Well after the shock wore off, putting my baby up for adoption I also had to deal with the death of my grandmother.
So when it finally sunk in when she died I didn’t know what to believe any more. You see my daughter was born on the 5th March, my grandmother died on the 8th March. The 8th March was also the first time I saw my baby and held her. Now I’m not sure what I believe in, but I believe there is something out there much bigger than we realize. So my immediate thought was my daughter had the soul and spirit of my grandmother. Apparently according to the hospital staff before I had been up to see her all she did was cry, then after I saw her for the first time, she didn’t. One older nurse said it was as if angel was there with her keeping her comfort.
I never told her father about her arrival, not then anyway, but later on I built up the courage. That’s another story all together (possible even another post later on). In fact it was demanded from me that I was not to tell anyone that I had a baby. So for a very long time I was never to mention this to anyone. Not even my parents told anyone. And that was the way it was for a very long time.
However in my parent’s wisdom I was allowed to tell the psychiatrist and psychologist that I was hauled around to for a long time to find out what was wrong with me. As this was not normal according to them. I was a good girl who did as she was told.
It is a little strange to me and something I possible will never understand the way people behave after the death of someone. And in the case of my grandmother’s death, it opened my eyes up to a world I never wish to go to again. My grandmother had 6 children and after sometime it was time to start the process of cleaning out her house. This was also a little difficult to do as we were still living there. But her children thought this was a time for a free for all. The vultures had come to graze. They arrived early in the morning bearing boxes and bags and as it became apparent empty cars too.
Things were going in boxes and bags as quick as a sale at a big department stall after Christmas. It turned so awful that I had to protect my own things from disappearing out the door. It was the first time I had ever felt unwanted and unsafe in my own home. Not only were possessions flying across the room to see who could get it first, so were the insults and blame. This all seemed directed at me. (Without opening to many wounds again), basically I was getting the blame for my grandmother’s death. Apparently it wasn’t the 4th heart attack that killed her, it was my concern (who would have ever thought) and my love and making sure that medication was taken on time.
I had broad shoulders, this was just the grieve talking.
KP
If you are woken by the sun bearing through the window, a new day has started and it is time to get up and enjoy it.
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