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For those who have read my blog, you know enough about me to know how painful it was to receive this from R.
I've never felt so alone . . . as I am without you.
He did everything he could to push me away, to have his freedom and his "own" life, to have his solitude and to be able to be "himself".
I will be the first to admit, the issues we had would never have been resolved. I refused to give up my dog after 14.5 years, I have cancer and will eventually become sick and need care (but hopefully not for a long time) and I wanted a relationship with only one man.
I came to feel, hopeless, helpless, worthless, useless, unattractive and like I would never be enough to satisfy his needs. I had to leave to rebuild myself and find out who I am.
Has my love for him diminished? No... but I must put it aside and go on to become someone I can face in a mirror and not hate. I've hated who I am for way too long and I'm not sure why? I don't know what I've done throughout my life to bring on such self loathing?
I am a good and kind person. I love my friends as I loved R, unconditionally. They are who they are and every aspect of them is unique in this world. I rejoice in their individuality. They love me and I love them... isn't that the best way to be with a friend? I could never find that within my relationships and yet, after they have ended, I have found the friendship with them I had sought while we were together. Maybe I will always make a better friend than a lover... maybe that is my eternal destiny or fate?
Maybe its who I am meant to be???
Peace, Laughter and Love.... always,
Kai |
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Posted by KaiAyn on 2008-05-14 15:24:08 | Rating: | Views: 40
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