It is strange that path that our lives take. We never know where we are going. We have our day to day life’s and for most parts, and occasionally something happens and we re evaluated what is important to us. But the one thing that is very important to most of us I feel is the friendships we make over the years.
I know personally that I have some very close friends, and then I also have just friends. But every one of those friendships is important to me in one way or another. But like something’s in our life’s friendships also run the course. Some we intentionally end of whatever reason and some we wonder why, was it something we have said or done or not done. But I find my self with this question hanging over me for a number of reasons, but mainly because I am not sure which direction to go.
Some of you will be aware of my friend Tina who died in April. She meant the world to me. We meet at school, and stayed in touch long afterwards. We shared many a good times. We were there for each other when boyfriends came and went, went augments with parents seemed like the end of the world. We were there for each other when we needed to be. I was there for her when she met her husband Michael. She was there for me when I meet my husband and when I had my children. Even though sometimes we didn’t speak to each other for weeks at a time, and then there were times when it was every other day. It was the course of direction our friendship took, but now I am wondering when do, I let go. Michael went through a extremely hard time with Tina’s death which is to be expected. And I have tried to be there for him as much as he would let me. But it is feeling like it is all too hard. I want to be there for Michael, but how do I know if it is the right thing to do. Or has this friendship runs its course. Do I just stop and see what happens. As it stands there would be no contact if I didn’t make the effort. If I didn’t drop the odd email or make the odd call, and on the few occasions gone and filled his freezer with meals to make sure he is eating. For the most part I leave him be but yet I there has been a slight pull towards him because I want to honour Tina, but by honouring Tina am I doing more damage. I just am unsure what to do next.
Then there is Annie, my own Mrs Doubtfire. After Annie was allowed to go home I continued seeing her when ever I could. Then things got too hard for her at her home and so she sold up and went into a retirement village, where I am happy to say she absolutely loves. It is like she has found a new lease of life. She is off doing day trips with her new found friends, or other activities that are put on for them. And at times it is hard to pin her down for a visit. I ring and leave messages for her, and on the odd occasions have dropped in to see her. But once again do I just let go and let her go on with her life. Not that I want to tell her what to do but just because she help me and my family when we needed the most, and became very important to us. Or has time just moved on with out us. It has made me think did I substitute Annie as a parent because I didn’t have my own mother. And again with Annie it is always me who makes the effort. I don’t want to begrudge her, but with her not making the effort is that a sign that she no longer wants me in her life, and no I haven’t asked because I don’t want to know, because if it is because she no longer wants me in her life it will feel like another abandonment in my life. So once again do I just let it go and let it takes it owns course.
With both these situations it does show me that no matter how old we are, doubt and being unsure never goes away. I use to think that once I turn 30 I would know the answers to what I would have thought were life’s simple questions. But looking at it there are no simple questions in life and the path we take.
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