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That special someone....

I got sick last night. My body once again betrayed me and I woke up in a mess. I'm alone and it still devastates me. I wonder how I could possibly think about giving myself to someone... no matter how much I long to be in love with someone I can talk to , laugh with and communicate all that is going on with me, how can I ask anyone to take on this body and all that it puts me through? Is it fair to become close to someone, to want to share every thing with them and then get sick? Relationships are difficult enough when both parties are healthy, but when one is sick and gets sick... how difficult will that make it for the healthy one? Life is so precious, there is so much to do and see and participate in. Its a joy to me, to wake up each morning and be able to live another day. Yesterday, I turned to look out the window of the place I'm staying and WOW... there were two cows standing there looking in at me! I jumped and I think, even through the window, I startled them. They were hilarious as they wandered around the back yard. It was a marvelous moment, funny and silly... I wanted to say, "Look at this" but to who?
I'm not a bad person, I'm fairly normal looking, definitely not a double bagger. I have a great personality, just ask my friends, they'll tell you. I believe in finding the positives in whatever I'm doing, whatever is happening in my life and whoever I'm spending time with. Without the positives, everything turns to a negative and who wants to be around someone who can only see the negative side of things? Its not to say I don't have things that can cause my anger to rise. I am a stanch defender of the underdog, whether that be a child or an adult, anyone who is in a position where someone is taking advantage of them or trying to make them feel as if they are "not enough". If someone is trying to hurt another, either emotionally, physically, mentally or sexually... I have no fear in standing up for that person and telling it like it is. I've done it on occasion and come close to having the stuffings beat out of me, but it was the right thing to do. I believe there is something outside of me... that protects me, especially when I'm tying to do what needs to be done. I'll also defend animals. These are God's creatures too and we as the human race have done our best to domesticate them... well, that makes it our responsibility to defend and protect them. Those who hurt animals, need to prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Period. I just don't believe anything else is OK.
I love each day I'm given, surrounded by the friends I love and who I know love me. Friends are wonderful but can anyone understand that missing feeling? I can hug my friends, I can laugh with them, I can cry with them and I know they will accept all the weird and wacky things I do and say and I appreciate that so much in each and every one of them... but, isn't there always a but? *sigh* Its different with the one special person in your life. The person who knows you and can be comfortable with you. The person you don't have to fear, when walking into their arms you will know you're safe and accepted there. The person who you can open your most intimate self to and know you can trust them to be honest with you. The person who can touch you, kiss you and make love with you... gently and passionately... awakening your desires, filling your senses and satisfying your deepest needs, all the while accepting you are capable of doing the same for them. You want to do the same for them, it is a part of you. That one special person who... allows you to be you, offers you support and strength, delights in your independence and accepts with great honor and care, your heart, mind, body and soul.
I think the hardest thing for someone to accept in me is, my compassion, empathy and understanding. No matter what is happening in our lives, I have an understanding nature and the ability to see beyond me. I have a need to understand why people do what they do, so I can support their needs and desires... and I can do it without the anger and frustration most people feel. As long as that one special person can trust me to always be honest with them and know that honesty comes from my heart and not my ego... then I know, we can work through anything... anything thing at all.
What slows me down... is my own illness and the burden I feel it will be on someone. I hurt often, I'm sick more than I say and I'm scared all the time... and here is another but... I don't tell people because I don't want them to treat me differently than they do when they believe I'm healthy. I don't want them to change their behavior around me, to act as if they have to do things that are easier to accommodate me, to give in to me on anything. I want them to continue to call me a dork. Yell at me when they're angry, laugh at me when I do something stupid or tell me their secrets because they know how important they are to me and how much I care. I want them to take me hiking, out walking or on a bike ride because they enjoy it and if I'm tired, I want them to go on and let me enjoy their enjoyment of the activity. When they want to do something different and adventurous and I get wimpy, I want them to tell me to get off my butt and get with it... not give in and then come to resent me.
***I want to live in the time I have and I want the time I have to be filled with life.***
I just want someone... that someone special... who can understand all this and not be scared by it... am I asking for a miracle? Maybe? But is that so bad... don't we all need a little miracle in our lives occasionally? Well... don't we?
I will continue to hope for mine... because without our hopes and dreams, what would we have?
Remember to celebrate life... and fill it with all the Peace, Laughter and Love... you can!
Hugs,
Kai
Celebrate Life!
There is just too much to do, see, experience and enjoy...
make the choice to see how lucky you are in this glorious life!