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| 12-12-07 It's Wednesday already!!!
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I can't believe its Wednesday already! I've been so tired lately and time has gone so fast. Do you ever feel like you blink your eyes and an entire day or week has passed? Where does it go? *sigh*
I wrote to the Multiple Myeloma Foundation and recieved a huge package from them with all kinds of information. More than I can absorb in a day, I'm sure it will take me a month to go through it all. But its good. I think I've found the reason for the pain I'm been feeling and it gave some suggestions for relieving it. Simple things like drugs! *LOL* I have plenty of those. I guess the worst pain is in my back. I tried to tell my partner the other night, pain has become a "normal" part of my life, its not whether I've got pain, but more, what level is the pain today? Some days, on a scale of 1 to 10, the pain is low, at a 3 or 4 but days like today, its high, closer to an 8 or 9 and I think its all I can do, not to cry. I know this is a day I should take pills, but I don't like the feeling of sluggishness they give me. I don't like missing out on parts of my life. Even the not great parts, even the painful parts.
Lately its been hard, I've been feeling sick, in pain and not too nice... but my partner is going through some really hard times at work and I want to support him so I try to push my pain to the side. I don't always do such a good job of it and I get a bit grumpy. I know he feels it and I think he believes he is the reason for my grumpiness. When I try to talk with him, he tells me he is too exhasted to discuss it. He tells me he gets tired of me monitoring him, he tells me, he just wants the freedom to be himself. What does that mean? Who does he want to be that he feels he can't be with me? I don't crowd him, I've even stopped asking him how he is, because he says that's monitoring him. Should I simply not give a holy heck what happens to him or how he feels?
We went to a party last night for a group he belongs to, I went to the thrift store to buy some shoes to wear with my pants, I was pretty proud of myself for getting a good pair of shoes that matched my outfit for only $2. When we got home, I asked him what he thought of my shoes and he gave me a sigh like I was bothering him... he looked at my feet and said, they're shoes, what do you want me to say. Yet, when he purchased two new shirts, we did the whole fashion show thing, with him trying them on and asking my opinion of how they looked, how they fit and if the color was good for him. We spent 20+ minutes on him. Why is it so hard to spend a couple on me.
I wanted to talk about my death, I wanted to say all the things that were important to me, to say how scared I am and what I want to happen when I die, but after approx. 5 minutes of talking about me, we started talking about him and his thoughts on life and death. I'm the one who will be dying, I have things I want to say, things I want him to know... why can't he listen?
Oh, I know I'm supposed to be understanding. I know its not easy for someone to deal with the death of another... but does anyone out there really believe its any easier for the person who is dying? Sheesh! It was horribly sad to lose my parents, but i got to go on living and remembering them. I got to continue to see each day as it dawned and make choices in my life. Sure it might be hard to watch someone die... I know that! But dang it... its even harder to be the one dying and to have all this you want to get out and to be ignored! It sucks!!!
I want to be heard... but when I say what I want, I'm told I want too much. Then, will someone tell me, what am I allowed that won't be considered "too much".
Can't do more tonight, I wish you all peace, laughter and love...
the peace of knowing your a part of the universe
the laughter that only good friends can give you
and the love that comes unconditionally to fill up your heart.
Kai |
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Posted by KaiAyn on 2007-12-12 19:00:06 | Rating: | Views: 53
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My heart goes out to you!......people can be so insensitive sometimes, often without meaning to! Maybe, you could write him a letter, and give it to him when he doesn't seem so stressed out, and after he's had a good meal to eat!
I hope today is a much better day! ((((Hugs!))))
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Posted by Alice
on 2007-12-14 06:14:13
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I am sorry it's taken me so long to get back online and come visit Kai - this I am familiar with - you know my story - Alice is so correct - try journaling your feelings when you feel able to write. Later you can edit them and choose what to share including with him. I ran a writing group for cancer patients and their carers - and it may be interesting if he can also journal his thoughts. MY heart to both of you. John
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Posted by 2rivers
on 2007-12-20 18:19:40
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