KP

TRUST

2009-08-08T01:20:27-04:00

How do you trust someone? Do you use your heart? Or is it your instincts? Is Trust a one way street or more? Do you trust your own judgement?

Or are you the little girl reaching up for that toy on a high shelf and trust you can climb up and get it, before you get in trouble and take a chance to experience something new.

Or are you the stooped over little old lady that is reaching for her favourite brand of tea but can’t reach and wishes that you were young again to pull yourself up as tall as possible with out hurting something. So you chose to take your least favourite to prevent hurt later.

Or are you the blind man that only has his hearing and his white stick to help take unsighted faith that his judgement is right and takes that first step with out hesitation hoping for the best.

If only we had some one to reach up and get that toy down for you and share in your excitement. Or are you the stooped over little old lady where someone reaches up and gets the tea for you so that you can enjoy the familiar comforts of your favourite tea. How about are you the dare devil and take that first step and hope for the best.

I think in many ways we are all the above. Sometimes in life we have to have the excitement and comforts and be that dare devil.

And take a chance.

Yes we all at some time or another have been hurt, by someone who we trusted, be it family, friend or a love of our life.

But for me I trust with my heart. If my heart gives me comfort and a warm feeling that what I am doing is the right thing then I go for it. Yes sometimes the path I am taking is clear with nothing to trip me; sometimes there are the few bumps to give me that excitement that I crave for. And yes on the odd occasion there are the huge holes that are always in my way, and no matter how far I walk around them or through them they just seem to get bigger make the trip so worthy to take.

But I know that if I believe in something and I trust my Judgement that no matter how long it takes to reach the end of the path, it was all worth it.

As I write this I think love is like that too.
The safest path that the little old lady takes, that is what my marriage was. I stayed with my estranged husband because I knew he was safe. I knew that he wouldn’t hurt me physical, and I did also know that he would not intentionally hurt me emotionally. But it was there that I was wrong. It was his lack of words and touch that hurt me emotionally. It was the fact that when I needed my husband to stand up and say “Hey that is my wife you are talking about” he was not there. Or just to hold my hand as we walk down the street, and not make me feel like I was not worthy enough to be in his company. Or the many social functions we would go to and he would walk off and leave me to go get drunk with the friends.

And yes I was that young girl too, I had a physical affair, I loved the excitement, I loved knowing that someone one wanted me. Was it emotionally satisfying for me? No. In the end I felt cheap and used. I know that I made my bed so I must lie in it, and I did for a time being. Then I got out of the bed and made it and walked away.

Then I got my thrill ride. He was someone I knew from the very beginning that I wanted to be with. I knew from the wonderful words that he writes to me, in his poetry in his stories, in his drawings, and yes even in the songs that he serenades me with. To many they may not be the best, but to me they are wonderful to me they have meaning I love the way that he cares for me and my kids. That each time we say goodbye, it gets harder and harder. That the longing to be with each other is so strong, that that is all you think about all day, everyday. For that day when we can finally be together and the wait was worth it. That what we felt was so true. For me that is the need to move half way around the world to be with him, to spend the rest of my life with him. Yes it is going to take time, and yes we are going to have our trips and falls, and yes at times it is going to seem so hard that we wonder is this all worth it.

But for me it is, for me you are worth that.

So right here right now, I say to you, Tim, take my hand and let’s take this path and make it to the end together, with all the trips and falls along the way. If this was too easy we would wonder why and be looking over our shoulder waiting for it all to fall.

That sinking feeling

2009-06-09T00:45:34-04:00

Do you ever get that sinking feeling when the phone rings and you hear who is on the other end that happened to me last week. I was sitting at my desk working away on my current assignment and it had been a pretty good morning no major dramas or hassles. When my enjoyable sounds of music playing, was rudely interrupted with the ringing blare of the telephone one Friday afternoon.

Picking it up I answer in my nice usual tone, and discover that it is the school, the vice principle at that. After the usual pleasantries were over and done with we got down to business. It seems that I was required to attend a meeting with the principle regarding my son.

Now let me just side track here. My son can be a handful at time, and I have been in constant contact with his teacher regarding him at all times and keeping tabs on him. So that I have peace of mind that he is on the right track. He has had a few run-ins with minor infractions.

So when this call came through I started to panic, as I am sure most parents would. So when my little man come home that night we sat down and I asked him what had been happening at school and had he been naughty at all. And with sweet innocents that young children can show. He looked at me and said well not always but I do try. So I asked him what sort of things had happened that was naughty, and of course he couldn’t remember any. He did however mention that their were two older grade 6 girls that were always playing with and his friend and that at times can be annoying, ohhh and the fact that his sister can also get in his face at time to time. So as far as I thought all was not too bad and I should be in for a big shock.

By the time the weekend had finished and Sunday was coming to an end for the 8 30 am meeting I had worked myself up to such a state that I had the poor guy suspended or expelled in my head. I also had plan a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h……………………….. all worked out as well for what ever was going to be thrown at me that morning. Needless to say that not much sleep was had Sunday night.

So up I get and get ready as well as the kids and off we go to school for the meeting. Now the meeting had been scheduled for 8.30am we got there at 8.25am. 8.55 am was in we were asked into the office to see the principle. Who was not alone there was also his class room teacher and a secretary to take minutes of the meeting as well as the vice principle. I was starting to feel like I was being lined up for the firing squad.

So I sit down and they hand me a student progress report, and I start to read it. He has been disruptive in class, he is not finishing his work, he is not showing correct empathy to other students, he is answering back to teacher, he has been sent to the principles office a number of times for behaviour issues. And the list goes on. And the older girls that were hanging around him well apparently it is the other way around, According to the principle my son and his other friend have been chasing them and harassing them.

So this is when I look up with a puzzled look on my face and look at the principle and then the teacher and wait for them both to finish saying what they have to say.

