It was daunting knowing that I was pregnant, but what was more daunting was that I had no idea and had discovered this as I was giving birth.  Even now after all these years it is still something that I can't quite get my head around, and more so now after having 2 more children and actually going through these pregnancies.

How can you not know I can hear you all yelling out.  I don't know how come we didn't know.  I had been sick for about 6 months before.  I had been taken back and forth to the doctors, I had even had pregnancies test that all come back negative.  I never put on weight.  I did everything I normally did.  Horse Riding, Dancing, Bike Riding, My music, school and even had a part time weekend Job.  I had never had a regular period before that, so it wasn't unusually for me to miss months at a time.  And I guess I was so busy trying to keep up with everything that I really didn't notice that months turned into 9 months.

So as if my world wasn't turned upside down enough with having a baby at the age of 16 it was going to get worse.  A few days later my only allies died, my beloved nana, who had helped me as much as possible died.  The last time I saw her was the night I was taken to the hospital. 

So now I was grieving twice, for a love lost and for a innocent baby that needed love. And what was I meant to do I was a child myself play around in a world that I was not prepared for.

I remember repeating over and over at the hospital that my father was going to kill me.  And even though he did a small part of me was.  For 10 days I didn't see anyone, not my mum or dad.  They wouldn't come into the hospital.  I was put in a ward that was away from the babies (at mum’s request) and had alot of social workers, psychiatrists and such beating a path to me over this time. 

Nurses come and sat with me and we talked about all the things I should have known about periods, sex, and growing up.  And growing up I had to do fast. They gave me a shoulder to cry on when they came and told me about my nana.  They sat with me when I cried.  But all I wanted was mum and dad to tell me they still loved me.  But nothing. 

Finally after noticing my distress the nurses decided that it would be better for me go and see the baby.  So they took me up and let me spend time with her.  She was small, pink, and so delicate.  She scared me.  She cried and I would cry too.  The nurses were so patient with me; they showed me how to feed her as I wasn't allowed to breast feed so it was bottle fed.  The taught me how to bath and change nappies and care for her. 

Finally after 10 day I saw mum.  She was cold towards me and she demanded to know who the father was, but for some reason I didn't tell her.  So I just didn't answer her.  Then the bomb was dropped.  I had a choice to make.  If I kept the baby then I would be doing this on my own and I would have to move out and do this with no help from them and I would never see them again.  Or I could put the baby up for adoption and they would support me, let me finish school go to university, and what ever else I wanted to do. 

Hard to go on for now
KP

Life throws many curve balls at us, it is how we handle them that makes us the person we are.