I know people I am sorry I haven’t been blogging much, very slack hey…….. Well not really. Ohhh okay yes it was. But I still have been around on thoughts reading heaps and leaving comments around the place. Ohhh and now that I have found the wall I am starting to leave my mark around the place as well.
Recently on one of my bad days when I wasn’t feeling the best I came on thoughts and stumbled across this wonderful story that was been written by three of our esteemed bloggers on here, Bootlady, Evetspordlaw and Perigo_Minas. And may I say it brightened my day up. (Hey fellow’s when is the next installment coming along and who’s turn is it anyway?). So if you haven’t seen it you should go and have a look, click this link Bootlady and it will lead you to all the stories, the how it began to where it is up to now.
Anyways so what has been happening with me? Well instead of trying to plan my life to follow a certain path, I am just going day by day. This was hard for to me to do as I like things to be planned, but I am really happy about going on with my life doing one day at a time. I noticed that when I tried to plan many things a head it would all fall in a heap around me and then I would get down on my self for putting so much pressure on my part.
I have for the very first time enjoyed going to counselling. This isn’t the first time I have been and all those other times it was a annoying, it felt like I was been dragged there kicking and screaming and not being true to myself. But this time it is different I actually look forward to going. I have a wonderful counsellor named Jenny that has been very helpful and also had given me a lot of information on support for my kids.
In the past I have heard some people say that when a person commits suicide, that the person was being selfish about there life. And for a little time after my suicide attempt I was wondering why I didn’t feel that way after all I had heard it often enough. But the thing is and thanks to Jenny, I have realised that NO the person who has tried or has committed suicide is not selfish at all, we are desperate, desperate to find some how to end the feelings of self worthlessness.
In my case it was many feelings. Yes self worthlessness was part of it, being overwhelmed by tragedy that had entered my life, feeling out of control with my children and feeling like I had done something wrong for my marriage to break up. There were other reasons but that I could fill a book with but I don’t want to bore you all.
In all that I was feeling it wasn’t one thing that set me off, it was a culmination of all things. Like that small snow ball that you roll down a hill and by the time it reaches the end it is this much larger snow ball that blocks out the sight of everything because of its size. And you start to walk to try and get around it but the path just keeps going and going and going and you never go around it.
I had no control of all the tragedy that has come into my life, I did not make the drunk driver drive his car to cause the accident that killed my best friend. I was not the person that lit the fire that made some of my friends perish in the fires 100 days ago. I did not give my friend cancer that made him dye. All these things were out of my control. I had no hand in them. But what I could control was my grief. What I didn’t control was my grief and how I handled it. When the kids were at their old school I was very involved with the school helping out in the class rooms and at fundraising events, on committees the works. Because this school was moulding my children on there path of growing up and what they were doing for me I wanted to be able to give back with my time. I also had many friends that I made when I was there. But since the kids started at the new school I haven’t even offered or volunteered for anything, and I had not made the effort to make new friends with other parents at the school because I was thinking that if people became friends with me they would die. I know it is a really silly thought to have. But due to the fact that I had so many deaths around me that is what I started to believe. I then felt like I was inadequate as a person, mother and wife. I pushed those close to me away to protect them. So now I am on the path to reconcile with some friends. I am also slowly and surely letting myself open up to other parents at the school and this weekend I will be doing my first volunteer chore for the school at the local Bunning’s, with a fundraiser Sausage Sizzle. As Jenny keeps telling me, small steps, and one at a time, I have to walk before I run again.
Anyway I got off track a bit here or as Roe would say I digressed.
What I was trying to say is that when a person tries to commit suicide or does, don’t think they are being selfish. Don’t get angry at them. Realise that they were desperate to end the pain or try to end the pain. But it also opened my eyes to the fact that we need more assistance in the community. In Victoria we once had a “Help line” that use to be available 24 hours a day for people to ring. But because of restraints from the government and lack of funding the hours that was once available for this service has been cut, all because they were unable to pay professionals to man the phones. The public health system is over crowded. And if you are lucking to get to see some one the wait is just as long. I was lucky to get Jenny as she had just had a spot open up that I could slot into. Otherwise it was going to be a three to four month wait before I could see anyone.
So if you see someone out there trying to raise money for suicide help centres, please give, because you just never know if this is every going to touch your life in some way.
But I will promise you all one thing. I promise this to my friends and my children and yes to my ex husband and anyone else that comes into my life. I will never let my self get that low again that I feel suicide is the only way to go.