Finally I get my turn. Well I start off with thank you for informing me of what is going on however everyday (and I look at the teacher when I say this), I ask you if there are any issues that has happened on that day. And for the most part you tell me he has had a good day or a great day. Not once have you mentioned any of this. I have always told you that if there is any issue no matter how minor you may think it is I want to be told. I then proceeded to tell my version of the few things I did know to see if there was a possibility that some where between their version and my version is the truth.

We also put into place some strategies and I have given permission for them to bring outside help as well. I also mentioned that I felt that you may need to consider both children in having this help as they feed off one another, (meaning my son and his little friend).

Then it comes to the issue of my son and his sister and how their behaviour to each other at times is not pleasant. So I ask them which brother sister relationship is pleasant at all times. And once again I suggest that with this outside help they are getting in that they may consider my daughter as well so they both can learn how to respect each other. I am not saying that I don’t enforce this at home; I do on a regular basis. However it doesn’t always get heard by them and possible with the help of a third person who is neutral to all parties it may sink in.

Unfortunately my son was sick last week and hasn’t been at school so I can’t tell you if any of the strategies that we have put into place are working. This will be the first week of them. But boy; did I over exaggerate things in my mind. No he hasn’t been suspended and no he hasn’t been expelled. And no I am not one of these mothers that think my son can do no wrong. I know that he can bee over the top at times. But I do the best I can, and I am now asking for help when I can’t find a solution.

So hopefully we will get a handle on this before the year is out.

Pool of tranquillity

2009-06-08T23:53:39-04:00

This is something I wrote a few days ago, when my mind was a swirl of confusion.

Me:
Like a brook running gently I skip over the rocks peacefully
I take my leisurely time running down towards new beginnings
My water is pure and clear for all to see the bottom where my silken pebbles lay
To touch and experience my water brings forth sensual sensations warmed from the suns rays.
My comfort brings peace, to the one who takes a moment to enjoy what I have to offer him.

You:
The stream that you are, you push up against the currents trying to make it to the top
You move with a fast pace, pushing hard against the flow of the brook
Your water may be pure and clear, but the physical force of your pace, agitates the water
To touch and experience your water brings shivers with the turbulently fighting against the tides.
You presences cause havoc and chaos, but beneath the swirling waters calmness awaits.

Together:
When the two met together in a pool of tranquillity
They intertwine together the warmth and the roughness bringing forth peace
The brook leads the stream to soother waters and shows him how to listen to his inner self
To touch and experience their water brings peace and harmony to those who dare.
Together they teach each other patience and tolerance, and to trust what they can not see
Jointly as one filled with harmony they travel forwards to a better pool of love.

Where are the auditions to Idol being held?

2009-05-27T08:00:03-04:00

Hi all,

I still love Thoughts.com however I have also found a site that is also taking up a lot of my spare time (ha ha what spare time). So what is this site you ask? Well it is very simple actually. Well for me.

Let me just digress a little here. Sometime back when we were doing QOD (Question of the Day for those that don’t know). There was a question that was about things I haven’t’ done that I would like to do. Well one of those things was that I had never done Karaoke. Some of you were surprised.

Well in a sense I still haven’t but in a sense I have. Let me explain. I was introduced to this website that is an online Karaoke. You choose the song you want to sing. You can practice it a few times if you like. Then you record it while you sing it (as long as you have a microphone of some sort). Then you review it. If you like what you hear then you save it and it goes under you profile for others to listen too. And just like Thoughts.com people can go and listen to your songs and even leave comments.

Now I know that it isn’t the same as going out and doing this in public and hear the audience booing or clapping which ever it may be. But still when I see that someone has left a comment it makes me feel like the audience is there clapping me.

No I am not a great singer, there are so many on the site that are so much better than me. But I enjoy myself. I sing the songs I love. I tackle ones that I haven’t heard of, by listening to others and singing along with them till I think I can do it on my own. You can also sing duets with people. And I have been asked a few times to do a song with someone.

But the best thing about this site is that the kids and I sing together and we are making wonderful memories. And everyday when they come home from school we practice a song and then when we are good we record it. The kids get such a buzz when people comment on their songs. I love to see the smile and gleam in their eyes when we read what people have said.

And just like Thoughts.com I have made some great friends on there to. So now I have two addictions Thoughts.com and the Singsnap website. So if you haven’t heard from me in awhile you better check to make sure that I haven't faded away to dust, sitting at my desk singing and typing away on my favorite addictive websites.

I choose life.

2009-05-19T11:06:52-04:00

I know people I am sorry I haven’t been blogging much, very slack hey…….. Well not really. Ohhh okay yes it was. But I still have been around on thoughts reading heaps and leaving comments around the place. Ohhh and now that I have found the wall I am starting to leave my mark around the place as well.

Recently on one of my bad days when I wasn’t feeling the best I came on thoughts and stumbled across this wonderful story that was been written by three of our esteemed bloggers on here, Bootlady, Evetspordlaw and Perigo_Minas. And may I say it brightened my day up. (Hey fellow’s when is the next installment coming along and who’s turn is it anyway?). So if you haven’t seen it you should go and have a look, click this link Bootlady and it will lead you to all the stories, the how it began to where it is up to now.

Anyways so what has been happening with me? Well instead of trying to plan my life to follow a certain path, I am just going day by day. This was hard for to me to do as I like things to be planned, but I am really happy about going on with my life doing one day at a time. I noticed that when I tried to plan many things a head it would all fall in a heap around me and then I would get down on my self for putting so much pressure on my part.

I have for the very first time enjoyed going to counselling. This isn’t the first time I have been and all those other times it was a annoying, it felt like I was been dragged there kicking and screaming and not being true to myself. But this time it is different I actually look forward to going. I have a wonderful counsellor named Jenny that has been very helpful and also had given me a lot of information on support for my kids.

