| View Blog
|
| Wednesday night thoughts...
|
|
|
I don't know how to ask...
My oldest nephew told me once, I was a burden on my entire family. He was angry because I was leaving the state. I was on my way to be near my son, daughter-in-law and my grandchildren. But according to him, I was stupid and a burden.
Being a burden, makes you never want to have to ask anyone for anything. At least that's the way it is for me. I want to be able to do what I need to do and not have to ask for help. So, I am not good at asking for help.
I have these decisions to make and I'm struggling with them. I have done the pros and cons, I have thought through all the scenerios I can think of and still, the answers don't come? But who can I ask? If I ask family, I am pushing my problems on them and becoming a burden... again. If I ask friends, they are again having to save me from myself? I am an adult and I should be able to make a decision on my own but lately it seems I have so many decisions to make and most of them... hurt my head and my heart.
I've already had so many changes in my life in just the last few months. I've been dealing with the emotional pain of ending my relationship, with the physical pain of my cancer and the surgery I've just gone through, the pain of loneliness and spending several days at a time alone. Now a part of that is my forced seclusion due to not being able to drive or walk because of my foot surgery. There is a pain in knowing I've got a lot to give and not being able to get out there and share with the world. Or the pain of knowing how much love, compassion, understanding and sensuality I have to share and no one to share it with. The last relationship I was in, I was made to feel as if I was not enough and never would be. He lied and cheated and destroyed my self esteem. I'm fighting my way back... but between feeling like a burden and then having the one who said he loved me, continue to meet women for sex and flirt as if I didn't exist? Well, it was difficult.
So now, I have trouble asking for what I need, for what I want, for anything. I often feel like I'm in intrusion into other people's lives. Like I take up too much of their time and energy. Like I'm not worth it.
I have to tell myself all the time, the good things about me. I'm caring, filled with laughter, joy, peace, harmony and silliness! I can make people comfortable in most any situation by treating them with respect and concern. I'm a giver... meaning, I can make someone feel as if they are the most special person in the world. When I fall in love with someone, I give them everything, my honesty, truth, faith, hope, trust and all of my love. Its important to me, to give them who I am. I realized with my last relationship, he was so busy giving himself to so many other's, I got nothing. So for me, I share all I am and all I have. My gifts, my friends, my interests, my life and especially my love. It doesn't mean I don't love others too. I love my friends and family... and I share all of that with the person I'm sharing my life with. And in all that giving... I still don't know how to ask for what I need, what I want and what is important to me.
I don't know how to ask.... for me.
Fill your life with Peace, Laughter and Love....
Celebrate Life!
Kai |
|
Posted by KaiAyn on 2008-06-19 01:35:45 | Rating: | Views: 52
|
| |
|
|
| Blog Comments
|
|
|
|
|
well i sorta know how you feel. I hate asking people for help, but i have also been forced to ask for help may times in my life. I have found that many times people are more than happy to help you, some people actually like it...i guess it makes them feel like they are doing something. I don't know your family so i can't say this is how they would be but i would think that you going through cancer and the ending of what sounds like a horrible relationship they would be more than happy to help. Don't think you are being a burden if you need there help...but when you get better and your still on their couch 3 years later not working and eating their food, you might want to start thinking about it...
|
|
Posted by kylee_0320
on 2008-06-19 01:47:10
|
|
|
|
Thanks Kylee, your last line gave me a good laugh. You're right, I know that but its so difficult. Thank you for your thoughts...
Kai
|
|
Posted by KaiAyn
on 2008-06-19 02:00:35
|
|
|
|
|
|
