I need to share this with someone, anyone, so I have come here to put it into words. Let me just first say that I this post may be long and I apologize for that now in advance.
I have not being looking forward to this week and given half the chance I would have stayed in bed the whole week and let it past me by. Put alas with children on school holidays that is not possible. All will become evident as to why, as I go on.
Our mail gets delivered early where I live, so by 10 this morning, the postie had been and delivered. The usual was in there bills, statements and one hand written letter. Taken a closer look at this letter I wasn’t sure who it was from, I mean hardly anyone writes letters these days. I open it up to find a short note and another envelope with my name written on it. The note was short and sweet,
KP,
I came across this and thought you would love to have it.
Love
Evelyn
There is only one person who I knew with that name. My hands start shaking. I put a DVD on for the kids and tell them mummy needs some quiet for five minutes. Then I open the other envelope.
And this is what I find; this is what I want to share with you all.
Hey Giggles,
Yes I know you have a smile on your face with that. I can’t believe I still call you that after all this time. But it suits you. So I guess you are wondering what I am doing writing you a letter. Well it is 2 am in the morning and I can’t sleep. I didn’t want to disturb Michael, he has been working so hard lately trying to finish the house before that baby is born. And he seemed so at peace I didn’t have the heart to wake him. So I thought I would pen to paper, I know how old fashion of me, and yes I can hear you now telling me to email you, but hey you know what happened last time, Boy! Did I have some explaining to do with my mother in law. Finally after resending them to you and telling you the story about what had happen I can see you sitting at your desk with tears running down your face from laughter, yes only me. That is why I have a secretary at work so she can handle all those little details for me.
You know I really do miss the fact that we don’t share a flat anymore. Because had I been feeling this way, I know all I had to do was knock on your door and you would invite me in. I would have climbed into bed with you and we would have talked the night, no doubt falling asleep in the end. Goodness how many times did that happen over the years. I do miss that at times. And yes I know you are only a phone call away, but when the time is like now, I don’t think you would be happy with me ringing.
Do you remember that movie we saw one night, the girl played the violin and she was the keeper of all the neighbour hood kids secrets and they payed her to keep the secret. I will pay you 50 cents to be the keeper of my secret. Just remind me to give it to you when I see you next. I have something I have to tell you, even Michael doesn’t know, but that is because he doesn’t want to know. I know what the sex of the baby is and I have chosen a name. I know that I can trust you with this, I am sure if I tell anyone else they may tell Michael. Any way I am having a girl………. Do you believe it a mini me running around, ohhh god is the world ready for two of us. Went I went to my last scan I asked and they told me, wow I still can’t believe it a girl. I decided to go with, wait before I tell you, I know I should let Michael help me chose but I know he will be happy with this I have decided to call her “Abbey Hope”. Abbey short for Abigail which was his grandmother’s name and Hope because she is going to bring hope to us all. Now all I have to do is decided Abbey with a “y” or “ie. I keep writing it down Abbey Hope Fisher, Abbie Hope Fisher . Which one do you think?
Hey you better make that $1. I have brought a few girl things, but have hidden them from Michael. And you want to hear something so funny that I know you will get a kick out of. I have hidden them right in front of him and he hasn’t even notice. In the hall cupboard behind his cricket stuff, is a box with some bits and pieces for her. When the time is right I will pull them out. Mind you he wouldn’t know because I have put them in a box marked “Tina’s high school books”. Well we both know that he will never touch that in a million years because of school books written on them.
Okay so on a serious note Giggles, I have no idea if I am ready for this, to be a mother. I look at you and see how much you struggle with trying to keep everything normal for Sam and Matt, while you go through your treatment, and I wonder will I be able to do that. Will I be able to find the right balance to be a mother and a wife? I know that our lives are going to change once Abbey is born, but I am scared that I am going to make so many mistakes. What if I disappoint Michael, I would hate to be a disappointment to him. I know silly thoughts and I can see you right now, if you were siting here, you would hold my chin so that I was looking straight into your eyes and tell me that I will be fine and that I will do this and come out on the other side wondering what did I ever have to worry about. I hope that I have the same strength as you. And I hope that I will be able to give my daughter everything that she needs to become a wonderful woman, which people look up too. Ohhh I know that this is all hormonal but I just needed to get this out, please don’t hate me for that.
Now what about you. I haven’t seen you in what seems so long. So now I am going to put my foot down here, and tell you that I am going to be picking you up and taking you out. We will go into the city for lunch. I will try and get us a table at Fifteen, hey who knows we might get to see Jamie and get us some of that English charm. Then we will go for a stroll and spend some money. I have spoken to Bob and he has told me that you don’t have treatment on Thursdays. This is good because that is my day off, it can’t be next week because I am spending the day with mum, so it will have to be the week after. And I am telling you now, I am not going to take no for answer. I will ring Bob and the kids and speak with him the night before to see how you are, and if he tells me are you okay we are going. Hair or no hair, and if I have to shave mine off too, I will, so don’t tempt me, you know I will do it.