In the past I have heard some people say that when a person commits suicide, that the person was being selfish about there life. And for a little time after my suicide attempt I was wondering why I didn’t feel that way after all I had heard it often enough. But the thing is and thanks to Jenny, I have realised that NO the person who has tried or has committed suicide is not selfish at all, we are desperate, desperate to find some how to end the feelings of self worthlessness.

In my case it was many feelings. Yes self worthlessness was part of it, being overwhelmed by tragedy that had entered my life, feeling out of control with my children and feeling like I had done something wrong for my marriage to break up. There were other reasons but that I could fill a book with but I don’t want to bore you all.

In all that I was feeling it wasn’t one thing that set me off, it was a culmination of all things. Like that small snow ball that you roll down a hill and by the time it reaches the end it is this much larger snow ball that blocks out the sight of everything because of its size. And you start to walk to try and get around it but the path just keeps going and going and going and you never go around it.

I had no control of all the tragedy that has come into my life, I did not make the drunk driver drive his car to cause the accident that killed my best friend. I was not the person that lit the fire that made some of my friends perish in the fires 100 days ago. I did not give my friend cancer that made him dye. All these things were out of my control. I had no hand in them. But what I could control was my grief. What I didn’t control was my grief and how I handled it. When the kids were at their old school I was very involved with the school helping out in the class rooms and at fundraising events, on committees the works. Because this school was moulding my children on there path of growing up and what they were doing for me I wanted to be able to give back with my time. I also had many friends that I made when I was there. But since the kids started at the new school I haven’t even offered or volunteered for anything, and I had not made the effort to make new friends with other parents at the school because I was thinking that if people became friends with me they would die. I know it is a really silly thought to have. But due to the fact that I had so many deaths around me that is what I started to believe. I then felt like I was inadequate as a person, mother and wife. I pushed those close to me away to protect them. So now I am on the path to reconcile with some friends. I am also slowly and surely letting myself open up to other parents at the school and this weekend I will be doing my first volunteer chore for the school at the local Bunning’s, with a fundraiser Sausage Sizzle. As Jenny keeps telling me, small steps, and one at a time, I have to walk before I run again.

Anyway I got off track a bit here or as Roe would say I digressed.

What I was trying to say is that when a person tries to commit suicide or does, don’t think they are being selfish. Don’t get angry at them. Realise that they were desperate to end the pain or try to end the pain. But it also opened my eyes to the fact that we need more assistance in the community. In Victoria we once had a “Help line” that use to be available 24 hours a day for people to ring. But because of restraints from the government and lack of funding the hours that was once available for this service has been cut, all because they were unable to pay professionals to man the phones. The public health system is over crowded. And if you are lucking to get to see some one the wait is just as long. I was lucky to get Jenny as she had just had a spot open up that I could slot into. Otherwise it was going to be a three to four month wait before I could see anyone.

So if you see someone out there trying to raise money for suicide help centres, please give, because you just never know if this is every going to touch your life in some way.

But I will promise you all one thing. I promise this to my friends and my children and yes to my ex husband and anyone else that comes into my life. I will never let my self get that low again that I feel suicide is the only way to go.

I want to live and I know people I am sorry I haven’t been blogging much, very slack hey…….. Well not really. Ohhh okay yes it was. But I still have been around on thoughts reading heaps and leaving comments around the place. Ohhh and now that I have found the wall I am starting to leave my mark around the place as well.

Recently on one of my bad days when I wasn’t feeling the best I came on thoughts and stumbled across this wonderful story that was been written by three of our esteemed bloggers on here, Bootlady, Evetspordlaw and Perigo_Minas. And may I say it brightened my day up. (Hey fellow’s when is the next installment coming along and who’s turn is it anyway?). So if you haven’t seen it you should go and have a look, so click boots name and it will give you the order to read it in if you want to follow it along.

Anyways so what has been happening with me? Well instead of trying to plan my life to follow a certain path, I am just going day by day. This was hard for to me to do as I like things to be planned, but I am really happy about going on with my life doing one day at a time. I noticed that when I tried to plan many things a head it would all fall in a heap around me and then I would get down on my self for putting so much pressure on my part.

I have for the very first time enjoyed going to counselling. This isn’t the first time I have been and all those other times it was a annoying, it felt like I was been dragged there kicking and screaming and not being true to myself. But this time it is different I actually look forward to going. I have a wonderful counsellor named Jenny that has been very helpful and also had given me a lot of information on support for my kids.

In the past I have heard some people say that when a person commits suicide, that the person was being selfish about there life. And for a little time after my suicide attempt I was wondering why I didn’t feel that way after all I had heard it often enough. But the thing is and thanks to Jenny, I have realised that NO the person who has tried or has committed suicide is not selfish at all, we are desperate, desperate to find some how to end the feelings of self worthlessness.

In my case it was many feelings. Yes self worthlessness was part of it, being overwhelmed by tragedy that had entered my life, feeling out of control with my children and feeling like I had done something wrong for my marriage to break up. There were other reasons but that I could fill a book with but I don’t want to bore you all.

In all that I was feeling it wasn’t one thing that set me off, it was a culmination of all things. Like that small snow ball that you roll down a hill and by the time it reaches the end it is this much larger snow ball that blocks out the sight of everything because of its size. And you start to walk to try and get around it but the path just keeps going and going and going and you never go around it.

