like I was a pimple on the butt of the planet because he didn't want me... I was someone who wanted a one on one relationship. He was looking for someone who wanted to have an open relationship, one not only with him, but to let him watch her with someone else and for her to watch him with someone else. Of course, they wanted to watch others and join in with the others too.

It wasn't for me and I take full responsibility for not leaving sooner... but I was dumb then and I chose to believed his lies about his cheating. Telling me it would never happening again and his wanting a one on one relationship with just me. I should have realized... that was only true, as long as he didn't get caught. I really should have realized his preferences after reading his emails to and from Maggie. But, seriously I don't hold it against him or her. I realize they are both selfish cheaters. He cheated on me and she cheated on her husband and family. That is their choice to make and I needed to make choices that were right for me. I was just slow to do it. Its not their fault and I don't blame them... its just who they are and who I'm not. What's that old saying... "to each his own". We wanted different things and that doesn't make any of us bad or wrong... just different.

Now I find myself in a different position. I have growing feelings for a man who is sweet, kind and full of life. He is really great! But it seems I will never have more than a lunch time alone with. His ex seems to contol where, when, who and how, he does things. He invited me to his house for the weekend. I assumed his ex would be there too, she always is. It's just the way it is with them. But she sent me an email that said she wasn't going to be there, and it said, "figures he would invite ya when I'm not gonna be there". I would think that would tell her something? She called me to tell me why she wasn't going, because it was too expensive and she didn't have the money to get there and then asked if I was still going to go? I said yes, and asked if that was ok with her. She quickly said "oh ya, we're just friends." About a half hour later, she called again and left a message on my phone that she was coming any way. Is it selfish to say, I'm disappointed? I would like to get to know this man without always having to consider what his ex wants. He says he cares about her and would never do anything to hurt her but both of them have said... they do not want to be a couple again. They have different ideas of what's important in life but they do admit they care about each other and consider each other best friends.

So here I am, wondering if I want to be in the middle of these two? I realize I'm having increasing feelings for him. I consider him a really good friend now... someone I have a lot in common with and someone who has the same outlook on life that I do. And the same zest for life.... I absolutely love it and he is always saying how lucky he feels to live in this place during this time. Life is pretty near perfect. This whole situation is just a bit frustrating... but life is good and it will go on! That.... in my opinion, is a blessing not to be over looked! *smile*

I did something today, that the outcome will only become known in time. I applied for a job along the coast. I'm really excited about the possibility of going back to work. I really want this to work out. I'll be living on the beach again only this time, it will be on my terms and without any preconceived expectations. I can't believe this opportunity has presented itself. Now with luck, the insurance will accept me and my cancer too. It would be the only thing to hold me back. Which is really one of the biggest problems with our medical system in this country. I am hopeful. It would be a great job, one I have a lot of experience with and something I love doing... its got a good wage and it would be a really fun place to live.

I also did some calling today and found a place that will spay/neuter all the feral cats that have been dumped on my brother's farm, for free. We have to trap them in live cages... and then deliver them to the vet to be fixed. It will really be nice to keep from having more kittens. I love kittens but we currently have been trying to find homes for 20 of them from pregnant cats dumped here and there looks to be two more pregnant ones. We've found homes for seven of them so far and two of those are going with me. Know anyone who wants a kitten? *smile* I wish there was a way to raise money for spay and neutering them all and keep them in food. Its really great that this vet will fix them for free... you don't find that generosity too often and we're really grateful. My brother will continue to feed and care for them after they're fixed... but no more kittens. Yeah!!!

Well, that's enough of my whining and news for today.
Remember to always Celebrate Life and fill it with all the Peace, Laughter and Love you can stand!
Take care,
Kai
PS: I saw this and really liked it...
"I would rather have a single flower and a kind word now while I'm alive, than a truck load of them after I'm dead."