I have been away from my blog for a while now and today, for the first time, I feel the peace? the need? the yearning? the energy? the ability? to get some of my feelings down on paper (so to speak?) *smile*.
I have been living in GB for ten months with R, my 57 yo SO. We have had a roller coaster of a relationship. Briefly, I met him while I was living in Kentucky through Yahoo Personals. We seemed to hit it off great and he appeared to be everything I wanted in my life. As you know, I have cancer and I really believed R would be the last love of my life.
He came to Kentucky and helped me pack my things and load a truck and drive back to Oregon. A lot of what I owned was left behind, because R said he had everything we would need. I left my furniture, a brand new microwave and several other things that I had just purchased... becuase "we" didn't need them. It was a hard trip because I had a BMT just a month before we made this endevor. He got to see me sick in the mornings and wiped out at night. But he was great with everything and very patient.
We made it back to Oregon in 6 days (I think) and began our lives together in Salem. This was the end of Dec. 2006. It was a pretty good beginning, with the normal adjustments people have to make when starting a new relationship. I have a dog and while R doesn't like animals, he was tolerant to the best of his ability. We adjusted to his routines and I began settling back into this beautiful state I love so much.
Things seemed to be going along good, maybe not perfect, but good. I stayed at home due to my cancer but I had taken up doing some volunteer work with both hospice and the Salem Library. I was really enjoying myself and loving R for all he meant to me in my life. He was my strength and my love.
He would occasionally come home for lunch, which was alway a thrill for me. I got to hear how his day was going and about the different people he would meet. One day, I came home from the library to find him there. My heart always thumped wildly to see him and I loved to hug him. He had come home for lunch and was on his way back to work.
After he left, I went in to check my email and when I wiggled the mouse, his email popped up open. I was tracking the mouse across the page to close it when some of the words caught my eye. Even though I know I should never read someone else's mail, this one shocked me and I read the whole thing. It was a very explicit sexual email to a woman named M. He talked about all the things he liked doing to her and asked her what she liked the most. In her reply, she was just as explicit and I thought I was going to crumble into a massive heap of nothing. I will admit, I read all the emails they had exchanged and once my anger took over, I also copied them into an email I made up just for that purpose.
To say I felt crushed, broken and devastated, wouldn't come close to the emotions running through me. I didn't know what to do and I felt numb.
We were in the process of planning a move to GB and R had a conference he was getting ready to attend. I didn't know what to say to him? So I didn't say anything at all. When we first met, I had discussed my need for honesty and how I didn't want to be cheated on... ever. It had happened to me before and I didnt' want to be with any one who felt the need to "explore other options". If we were going to be a couple, we would work things out together. He had promised he would never cheat on me and told me about some of the pains he had experinced also. I felt like I could trust him and then I found out just how wrong I was.
I finally told him what I knew, a few days before he was to leave for his conference. I had made arrangements to leave and had friends willing to help me while he was away. We talked and while he couldn't give me any reasons for his behavior he did tell me it would stop. During our talk, I told him everything I had planned and then I asked him... "Do you want me here when you get back?" He didn't immediately answer but instead, the day he was leaving, he came home to pick up his clothes and things he had packed. He took my hand and led me to the couch. He told me, "yes, I want you here when I get back." I chose to stay and I was there when he came back.
We continued to plan our move to GB. I felt closer to him but noticed he was having some mood swings. He doesn't tolerate the heat well and Salem was having a very warm spring and beginning of summer. We got everything packed, well almost everything, there were some of my things that didn't fit in the truck and we ended up leaving them behind, but because R said we had all of his things and we really didn't need doubles, it made sense to me and I made the choice to agree with him. After all, I had already left almost all my furniture in Kentucky because R had a house full... like he said, we didn't need doubles.
We arrived in GB the Saturday after the 4th of July. It was beautiful and we had a great duplex to move into. Our landlord lived just below us and our view of the ocean was magnificient. I was in love with the ocean and our new life. We had both wanted to live at the beach and my dream had always been to retire to the beach. Due to my cancer I was now retired and this was my dream come tru, retiring to the beach.
R applied for and got a job about a month after we arrived. He began work and enjoyed the contact with the people who came to him for help. Unfortunately, it was a very exacting and precise job and when he tried to get training at the state level, he couldn't get anyone to help him. He worked long hours at his job and experienced a lot of stress and anxiety. Knowing he couldn't contiue with the stress, he decided to appy for another job. One that he had previously done and had experience with.
He was offered the new job and I for one, began to look forward to him having more time to relax and take care of himself. I was hoping it would also mean, he would have more time and energy for me. He had told me a few months earlier, "I don't have energy for you when I get home at the end of the day." I was used to him coming home and going online for most the evening. Taking short breaks to watch Jeoporady and The Daily Show. If there was something else that caught his eye, he would watch that too.
99% of our nights ended with him cuddling up against me, with his arm around me... drifting off to sleep. I enjoyed those nights.
Just a couple of weeks ago, I discovered he was dating another woman. He would come home to me every night, he told me I could trust him, and yet... he was "exploring other options". The woman was a widow who had come to him seeking assistance. From the things she told me, she was sexually coming on to him and giving him every hint she could to let him know, she was available. Now we all know, all he had to do was turn her down... but really, how many people are capable of turning down such advances. Doesn't it feel good to have someone let you know in every way possible, they want you and would do anything to be with you. Do I blame him? Yes, he lied to her and allowed her to think he was available. Am I angry? Yes, he told me I could trust him and yet here he was cheating on me....AGAIN. Should I be angry at C? Yes, because even after I told her about my relationship with R, she continued to blame me. Even after she told me what a good God fearing woman she is... she continued to flirt and go after R. I guess, she only believes in God's laws, when they deliever what she wants. As for R, he doesn't believe in God, so there's no issue for him.
The first time he cheated on me, my belief in myself was damaged severly. This time, it was destroyed completely. I couldn't stay, I couldn't go through life... what little life I may have left, knowing I didn't matter to him or to her. The only thing that mattered was what they wanted and I didn't exist any more. He had found the proverbial "greener grass" and it didn't include me.
The day I found out about one of their dates, I called R at work and told him I was leaving. C, his new "lady" chose to tell me, it was my responsibility to stay there and talk it out with him. It didn't matter, how many times I told her... she wasn't the first and she wouldn't be the last... she still believes he is a good Godly man and will be there to take care of her forever. She still believes a woman should stand by her man, through "thickness and thin" (her words, not mine).
Well, I stood by him, throughout M, J, C and who knows how many others there were that I didn't find out about? I made a promise when we got together... I would be monogmaus and love just him... I kept my part of the bargain... and I was crushed by the infidelity I got in return.
That's our story in a nutshell... there is more, but it will have to wait for another day....
Celebrate Life,
Kai