I had no control of all the tragedy that has come into my life, I did not make the drunk driver drive his car to cause the accident that killed my best friend. I was not the person that lit the fire that made some of my friends perish in the fires 100 days ago. I did not give my friend cancer that made him dye. All these things were out of my control. I had no hand in them. But what I could control was my grief. What I didn’t control was my grief and how I handled it. When the kids were at their old school I was very involved with the school helping out in the class rooms and at fundraising events, on committees the works. Because this school was moulding my children on there path of growing up and what they were doing for me I wanted to be able to give back with my time. I also had many friends that I made when I was there. But since the kids started at the new school I haven’t even offered or volunteered for anything, and I had not made the effort to make new friends with other parents at the school because I was thinking that if people became friends with me they would die. I know it is a really silly thought to have. But due to the fact that I had so many deaths around me that is what I started to believe. I then felt like I was inadequate as a person, mother and wife. I pushed those close to me away to protect them. So now I am on the path to reconcile with some friends. I am also slowly and surely letting myself open up to other parents at the school and this weekend I will be doing my first volunteer chore for the school at the local Bunning’s, with a fundraiser Sausage Sizzle. As Jenny keeps telling me, small steps, and one at a time, I have to walk before I run again.

Anyway I got off track a bit here or as Roe would say I digressed.

What I was trying to say is that when a person tries to commit suicide or does, don’t think they are being selfish. Don’t get angry at them. Realise that they were desperate to end the pain or try to end the pain. But it also opened my eyes to the fact that we need more assistance in the community. In Victoria we once had a “Help line” that use to be available 24 hours a day for people to ring. But because of restraints from the government and lack of funding the hours that was once available for this service has been cut, all because they were unable to pay professionals to man the phones. The public health system is over crowded. And if you are lucking to get to see some one the wait is just as long. I was lucky to get Jenny as she had just had a spot open up that I could slot into. Otherwise it was going to be a three to four month wait before I could see anyone.

So if you see someone out there trying to raise money for suicide help centres, please give, because you just never know if this is every going to touch your life in some way.

But I will promise you all one thing. I promise this to my friends and my children and yes to my ex husband and anyone else that comes into my life. I will never let my self get that low again that I feel suicide is the only way to go.

I want to live and I choose life.

Truth be told.

2009-04-29T08:46:32-04:00

I am my own worse critic. I came to thoughts all that time ago to talk about my life. But as the last few years have shown, I have not had the best of time. It seems that tragedy has followed me around. It just seemed that whenever I wrote something on Thoughts that it was something that had impacted my life in a negative way. Then I thought that as readers of thoughts that you wouldn’t want to hear about it all the time. So I chose not to share so much with you. Yes I would write things down but never post them. I have a file filled with a lot of different posts that most likely won’t see the light of day on thoughts. But now I need to talk about things.

For a long time I have been suffering with depression, and at times I thought I would never get well again. So much so that I have did something that I am not proud of doing. And I am here to come clean. Just after the bush fires I was living in hell. I had lost some friends in the fires, and some of those had children, it hit me hard, harder than I wanted to admit to any one. At that point I was at my lowest. And things just started to build up, and every time I thought I was getting on top of things, something else would knock me down again. I was dealing with the fact I had lost my friends, and I also came to the realization that my marriage was over. For a long time I had tried to make things work, I had done just about all I could. But nothing was going to help.

It was at this time that I did “The” something I was not proud of. My kids were away at a friend’s house for a few days, and my husband was out. I was all alone. And when I was alone that was my hardest time, it was when I would think too much. Sitting all alone in my room just staring at the nothing, tears were streaming down my face, feeling all alone, and not wanting to be around anymore. And not really thinking I went to my wardrobe and got down the medication box. And yes you can guess. I did take a whole lot of medication to end my life. This was not away of getting attention I really wanted to end my life. I didn’t want to deal with all the pain I was feeling. I didn’t want to deal with all the pain I had dealt with. I wanted the pain to end. But maybe not enough, because I rang my husband and said I was sorry. I think by that time some of whatever I had taken was starting to affect me, as he sensed something was wrong.

I don’t remember much after that. I don’t remember been taken to hospital. I don’t remember anything. The next thing I do remember is I was being treated in hospital, and put under suicide watch for 48 hours. The kids don’t know and only a few family members know and very few friends know. (Well not now).

I have had extensive therapy and am trying to get my life on track again. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. This is one of the reasons I wrote the post Caterpillars, Cocoons and butterflies.

It has been brought to my attention that some people on “Thoughts” think this is in relation to my friendship with WK, and at the time it wasn’t about him. I had a spring clean of some of my post and deleted some. This is a little ironic because I remember earlier on I wrote a post saying I wished people would leave their posts up, even if they were leaving and now I was just doing the exact same thing. I did take copies of everything and they have been stored on to a disk to share later with my kids if the time is right. I needed to make a change and the change had to start there. However since then we have had a huge fight and we are no longer talking to each other. All forms of communication have been cut. Why? Well that is for a later time to tell.

So, on my road to recovery I have to see someone twice a week for therapy, as well as being monitored carefully by the doctors. I have had a social worker come out and go through the house to remove all medications.

The one thing that I have learnt in all this is I can ask for help and there is nothing wrong with asking for help. I am not going to be seen as a weak person if I ask for help.

So, where do I go from here? Well this is where things get a little interesting. My husband and I no longer sleep in the same room (for awhile now). I have started the procedure towards getting a divorce. I have 3 months to go on my course, but I also have been granted an extension due to my situation. I am saving like crazy because I am planning to move. I am taking a huge plunge and am moving overseas. I am moving to Canada. Yes I can here it now why there. Well in all of this I have met someone. We want to be together. He is willing to wait till my divorce comes through before we plan anything for the future. And contrary to beliefs he is a really great guy. But we are willing too wait as long as it takes.

And yes this is why WK and I are fighting.
And for WK, you can’t blackmail by using the truth.
I will always tell it.

Braving the bitter cold

2009-04-24T18:29:23-04:00

Sleeping soundly, when all of a sudden the insistent buzzing of my alarm goes off. I roll over and look at the time and groan. Swing my legs out of bed, it is then I turn my alarm off so that I know I don’t fall back asleep. Getting up I stumble to the bathroom, do what I need to do, throw some water on my face to waken up, brush my hair and teeth, and then stumble back to the bedroom. I dress quickly and quietly. Once I am dressed it is then that I wake up the rest of the household, to quickly and as quietly as possible get dress. We are all ready I grab my keys and we head out the door. It is still dark when we leave and we drive off in the early hours of the morning to our destination. Arriving we park, and get out of the car. The cold bitterness of the day hits the core of our bodies.

