Thoughts.com Blogs - What am I to do?

In a previous post I mentioned that I would explain my reasoning about something so here I am explaining.
This is what I wrote in the past post just so you know what I am talking about Let me just side step a little here, before my last visit into hospital, I had told Whiteknight that I had chosen to stay with my husband and that he should get on with his life and work on his marriage. (this led to the beginning of his blog).

So far in 2007 I have ended up in hospital a number of times, the first back in December 06-07. I was admitted with a server cold and asthma. The server cold turned out to be pneumonia. I was so sick and the treatment for the asthma wasn’t working. The doctors and my husband decided the best thing for me would to be placed in an induced coma. So for 3 weeks I laid in ICU letting my body repair itself.

Just before they brought me out I had a breathing tube, to help me breath, and towards the end of the coma they thought they would have to perform a tracheal, however I came good. The tube was removed and I was back to breathing on my own and eventually brought back to the land of living.   I am not to sure what is worse knowing I had a tube down my throat or losing three weeks of my life.  So one of the procedures while in ICU is, x-rays every few days, it was at this time that the hospital found a few things that they weren’t happy with.

So once back in reality we discuss these issues. To cut a long story short, test were performed a lot of scans and bloods taken a few biopsy done and then I hear the words I have been dreading form the start “Cancer”. (I dreaded this as both my parents died from cancer). Well not cancer as such but diseases caused from the cancer, so it was in the family history as the say.
So this brings me to why I said "leave" to Whiteknight. We had often discussed what we would do when we finally met up and all was rosy and we would start a new life together. Marriage, children, a house with a white picket fence the whole nine yards; And now being diagnosed with cancer it threw a spanner in the works.

I played it cool, so cool that I didn’t actually tell Whiteknight about the cancer for a bit, until I could get my head around it and because I wanted to wait and see what the out come would be once I started chemo.   However I had to mention to him that I wasn’t going to be around for a week or so and not to worry. It was at that time not thinking clearly, I had backed myself into a corner and I had to tell him why. Of course he was angry with me, of course he wanted to be here, but I told him no. He had his family to think about.

I had surgery and started chemo, was feeling good in the sense of coping with the chemo. But the mind was playing nasty tricks. Was feeling a little lost, didn’t feel that I was a whole woman, that I couldn’t be what he thought I would be. But he held stead fast and wouldn’t budge. He was in for the long hall.
So a few weeks back I start having problems with my throat. It started off sore and I would lose my voice, and then a few days later it felt like there was something stuck in my throat. It didn’t seem to get better. So finally I bring it up to the doctors on a check up they have a look, nope can’t see anything, need you to have a scan and will also do a scope down your throat too. Yuk Yuk Yuk. In the end have to go and have surgery again!  I throw my hands up in the air and I just want to give in. More dam cancer.

With a big effort I push Whiteknight away again. Telling him that’s it I am done no more. You need to stay with your wife, spend all your time and effort on her, and just think of me as a love lost. You will be better off, I can’t ask you to wait for me when I don’t know how much time I have and I need to spend as much as I can with my kids. Teach them everything I can, spend what time I have giving them wonderful memories. Try and do some of the things I want to do before I can no long.
BUT of course Whiteknight won’t budge. Don’t get me wrong it gives me great comfort knowing that he cares so much, and that he wants to be around as much as he can. And right now while I am unable to talk and while I am limited in what I can do. He has been great comfort for me. He has tried his hardest to get me to change my mind and that it should be up to him if he stays or goes. (And heres that word again) But ………
It takes a lot of energy to please everyone. I don’t want to be selfish.  I want to spend as much time as I have and can with my children, and yes my husband too; and of course whiteknight. I know that if I cut all contact with him I will loose a piece of my heart, and I would miss him like crazy.

But then there is the other side to the coin, what if things work out better than I think and I end up going into remission what then …………………..