The water crashes over me, dragging my body down. I struggle against the force. The icy cold fingers touching me, pulling me down. For a split second my head surfaces, I grasp for air. I struggle to fill my lungs with the air I so desperately need to survive. The next wave drags me down again. My arms out stretched reaching up trying to grasp on to anything, trying to propel myself up, back to the surface. I am tiring of the struggle. My lungs are burning with pain, my body is aching from the struggle, and my body feels heavy from the coldness. It would be so easy to let go, to stop the struggle, to let the water fill my lungs. And slip off to the unknown.
But instead I struggle on, I push through the pain, I fight with ever ounce in my body to survive, but oh how tempting it would be just to let go. I am a failure. I have failed as a wife, I have failed as a mother, and I have failed as a friend.
What has meant to be a day that as a mother we are meant to be relish in the achievement of being a mother, it has become a nightmare for me. I try my hardest to be the mother I want for my children, but yet I struggle day to day to be that person.
Right now this minute, I want to pack up all their things and ring human services to take them away, to find another family who can be the parents they need. I hate the fact that I can not be that person. Instead of feeling joy and love for these two children I feel resentment.
I am not looking for sympathy; I am not looking for all the nice comments telling me it will be alright, things will pick up. I need to clear my head and this is how I am feeling right now. I know that in the morning things will be different, maybe for the better and maybe for another day of these rocks that I have to travel on. And then hopeful the next day will be better. But for now I feel like a failure and I need this moment.
Posted by KP on 2008-05-11 09:36:46 | Rating: | Views: 91
Am i missing out on something? YOU, a failure? That doesnt even sound remotely right. I dont know what you're thinking, but you and failure are two words that cannot be said together. Ever.
You have been my strength in my most difficult times and you have shown true strength of character. I dont know what makes you say this, but whatever it is, I hope its gone away by now.
I'm sorry im late seeing this!
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