We walk towards the lawn garden, and handed a poppy.

6 am and the lone sound of the bugle plays, with a minute silence followed. With the amount of people here I am surprised at how quiet it really is. Then a lone young voice is heard:

They went with songs to the battle, they were young,
Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
They fell with their faces to the foe.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
we will remember them.
Lest we forget

We Will remember them

And the service begins.

The raw emotion could be felt. It was a time for the old diggers to remember, that 94 years ago was the day that changed history forever. They remembered the horrors they faced, the friends, families and comrades that lost their lives. It was a time for remaining family members to remember their lost loves, husbands, fathers, brothers, uncles or who ever they saw walk off in their uniform and headed of to war. It was a time for me and my family to give thanks to all those men who lost their lives and to those who were fortunate enough to come home. Allowing us to live our life’s in peace.

The colour guards, the lowering of the flags, the eternally flame, these are just small symbols of today significance to many Australian’s and to those Anzac’s;

I have been to a few dawn services before when I was younger but now as I take my children it seems to have more meaning to me. Because for the heroic men and woman who fought in the wars I can live in peace and now my children can too. I felt very proud to be there this morning standing with many. It gave me a moment to remember my two grandfathers who gave their lives for me, who I was never fortunate to met. The only sad thing is that I should be remembering them every day and not just once a year.

So as the services came to an end and the sound of the lone soldier playing the last post was heard. I vowed to myself that this will now become a tradition in my family that every ANZAC day we will rise early and go to a dawn service to honor those men and woman.

Lest we forget.
Rest in Peace to all Soldiers

Who has the better judgment?

2009-04-22T07:04:41-04:00

With some recent events in my life that I won’t go into details about, I am left wondering who has the better judgement, when it comes to issues or actions concerning myself. I am a woman of 38 years. I have more life experence than some.

I personally thought that I was the one that had the best judgment regarding me. Yes I know that I have made mistakes in the past. But what I have learnt from those mistakes I take that lesson with me on my life journey. Yet a friend feels that their judgment is right and that they are trying to protect me and see that they have done no wrong.

When ever I feel that my friends may be taking a risk, I talk with them, I give them advice. But what they do with that advice is up to them. I don’t go around making unsubstantial accusations without any concrete evidence, and with what they so called was evidence was nothing but words with out any malice in them.

But I have to ask this, if someone is taking time to asses the situation, and not running full steam ahead into uncharted waters and thinking about all the consequences that this one decision may impact on other. Then shouldn’t it be up to me what direction I take.

I would have thought so, however this friend, seemed to make it their duty, to not only step in and instigate trouble. But to also involve other people into the situation, which has now put me into an awkward position with the third and forth party involved. All this done, because of so called concern for my safety, and all on the word of a complete and utter strange that they didn’t know.

Yet this friend and I have known each other for over 3 years, and I felt we had built a great friendship in that time. But in their actions, I have now lost complete and utter trust in this person. Not only did their interference cause me to question our friendship, but has also destroyed two other friendships, because of it.

Nevertheless this friend keeps saying it is all for the best of my safety because they felt I was in danger. However, I wasn’t about to stand in the middle of a busy road, hoping that I wasn’t going to get hit by the passing traffic. I was taking my time and going over all my options, finding the safest route to take, with the less minimal damage.

It saddens me that it has all ended like this. Because now, of all times in my life, I have now lost 3 more friends, but I can at least know that this wasn’t my doing. And the loss of these friends was not caused by death, they will continue on with their lives. I guess it just means that I am no longer in them. And they are the ones that are going to miss out on having me as their friend and not the other way around;

I AM NOT TAKING THE BLAME ON THIS ONE.

Beware of a forked tongue it may come and bite you when you lest expect it.

Caterpillars, Cocoons and butterflies

2009-04-14T06:43:51-04:00

Hi all, yes I know it has been quite awhile since I last posted something on thoughts. To long possibly, however due to what has been going around me in my life the last few months I just didn’t want to keep posting about negativity. Instead I choose to stay away for a bit. Well in fact I still have been popping in and out at times and leaving the odd comment here and there, but pretty much keeping to myself.

A lot has happened while I have been away, and not all that good either. I have had one of my lowest of lows for such a long time. And only now am I coming up and take a hold of who I am. I would rather no go into to much detail on here, just yet. And maybe when the time is right I may share with you.

I can say that I have come to a turning point in my life and had a spring clean of my emotions and worries. I have closed the book on certain chapters in my life, and have started some new ones. I have a blank page to begin to write again.

So keep tuned to the new me, and watch me as my journey to the unknown unfolds.

I look forward to catching up with some of my favourites that I have neglected. And I am sorry that I have.

Stop and smell the roses and watch the butterflies as they travel on their way.

Darkness

2009-02-27T06:13:00-05:00

The darkness shrouding me with its veil
Winds battering the trees around
Their limbs creaking in protest
Twigs snap limbs strike against one another
A howl, a hoot, a cry can be heard
I scream out with fear.

The rain falls hard plastering my hair and clothes
My skin stinging with the rain pelting down
Mist rises from the ground casting an eerie feel
Coldness biting at my skin, my body shivering
Terror soaking my mind, body and soul with fear
I run on as panic sets in

I can not see what is a head of me.
My arms and legs scratch by branches cutting at my flesh
I trip falling down; I put my hands out to stop me
The mud seeping between my fingers
Slipping I try and stand up to continue on
I run on there is no time to stop

My body aches with torture as I struggle to breath
I must keep going on to find safety
With my night dress torn, and my body bleeding
Standing still I collapse in dread
Crying out for help but no one hears
No one to protect me

Waking, the wind and rain has ceased
Unsure of how long I have been laying there my body aches
In the distance I think I hear my name
I listen hard but confusion fills my mind
Shouting for help, but no one hears
All I want is for the pain in my heart to go

Please don't read anything in to this it was something that I had written a few weeks ago. I am going through a bit of a rough time at the moment and seeked some help. So I just needed to get this out there, sort of like emptying the closet of skeletons.

Goodbye in the face of tragedy

2009-02-20T08:38:59-05:00

When the phone rang last Sunday I knew deep in my heart that the news wasn't going to be good. It was a feeling that washed over me before I had even answered the phone. It was the phone call that I had half expected to get. I was told that I had just lost more friends in the devastation of the fires.

I was told that tow of my girlfriends and their partners had perished in the fires in there home town. One of them was due to be married in 6 weeks and the other towards the end of the year. These celebrations were something that we were all looking forward too. In another town I lost another friend, as well as his wife and 3 children. Their deaths are hard on us all, but knowing that the children have died too is tearing at my heart.

It is strange what you think of at times like this and my only hope is that for all of them there was no pain and it was quick. That is something I will believe, it is the only thing I want to believe.

So in my humble attempt I dedicate these words to the death of my friends.

With the death of friends
I try hard to be brave
but the tears won’t stop
Every time I think of them
They will never be replaced
you are all too dear to me
Times we shared
Times we laughed
Time we celebrated
And times we were just there
Loneliness feels a place in my world
No more calls
No more visits
No more getting old together
No more sharing our lives
I go to ring and stop
It isn’t the same anymore
My head is hurting
From the pain I am feeling
As I think of the times I will be alone.
Without you all here
If I had one chance
One wish
I would ask for you to
Be back here today
With you family,
your friends and with me.
I know you are not coming back
I will miss you
We will miss you
Everyone will miss you
I raise a glass of our bubbly
And whisper in to the air
Goodbye me dear ones

There is still no word on my other two friends, they are still listed as missing.
It is most likely that they have died as well, but is some places the intensity of the fires it will be hard to trace bodies.
So this is also dedicated to them and their children.

Earth to Earth
Ashes to Ashes
Dust to dust
In sure and certain hope of the
resurrection into enternal life.

Hold on to your hat the hot weather is on the way

2009-02-12T08:18:48-05:00

I have been a little quiet the last few days and haven’t posted anything. I guess I came down with a thud. I think that the last week had finally caught up with me.

It is hard to explain what it is like to live on pins and needles, with little sleep. Wondering if this is the moment that we have to go and go in a hurry and then watching the television keeping a eye on things. But the worry for me was if we had to go are we going to be safe. Yes safe from the fire, but what about safe from the panic of people driving in cars. There have been many clips showing cars burnt out on the side of the road trying to out run the fire. Or the clips of cars piled into each other. So not only would we have to contend with beating the fire, but also being vigilant on the roads too. And then when the panic set in. Then you start to doubt the decision you have maybe. So now I have taken a breath, and thank the powers above that I didn’t have to place my family or I into what could have been a deadly decision.

Yes what I have just written may sound like I am being dramatic, but when day after day the images are plastered over your television screens, or on every second page in the paper and hearing the reminders on the radio. It is hard to hide from the reality of what could have happened and what chaos may have occurred.

The weekend is about to approach and everyone is back on pins and needles, as the hot weather is about to hit again. According to a report an hour or so ago from the CFA (Country Fire Authority), 152 fires ignited today. Many of them have been put out, and many of them are still going. There is a worry that two of the major fires that have devastated most of Victoria are about to join and become one and if this happens, what we have experienced this last week will be small considering what damage this could cause. So now we have to wait and hope that the brave men and women out there fighting the fires are able to prevent that from happening. And also hoping that no one who has the desire to starts a fire does, that some where in the back of their minds they rethink what damage their stupidity can cause.

I have been reading Kaybee and Easy2says post’s about this subject that is rocking our world at the moment and just like them I too am feeling the frustration. You hear the frustration in the survivor’s who are struggling with the aftermath. You hear it in the hundreds of people who want to volunteer and help. You hear it in the people who are driving around trying to get supplies to people and are being turned away.

I have heard a few times some of the main organizers in the community centres where the relief centres have been set up, telling people that they have enough stuff. But to me that can’t be right. You may have enough stuff for today, or tomorrow, but what about next week or the week after or even a month later. Some people don’t have the money to rebuild, nor to reclothe themselves. If you can’t use it today put it in storage, save it for next week or the week after. But stop send people away who are wanting to donate. For many this is all they can do.

I feel Kaybee and Easy2says frustration as I feel it too.

Now one more thing as I feel I have rambled on enough. But the outpouring of help to volunteer, in donations with money, clothes, supplies for animals, hay, fodder, you name it, it is being supplied. The outpour help not only in Victoria but what also needs to be mentioned is from Queensland. The ironic thing is that Queensland is also having issues with a natural disaster in floods (my thoughts go out to another thoughts member Kaos264 as I think she may be in caught in the middle of that disaster), but their state government has given the residence affected by the floods $1000 and many of them are donating the money back to Victoria for our residence. That is what mateship is all about.

Not only the humans that need help

2009-02-10T01:32:36-05:00

I got this photo from the local newspapers website
'The Herald Sun'

We have to also remember that it is not only humans that need a helping hand at the momment.

This picture was taken of Mirboo North volunteer CFA firefighter David Tree gives water to a distressed koala in burnt-out country in Mirboo North, Gippsland, in Victoria's east.

Does this mean the end is close for everyone?

2009-02-09T20:06:00-05:00

We are no longer on high alert
Wait I should clarify our suburb is no longer on high alert, there are still many townships that are.

I might get some well earned sleep

I will not unpack the cars it could all change in a heartbeat.

I might feel a little less helplessness.

