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12-26-07 The day after...

Here it is the day after Christmas and only 5 days until the end of yet another year. Can you believe they go by so quickly?

Its been one year and three months since I was diagnosised with my cancer. Every thing I read on it gave me a prognosis of approximately 5 years, which equals out to 60 months. Well, here I sit, having used up 15 of those months. Its kind of scary when I look at it in those terms. Basically, my new prognosis is now 45 months. Trust me, when sitting on this side of that prognosis, it doesn't seem like very much time at all. And before anyone tells me, to look on the bright side or keep up a cheerful disposition or any other paltitude, just know... I do the best I can. But there are times when it gets pretty scary.

You, here on this blog, get to hear my fears, frustrations, anger, sadness, disappointments and all that seems to be trash in my life. I do try to temper it with some of the good too. Not always easy to do, but i try.

Let's take Christmas for an example. My partner doesn't like Christmas, doesn't believe in the spirituality of the season and plainly rejects all the commericialism of it. (Don't blame him there, they begin advertising before Halloween!) I on the other hand, love Christmas. Whats not to like about the carols, the lights, the good nature of "most" people? Its a fun time of the year with the Winter Solstice and all the wonders nature has to offer. Who could ask for more.

Well, I learned one thing yesterday. Don't buy presents for someone who hates Christmas! I love to give gifts and very often, I can't afford it. I was lucky this year, my brother and sister-in-law sent me a gift card and I spent half on me and half on R. It was so much fun to shop and try to pick out things that I thought he would like. I have a blast. Not so much fun to give them to him though... he said he was embarrassed and felt bad, because he didn't have anything for me. See, I don't care! For me, its about the giving not the receiving. I have a hard time getting gigfts. What happens if its something you don't like, then how do you thank someone for something like that? Or what happens if you like it and it doesn't fit? Oh yea? Embarrassment? Besides, after 52 years, theres not a whole lot I want or need? So, giving is just way more fun for me.

And by the way, he did give me three wonderful gifts... I love fish/seahorses/crabs/aquatic life... he gave me this great mobile with brightly colored sea life creatures hanging all over it. Its really fantastic! He also gave me this adorable and expensive candle holder, Its a beautiful blue little cup with the most charming little frog hanging on to the edge and side. He is so sweet and makes me smile everytime I look at him. He also gave me two... not one, but two cards that were sweet, romantic and simply lovely. And that's just what he gave me during the last week.

Should I talk about what he gives me all the rest to the year? A home that is warm and safe. We take exploring trips to see the redwoods, new restaurants, fun sites, educational learning adventures. He teaches me about what's happening in the world, things I had never paid attention to in the past. He shares his work with me, meeting and socializing with those he works with. He walks with me, holding my hand to steady me and going about half the speed he could if I wasn't there. He has really long legs and a great stride... I don't! *smile* He puts his arm around me when we watch tv, and lets me steal his heat. I seem to always be cold. He runs his hand through my hair or rubs my back, just for the heck of it. He doesn't say it so much, but he lets me know he loves me through his actions and the things he does for me. He is a great cook and I can't cook at all. He worries about me and what the cancer is doing to my body, and he gets angry at the waste of money being spent in Iraq and not on health care for people like me, who are dying without any medical coverage at all. He is here and while he says he never does anything right... he does so much right and never hears me when I tell him how much I appreciate it.

If I had one wish this Christmas, or for the New Year... it would be for R to find a place a peace inside himself and lose some of the anger which hurts him so deeply. Then maybe he would learn, he is a worthwhile person and one who can be loved.

We all need to know, we are capable of being loved...
Happy New Year to you all...
Kai

Posted by KaiAyn on 2007-12-26 12:59:14 | Rating: