Thoughts.com Blogs - What a glorious day.... *smile*

Today is an absolutely gorgeous day! The sun is shining and the birds are singing. They flit and
flutter all around the bird feeders. Singing their songs and enjoying the sun. I have been out in
the backyard playing with the puppy and watching my old girl lay quietly in the sun. If it wasn't
for her breathing, I'm not sure I would believe she was alive. She has gone mostly deaf and partly
blind. She moves like me, slowly. It makes a good pair when it comes to walking. We both
enjoy the warmth of the sun and the friskiness of the puppy. Its a beautiful day and we're
celebrating life in the sun.

I would like to address one of the oddities of chemo. That would be chemo brain. Its real and its
annoying. I'm tired of not being to remember simple words I want to use. I can feel them on the
tip of my tongue, but I can't seem to spit them out. And spelling??? Oh boy howdy, has my
spelling gone to la-la land. I used to be a fairly good speller and could sound out the words I
wanted to use. When I'd check them with the dictionary, I was almost always right. Now, the
simpliest words cause me to pause and become frustrated. I feel like I live with a dictionary in my
hand. *sigh*

I've been told chemo brain will go away but I'd really like to know when? When will some of my
cognitive abilities return... along with my memory? I guess that's one of the good things about
chemo brain. People can tell me the same stories over and over and they always seem new to me.
*grin* It makes me an attentive listener. *smile*

I'm a bit nervous about tonight. I'm meeting new friends for the first time. We have been
emailing for about eight months and tonight, we will meet for dinner. He is bringing his friend
from Portland too. Recently, G gave me the email addy to his friend R and told us to "let the
gossiping comence". *LOL* I don't think we've done much gossiping? We've been busy
introducing ourselves to each other. I did ask R about both their birthdays and found out when
they are. R and I are just getting to know each other and tonight will take us a lot farther along
the road to friendship. G and I have exchanged our thoughts, ideas and opinions over the time
and he has a wonderfully open and positive outlook on life and being a part of it. If R is anything
like G... we're going to have a lot in common and even more to share. I'm nervous about tonight,
but I'm really looking forward to it too!

Then tomorrow, I have a friend coming to visit with me. It seems, everytime we get together, we
laugh and have such a good time. These last several weeks have been filled with so much pain
and sorrow. With the loss of everything I felt about me, my pride and dignity, what little self
esteem I had and now... my friends have stepped up and filled in the places of me that felt like
they were crumbling. They have allowed me to laugh, cry, pout and giggle... they have allowed
me to be myself and they have accepted all that I am.

Living with terminal cancer is not easy. I wonder on a daily basis what I have to offer to anyone?
Will I find someone I can love and who won't be afraid to love me because I'm going to die a bit
sooner than other's my age.

If I could tell people anything about cancer it would be... I have it but I'm not dead yet. I have so
much I want to do yet and its with the help, friendship and love of those around me, that I find
the courage to fight.

I lived with someone who took all I had to give but in return, he didn't think he wanted to deal
with my cancer or the burden of having to take care of me. *shrug* I find it so odd, that I would
have taken care of him no matter what... and I did. Through his frustrations with the job, the
death of his father, the sorrow of losing contact with his children, his affairs and.... his anger at life
itself! He hates life and everything to do with it. I was told by his last mistress, if I loved him, I
would have stood by him, no matter what. Even if that "what" was her. Its so easy to judge
others... but its not my place. My new goals now, with my new found freedom, is to live the best
possible life I can. Forgive all the pains and hurts I have been given and to be strong. I want to
be courageous in my last years and I want to die... without regreting even a moment of the rest of
my life.

I LOVE LIFE AND EVEN CANCER CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!

So take just a bit of advice from me...
Celebrate Life and all it has to give you...

With Peace, Laughter and Love,
Kai

PS: the puppy and I are doing fine and Keesha is loving the puppy's huge soft pillow! Life is good
for all of us today... so we're celebrating!