Could someone please come and blow out all the fires, I would like to think that someone has the strength to just stand above the fires and just blow, like superman or someone.

Can we be allowed to start to rebuild our suburbs, our town, our state, our country?

Can we find our missing love one?

Can the death and devastation stop

Can the heartless people who are looting what houses were saved grow a heart?

Could we have done anything different?

If any one wishes to help

2009-02-09T08:19:33-05:00

Before anyone goes and flags this post. I would like to put a disclaimer that I have had communication with Wayne on this subject and cleared with him first. He gave me the all clear.

After receiving a few emails and with a suggestion on my last blog about I am posting here the links to two charities that are running an appeal to help with the victims of the bushfires.

I am not going to beg as it is up to the individual if you want to help. But I know how some people may want to help.

So if you would like to donate you could click on either one of the charities list below.

Salvation Army
For International Residents scroll down to the bottom of the page for the link to the international Headquaters. Once there and you have filled out the deatials. Where is asks for specifics, just type in "Victorian Bushfire Appeal 2009"

Or

Red Cross
If you choose to donate via the red cross please click on the Victorian Bushfire Appeal 2009
The red cross link is for both Non/Australian residents.

Statistics So Far

130 people have been confirmed dead.
750 dwellings have been burnt to the ground, from houses, shops, schools, police stations, fire stations etc.
Interstate fire-personal from Tasmania, New South Wales and Canberra have now joined in the effort to save our state.
The Army has also been enlisted to help.
Firemen from Canada, USA, New Zealand and Germany have arrived to help with the effort.

And to any one who does donate thank you so much

All my Loving

2009-02-09T03:46:44-05:00

With all this craziness going on in my humble side of the world, every day that passes and the longer these fires go on, brings more stories of horror and hardship and of course survival. But it also brings out a different meaning to me, that at times I have let myself forget. And that is the stories coming out about well known personalities. Those personalities who have had an impact on our lives are humans too, they don’t all live in glass house in the posh area of town, and they are just people like you and me. And could even live in my neighbourhood for all I know.

I guess this became a reality for me with the news of Brian Naylor’s death. I briefly mentioned him in my last post. And I know that Easy has also written something about him too. But today the full impact has really hit home. As there is and iconic personality missing and fear dead. His name is Johnny Young.

So who is Johnny Young, he is a man that has always has his foot in the music industry of Australia. After leaving school, he worked as a trainee disc jockey and started singing at local dances. For eighteen months he was lead vocalist with a group called The Nomads, which was later known as The Strangers. He first real break come in 1965 when he became a host on TV, presenting pop music of the time. Also at this time he released two singles Club 17/Hi Ho and Go Johnny Go.

In 1966 he formed a backing band called Johnny Young and Kompany. They toured with the Easybeats. While touring with them, the Easybeats gave him the right to a song ‘Step Back’ which was co-written by Stevie Wright and George Young. The single was released in May 1966. In October, his EP ‘Let It Be Me’ went to number-one. Another major hit was a slow cover version of The Beatles' ‘All My Loving’ for which he was later strongly identified with as it was used as the closing song for his long-running TV series Young Talent Time.
Young and Kompany in January 1967 released covers of the Everly Brothers' ‘When Will I Be Loved?’ ‘Kiss Me Now’ Soon after however, he disbanded Kompany to go solo and supported Roy Orbison, The Walker Brothers, The Mixtures and The Yardbirds at the Festival Hall, Melbourne on Australia Day, 1967. He hosted a short-lived television pop show ‘Too Much’ and then took over the host role of The Go!! Show. He also won a Logie (Aussies equivalent to the Golden Globes but smaller), for 'Best Teenage Performer' in 1967.
But besides all that he would be best known for a Television show, which he developed called ‘Young Talent Time’. It was a children's variety show, which help launch the careers of some wonderful talented people. Some who are well know and some who are only know too many Australia’s. There is Jamie Redfern who caught the eye of Liberace and soon after leaving the show, Liberace took him under his wing to build his talent and career. Then there is Debra Byrne who had a successful career as a singer and later on in her life has become iconic on the stage show scene performing in Cats, Les Miserables, Sunset Boulevard, Jerry's Girls and Hot Shoe Shuffle.
Then there are the ‘Minogue’ sisters, Danni and Kylie. Even though it was Danni who was a regular performer on the show, Kylie was often invited on the show as a guest. It was from these guest appearances on the show that Kylie began her Television career having roles in a few children soap shows, before getting her most known role on the show ‘Neighbors’.
And then there is Tina Arena. Who while on the show was known as ‘Tiny Tina” because of the age and size she was when she joined the show. We watch Tina grow up on the show with her being on it for more than 10 years.
Beside the television show, Johnny Young set up many dance and sings schools around the country know as the ‘Johnny Young Talent School. This in their own right was a stepping board for a few talented performers, helping them on to a successful career. One of those is Australian Idol runner up Anthony Callea.
Young Talent Time was cancelled off the airways after 18 years of running.
I remember as a child that this was the only show that I was allowed to watch on Saturday night. I would get dressed up and put on make up and do my hair and dance and sing with the show. I was my own star. Johnny Young and the Young Talent Time was my childhood.

So with the news that he is missing and possible dead just breaks my heart and really hits home that even though they are well know personalities to us, but to their families they are just normal people, who now worried and concerned about them.

Why I am telling you this story is every day I am hearing about missing friends, and even though I didn't personally know Johnny Young, I am friends with his step daughter and her family. And with this news my heart goes out to her family.

I have now 4 Couples that are missing
At my husbands work 4 of his work mates have lost everything.
And the list is just still growing.

I am sorry for all the doom and gloom,
but I guess I have to get it out of my system some how.

The tragedy is taking its toll

2009-02-08T07:13:01-05:00

I just wanted to drop you a line saying we are still safe. We are not out of danger yet, we are still on alert. The cars are still pack, and it is amazing how much stuff I have managed to get in the cars. I had a few very sentimental things that I wanted to save, so because we had time today I have taken them to a friends house for the time being (just in case).