I want to live and I know people I am sorry I haven’t been blogging much, very slack hey…….. Well not really. Ohhh okay yes it was. But I still have been around on thoughts reading heaps and leaving comments around the place. Ohhh and now that I have found the wall I am starting to leave my mark around the place as well.
Recently on one of my bad days when I wasn’t feeling the best I came on thoughts and stumbled across this wonderful story that was been written by three of our esteemed bloggers on here, Bootlady, Evetspordlaw and Perigo_Minas. And may I say it brightened my day up. (Hey fellow’s when is the next installment coming along and who’s turn is it anyway?). So if you haven’t seen it you should go and have a look, so click boots name and it will give you the order to read it in if you want to follow it along.
Anyways so what has been happening with me? Well instead of trying to plan my life to follow a certain path, I am just going day by day. This was hard for to me to do as I like things to be planned, but I am really happy about going on with my life doing one day at a time. I noticed that when I tried to plan many things a head it would all fall in a heap around me and then I would get down on my self for putting so much pressure on my part.
I have for the very first time enjoyed going to counselling. This isn’t the first time I have been and all those other times it was a annoying, it felt like I was been dragged there kicking and screaming and not being true to myself. But this time it is different I actually look forward to going. I have a wonderful counsellor named Jenny that has been very helpful and also had given me a lot of information on support for my kids.
In the past I have heard some people say that when a person commits suicide, that the person was being selfish about there life. And for a little time after my suicide attempt I was wondering why I didn’t feel that way after all I had heard it often enough. But the thing is and thanks to Jenny, I have realised that NO the person who has tried or has committed suicide is not selfish at all, we are desperate, desperate to find some how to end the feelings of self worthlessness.
In my case it was many feelings. Yes self worthlessness was part of it, being overwhelmed by tragedy that had entered my life, feeling out of control with my children and feeling like I had done something wrong for my marriage to break up. There were other reasons but that I could fill a book with but I don’t want to bore you all.
In all that I was feeling it wasn’t one thing that set me off, it was a culmination of all things. Like that small snow ball that you roll down a hill and by the time it reaches the end it is this much larger snow ball that blocks out the sight of everything because of its size. And you start to walk to try and get around it but the path just keeps going and going and going and you never go around it.
I had no control of all the tragedy that has come into my life, I did not make the drunk driver drive his car to cause the accident that killed my best friend. I was not the person that lit the fire that made some of my friends perish in the fires 100 days ago. I did not give my friend cancer that made him dye. All these things were out of my control. I had no hand in them. But what I could control was my grief. What I didn’t control was my grief and how I handled it. When the kids were at their old school I was very involved with the school helping out in the class rooms and at fundraising events, on committees the works. Because this school was moulding my children on there path of growing up and what they were doing for me I wanted to be able to give back with my time. I also had many friends that I made when I was there. But since the kids started at the new school I haven’t even offered or volunteered for anything, and I had not made the effort to make new friends with other parents at the school because I was thinking that if people became friends with me they would die. I know it is a really silly thought to have. But due to the fact that I had so many deaths around me that is what I started to believe. I then felt like I was inadequate as a person, mother and wife. I pushed those close to me away to protect them. So now I am on the path to reconcile with some friends. I am also slowly and surely letting myself open up to other parents at the school and this weekend I will be doing my first volunteer chore for the school at the local Bunning’s, with a fundraiser Sausage Sizzle. As Jenny keeps telling me, small steps, and one at a time, I have to walk before I run again.
Anyway I got off track a bit here or as Roe would say I digressed.
What I was trying to say is that when a person tries to commit suicide or does, don’t think they are being selfish. Don’t get angry at them. Realise that they were desperate to end the pain or try to end the pain. But it also opened my eyes to the fact that we need more assistance in the community. In Victoria we once had a “Help line” that use to be available 24 hours a day for people to ring. But because of restraints from the government and lack of funding the hours that was once available for this service has been cut, all because they were unable to pay professionals to man the phones. The public health system is over crowded. And if you are lucking to get to see some one the wait is just as long. I was lucky to get Jenny as she had just had a spot open up that I could slot into. Otherwise it was going to be a three to four month wait before I could see anyone.
So if you see someone out there trying to raise money for suicide help centres, please give, because you just never know if this is every going to touch your life in some way.
But I will promise you all one thing. I promise this to my friends and my children and yes to my ex husband and anyone else that comes into my life. I will never let my self get that low again that I feel suicide is the only way to go.
I want to live and I choose life.
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