I think it is time for me to go, Abbey is doing her Pilates and giving me a good workout. So I am going to head off to bed and lay in the arms of Michael and let sleep calm me down.
Thank you for being my best friend,
Love you lots and things will be fine with us, Abbey Hope is coming to spread her love and hope.
Tina and poppet
Like right now I had tears running down my cheek by the time I had finished reading it.
I knew straight away that I needed to show this to Michael. So I went next door and asked the elderly couple if they could have the kids for a couple of hours, which thankfully they did.
I headed over to Michael and Tina’s house. I didn’t know for sure if he was going to be home, how ever word had got to me that he wasn’t doing to good and hadn’t gone back to work yet. I get there and my heart breaks the house seemed cold. The garden needed work done and the curtains were all closed, but Michaels car was in the drive way. They say you have to be cruel to be kind and I had a funny feeling that this was going to be one of those times.
I knocked on the door to no answer. I knocked again and again for about 10 mins. I called out to Michael that it was me and if he didn’t let me in I would just start to ring him and knock. I don’t think I would but I did. I knew that he needed to read this. I heard the phone ring and then I heard it crash to the ground. Okay so he wants to be like this. But it felt like that Tina was telling me to keep it up to make him come to the door. I called out once more then remembered where the spare key was. I called out to him that if he didn’t answer the door I would use the spare key. Hell I hadn’t even checked to see if it was still there, but I took a chance. I guess he had forgotten it was there too for the next thing I know I hear the door being unlocked. Even though he didn’t open the door it was unlocked. So I went in. Not sure what I was going to see, but holding my breath in any case.
The place was a mess, which I assumed it would be, and Michael was a mess too, which again I assumed he would be. I went and sat down next to him. We didn’t say anything for ten minutes. Then I got out the letter and gave it to him and told him to read it. He wouldn’t so I read it to him.
It was hard and I had to do it, I didn’t have anyone to hold me up this time, it was just him and I. So I let my emotion come out while I read him the letter. By the time I had finished he just collapsed into a heap and cried. I think this may have been the first time he cried for the whole time. I just held him and let him go. There was nothing I could say. I am not sure how long we sat like that, but I know it was a long time. After some time he stopped and sat up. He looked at me and whispered the words thank you.
It was then and there that I knew I had done the right thing. I was just about to get up and put the kettle on for a coffee when there was a all mighty bang. I could see up the hall and I could see that the hall cupboard door had opened and that Michaels cricket gear was lying on the floor. We both looked back at each other and back at the hall cupboard. It was right at that time shivers ran up and down my body, it was very surreal to me. We both walked over to the cupboard and there was the box “Tina’s High School Books”
Michael just stood there not moving. I bent down to pick it up, and just as I put my hands on the box, I am sure I heard “Thank you Giggles”. Maybe it was what my mind was telling me who knows, but every time I think of that moment today I swear I heard it. I pulled out the box and went back to the couch and we both sat down. I gave Michael the box and he opened it and slowly together we went through everything she had brought to date. Little dresses with matching booties. Head bands, Girly trinkets, more clothes for a girl. Bibs that read Daddy’s Princess, Mummy’s Angel girl and so much more. I can’t believe how much she had gotten. On the bottom of the box was a small present all nicely wrapped, and I had to have a little laugh it was so like Tina to be so organized. On the card it read to my Daddy, form your poppet. Michael opened it and found a beautiful Id bracelet, on one side said Michael and on the other side was Abbey and two love hearts.
I let Michael sit there for a while, while I went and got us some coffees. While I was in the kitchen and to give Michael some time I started to tidy up a little bit. I cleaned out the fridge, washed the dishes and tidy up. Put out the rubbish. And just waited until he was ready again.
After sometime I heard him on the phone to his mum asking her to come around. I knew then that he would be okay. I handed him his coffee and we sat back down again. I held his hand. He said that it was time for him to go back to the land of living. And at that moment it felt like the coldness that I felt before had been lifted. I waited with him until his mum arrived and then I left. I felt like my job for the day had been done.
So why tell you this, well tomorrow (Wednesday) would have been Tina’s due date. I have never really said this but someone close to me knew this with out me saying anything, but in a strange sense I felt that Tina and Abbey’s death was my fault, because I had beaten my cancer and in order for me to have done that I had to lose someone so dear to me. Maybe this was Tina’s way to tell me I was being silly, maybe this was her way for me to help her Michael. But for the first time since Tina’s death I am now at peace.
I don’t need to blame anyone, I don’t need to feel sorry for my self because I am going to live. And maybe just maybe this is Tina’s way of telling me that she knows I will be alright.
She did always want to have the last say.
My family's names have been changed.
Ohhh and if you have gotten to the end of this very long post. Thank you for lending me your shoulder to cry on.
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