Okay so my last post was a little mundane, and I am sorry for those who had the unfortunate experience of reading it. But there was a reason for writing it. You see in the past I have suffered from depression, and the last few weeks I have felt that the black hole that has hovered above me in the past was starting to cloud up again. I have been off medication for awhile now, which has been a miracle I feel, (no, this was not done alone this was done under supervision). I have been worried that maybe I needed to go back on them, (not that there is anything wrong with that). So when I had a day like I did the other day it means more to me than you can imagine. But then again some of you will understand.
Does this make me think that I am okay, that I was just going through a bump in the road? No, because I am still having more bad days than good days. I am finding that with out school at the moment I have too much time to not doing something. Yes I can get out of bed and tend to the kids. Yes I can feed them breakfast, lunch and dinner, and fill my days up with daily living chores. But I am just going through the motion. The mind still has time to wander the dark halls of my brain, (ohhh that is a scary thought, what could be lurking around the next corner). Yes I am crying over nothing, or a advertisement, feeling alone and lost, feeling like I should just hide from the world and never show my face again, but I push through. I have too, I don’t want to but I have too.
I have had a bit of a yuck week and weekend. It started with my own private birthday party for my mum, and then I had come to the point in my mind that I was ready to dispose of my mums ashes (Very long story as to why I still have them), a friend had offered to have the kids and birds over the weekend and so I had worked out where and how I was going to dispose of them.
Mind set ready- check.
Bags packed- check
Ashes in the car- check
Car filled with petrol and ready-check.
Kids off and away for weekend- check
All that was needed was a good night’s sleep and off we go in the morning for a 5 hour drive.
But it didn’t happen. Hubby didn’t sleep well and in a lot of pain. No pain meds, couldn’t get into see doctor. Being that it was a work injury no other doctor would handle it with out speaking to treating doctor. In pain but he felt that he was not in pain enough to have to go to the ER.
I sent him back to bed to get more sleep then maybe after that we could go. He wakes up feeling no better and I was not taking this trip on my own. I rung around again to different doctors trying to find someone for him to see so we could get a script filled, but to no avail.
By now my mind set was losing the battle, I suddenly was feeling that this may not be the right time. That maybe this was a sign that it wasn’t meant to be now. So in short it didn’t happen. Though I am hoping that maybe next weekend we can try again. I want to get this over and done, I need to get this done, once and for all. The ghost of the past must be set free.
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