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That really is the question? What's next? I sit here frozen in place. It seems while my mind is racing the only part of my body that works are my fingers. Trying to get out all I feel and all I'm thinking and yet, not able to capture but a fragment of all I have inside me.
So many people write about love gone wrong. They put into words the hurt, pain, sadness and frustration of ending a relationship. They are able to let it out and move on to the next adventure in their lives. I wish I was so adaptable, admendable and flexible. After all, isn't it true... flexible people are never bent out of shape? I want to be flexible. I want to be strong. I want to do what's right. But I have no idea what or how to do any of those things. Right now I just know how to cry and blow my nose. I'm scared. I guess starting something new is always scary? Change is difficult for most people, I always thought I was adaptable? I gues I'm not?
Its really hard to explain this cancer thing. I know there are individuals out there who know exactly what I'm talking about but for the common man, how do I explain whats going on within me? Not just with my body, not just physically, but the emotional parts too? How do you tell someone all the feelings you have inside when you're not even sure of them yourself? I just want to lay down and fall asleep and hope when I wake up this has all been just a bad dream.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could just hit control-alt-delete and start over? I'd want to start over with a better self awarness of who I am and my own worth.
The man I live with, told me last night, how much of his life he has had to give up to be with me. I guess I don't see where he has had to sacrifice so much for me? He said his privacy is so important to him? Honestly, I don't even take a book off his bookcase without asking. We've been together sixteen months and I've done all I can to adapt and adjust to the things he needs. I do what he asks, I watch what he watches, I go to bed when he says its time, I keep my dog away from him (I've rented a place separate because he bought a home in a park where she's not allowed). The only place where you will find a hint of me in the home he purchased, the home he has told me to think of as my own, is the guest bathroom. I've decorated it with fish. I love the ocean and all the bright colorful fish which can be found there. I don't ask for anything and I try to pay my own way, but its not enough.
We met on the net and I was living in Kentucky at the time. I was born and raised in Oregon, but had moved to KY to be closer to my son and his family. When I was given the diagnosis of terminal cancer, I made the decision to move back to Oregon to be closer to my friends and family. I went on a personals web page just to see who was out there in the world. After looking as a few profiles, it told me I had to add one of my own if I wanted to continue. I took less than 10 minutes to fill one out. I told about myself and that I had cancer and then I went back to reading profiles. It was only a day later I received an email from the man I now live with. He told me he felt compelled to write. We exchanged emails, chatted and exchanged phone calls for a couple of months and then, he was making a trip to visit family in a neighboring state, so we planned to meet and did. We had a good time together. I was scheduled to go into the hospital a couple of weeks after his visit but we planned for him to come back and help me move all my belongings home again to Oregon, 10 days after I got out of the hospital. I was in the hospital for two weeks, a part of that time in intensive care. I got pretty sick.
My best friend, whose nickname is "Wiener" had taken five weeks of vacation time to come and help me. She was there during the initial visit but she was gone by the time "R" came back to help me move.
We didn't rent a very large truck, I had planned on leaving some of my things behind and my landlord was going to get rid of them for me. Unfortunately, I ended up leaving a lot more than I wanted to. I left just about everything. If I look at what I own, what truly belongs to me... it's not enough to fit into the back of a pickup truck at this point. What I have at R's house is, my clothes, a couple of towels, my personal items and some pictures of my son's family. Oh, and a picture of my parents. I have nothing else? I don't really exist there. I guess that should have told me something? I guess I'm a slow learner?
I guess its time for me to figure out the answer to my question... what's next? Where I have my dog, I have to be out of by the end of May. It was only a nine month rental to start with. Finding a place I can afford on my social security and have Keesha... well that's not going to be easy. I'm really sad that I'll probably have to move away from Gold Beach. Its a great little town but its also five and half hours away from my nearest support system. I thought I had all I needed in R but it looks like I was wanting too much.
One thing I have to mention here... that I want you to know... is.... R is a good man. He can be funny, witty, intelligent, loving and caring. He has had a lot of grief in his life and its affected him deeply. I will be the first to admit, I'm not easy to life with, especially when I don't feel good. I tend to want to be touched, hugged and feel a closeness... I think it could be called being clingy. I like to talk... a lot! And he is more the silent type. He had told me, he talks to people all day and it wears him out, so when he comes home he likes to wind down, read the news on the net and just relax and recoup. He feels like he has to entertain me and that wears him out too. So you see, its not easy living with me and he really has tried. He is a good man and no one should think anything else.
I have to go, I'm tired and its getting too difficult to see through my tears. Change is hard... and so damn lonely.
Peace, love and laughter to you all,
Kai |
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Posted by KaiAyn on 2008-02-05 12:37:37 | Rating: | Views: 56
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