I am my own worse critic. I came to thoughts all that time ago to talk about my life. But as the last few years have shown, I have not had the best of time. It seems that tragedy has followed me around. It just seemed that whenever I wrote something on Thoughts that it was something that had impacted my life in a negative way. Then I thought that as readers of thoughts that you wouldn’t want to hear about it all the time. So I chose not to share so much with you. Yes I would write things down but never post them. I have a file filled with a lot of different posts that most likely won’t see the light of day on thoughts. But now I need to talk about things.
For a long time I have been suffering with depression, and at times I thought I would never get well again. So much so that I have did something that I am not proud of doing. And I am here to come clean. Just after the bush fires I was living in hell. I had lost some friends in the fires, and some of those had children, it hit me hard, harder than I wanted to admit to any one. At that point I was at my lowest. And things just started to build up, and every time I thought I was getting on top of things, something else would knock me down again. I was dealing with the fact I had lost my friends, and I also came to the realization that my marriage was over. For a long time I had tried to make things work, I had done just about all I could. But nothing was going to help.
It was at this time that I did “The” something I was not proud of. My kids were away at a friend’s house for a few days, and my husband was out. I was all alone. And when I was alone that was my hardest time, it was when I would think too much. Sitting all alone in my room just staring at the nothing, tears were streaming down my face, feeling all alone, and not wanting to be around anymore. And not really thinking I went to my wardrobe and got down the medication box. And yes you can guess. I did take a whole lot of medication to end my life. This was not away of getting attention I really wanted to end my life. I didn’t want to deal with all the pain I was feeling. I didn’t want to deal with all the pain I had dealt with. I wanted the pain to end. But maybe not enough, because I rang my husband and said I was sorry. I think by that time some of whatever I had taken was starting to affect me, as he sensed something was wrong.
I don’t remember much after that. I don’t remember been taken to hospital. I don’t remember anything. The next thing I do remember is I was being treated in hospital, and put under suicide watch for 48 hours. The kids don’t know and only a few family members know and very few friends know. (Well not now).
I have had extensive therapy and am trying to get my life on track again. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. This is one of the reasons I wrote the post Caterpillars, Cocoons and butterflies.
It has been brought to my attention that some people on “Thoughts” think this is in relation to my friendship with WK, and at the time it wasn’t about him. I had a spring clean of some of my post and deleted some. This is a little ironic because I remember earlier on I wrote a post saying I wished people would leave their posts up, even if they were leaving and now I was just doing the exact same thing. I did take copies of everything and they have been stored on to a disk to share later with my kids if the time is right. I needed to make a change and the change had to start there. However since then we have had a huge fight and we are no longer talking to each other. All forms of communication have been cut. Why? Well that is for a later time to tell.
So, on my road to recovery I have to see someone twice a week for therapy, as well as being monitored carefully by the doctors. I have had a social worker come out and go through the house to remove all medications.
The one thing that I have learnt in all this is I can ask for help and there is nothing wrong with asking for help. I am not going to be seen as a weak person if I ask for help.
So, where do I go from here? Well this is where things get a little interesting. My husband and I no longer sleep in the same room (for awhile now). I have started the procedure towards getting a divorce. I have 3 months to go on my course, but I also have been granted an extension due to my situation. I am saving like crazy because I am planning to move. I am taking a huge plunge and am moving overseas. I am moving to Canada. Yes I can here it now why there. Well in all of this I have met someone. We want to be together. He is willing to wait till my divorce comes through before we plan anything for the future. And contrary to beliefs he is a really great guy. But we are willing too wait as long as it takes.
And yes this is why WK and I are fighting.
And for WK, you can’t blackmail by using the truth.
I will always tell it.
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