The unknown is a killer. We have tried to keep the day as normal as possible for the kids with out panicking them. And we succeeded. I finally gave in last night and went and got some sleep around 4 in the morning. Hubby got up early and let me sleep in a bit. However it was hard to do with the phone ringing constantly with concerned family and friends checking on us. So I got up and double checked everything.

Now a little update on our burning state.

The authorities have now employed the help of the army. We also have other fireman and women coming in from other state, as well as Canada, USA, New Zealand and Germany. They are coming to help and to also learn how to prevent this disaster happening in their country (mainly the Over seas helpers).

The total land area of Victoria is 237,629 km², (91,749 sq mi), (statistics from Wikipedia). It has been estimated that at least ¼ of the state, is on fire or has been effected by fire. This may seem a small amount of land considering, but the facts speak louder.

As of 10pm Sunday there are 84 confirmed deaths, and many people have not been accounted for. There are over 640+ houses that have been burnt. There are at least 12 people in hospital with severe burns, it has been said that at least 4 of theses burn victims are most likely not going to survive.

It has also been reported that some Firemen are driving past bodies in cars, and are unable to stop trying to get the fire in control.

There are some suburbs that have been completely guttered. Many survivors are saying that it is like a war zone. There are many horror stories, and many miracle stories of survival. Many people are left with only the clothes on their back and have lost everything. The authorities are saying that it is going to take more than a week or two before some of these fires are out.

As I am typing this it has just been reported that one of our Newsreaders who has retired has been confirmed dead. Brian Naylor. He was having trouble coming to terms with the death of his son, nine months ago from a light plane crash. Brian Naylor was on our Television screens for over 50 years.

There is so much more devastation to come. But for now I have said enough.

For all those who have lost their lives. Rest in Peace.

For all those who have lost loved one, you are in my thoughts.

To all those that are out there risking their lives for us, Thank you, there are not enough words I can say, or would be enough to say what needs to be said. Be safe.

A thought for Australia

2009-02-07T10:22:47-05:00

I know that everyone is going through some hardships at the moment but I would like to put out a thought to some remarkable people.

Currently with this odd weather we are having in Australia at the moment we have one state that is 60% under water due to floods. They have experienced a major down fall in rain, which is very odd for this time of year over here.

Then today in Victoria it has been the hottest day in 100 years, and the windiest day in 30 years. With those two combinations we are experience major bushfires. In one suburb alone, (as of 11 pm Saturday night), 14 people have died, and the authorities suspect it will go even higher once the fires are under control and the emergency services start the task of sifting through the devastations.

My suburb has been put on alert. So I have the cars pack of the essentials. My train of thought is too get out and save my life as well as my families life, instead of staying and trying to save my home. It is all material and can be replaced. A life can never be replaced.

So I would like to send out a special thought to all the emergency workers, the fire brigade, the country fire authority, the state emergency service, the police and anyone else who are out there risking their own life to keep us safe.

Thank you to all the brave men and women.

Yeah it is Monday!!!!!!!

2009-02-01T16:37:23-05:00

Yeah it is Monday,

I have been counting down
to this day all week.

The bags are packed,
The clothes are clean,
The shoes are polished
Lunch is made
Hair and teeth are done

IT"S SCHOOL DAY

Yes after 6 weeks off
it is
BACK TO SCHOOL
we go.

So to all the Victorian children who are going to school

OR

Starting thier first year of school

Enjoy and learn hard.

Mummy and Daddy's are back at home doing the
Back to school shuffle.

It is beginning to look a lot like schools back

2009-01-25T06:10:29-05:00

Alright so that was a bad try and using a line from a song and changing a few words.

Believe it or not I just remembered that I have forgotten to tell you all something. Well more of a decision that I came too. After months and months of debating and thinking and don't forget the worring, a couple of post on thoughts (months back now), I finally came to the decision that my children will be attending a new school at the beginning of the 2009 school year. Tick tock Easy, Kaybee and Gonepostal get the first day back to school dancing shoes ready.

While trying to complete assignments and exams I was also trying to fit in interviews, orientation days for the kids at the new school. And with only 2 weeks to go till school starts (2nd Feb). I am not too sure who is more nervous me or the children.

New uniforms – Check out with the green and brown and in with the burgundy and white, who was the nit wit who chose white for a school uniform on young children. Better stock up on the bleach and stain remover.

New Shoes – Check, One pair each in black lace ups, I know what a mean mum no buckles or Velcro for them, and one pair each of white runners again lace ups.

New School Bags – Check, Burgundy again with school logo on front. Opps forgot the puff paint to write names in big bold letters on the front. Let’s see if this year we can not come home with someone else’s bag.

School Books – To be picked up on Thursday of next week, there goes another $500 for books and fees.

And the mandatory getting back into scheduled, no more late nights and back into full swing of nightly read. We didn’t give it up completely over the holidays just a few nights got missed. Ohhh and here comes the nightly struggles of homework, ohhh joy (I hope you can all hear and feel the sarcasm there)

It will be very interesting to see how they go at the new school. This one has boundary fences, didn’t have them at old school just wide open spaces. I can say that the likelihood of them coming across a snake at this school is a lot slimmer than the old one. One of the first lessons they teach the kids is what to do when they come across a snake.

This one they will be either able to walk or ride their bikes to school, yippee mummy doesn’t have to drive.

This one they have to start a little later and finish a little later, oh no they will miss out on some kids show on the TV. Oh sorry did you hear that? It was only me rubbing my hands together in glee thinking about them missing out on TV.

What am I going to miss? Well every year on the first day back to school a group of mothers got together and went out for lunch and adult conversation. I think I will miss that this year. But at the same time I look forward to meeting new mothers and starting up that tradition here.