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Tonight I don't have any magical words or poetry coming out of me, just more tears, damnit. Some days I am strong, then others (like today) I am not. All I want is to have someone I can talk to, but I can talk to no one, No one, about what is really going on with me. And it is killing me.
I know I am the one tormenting myself, but I want to blame it on others because if it weren't for them or certain situations, then I wouldn't feel like my spirit is so broken, right?
My eldest child, God bless her, is leaving for school this fall. She isn't going far, but oh my God I'm going to miss her. We've had such a close bond all her life, except for her senior year. Well, we had kept our distance because I thought she was doing her thing, and I was/am going through some mid-life crisis or something, so it was all good. Until I recently found out that her father had told her something that couldn't have been father from the truth. He is like a bull in a china closet. I love him, but I don't know sometimes. That may be another story.
Anyway, in his efforts of trying to get my daughter to understand why I've been so crazy lately, he tells her that "Mom's thinking she made a mistake when she had you".
Hello? Why would he tell her such a thing?! My life began when hers did. I love my boys dearly, who obviously came later, but she, my daughter, is the one I wanted. She was the only one planned - yes, the one planned out of wed-lock.
I digress. Well, ever since she told me what her father told her, we've been making up for lost time. She's been trying to help me get through my sadness, and is doing a great job. I really wish I could talk to her, but she would never, ever forgive me. Perhaps one day, way far into the future, when she is a very mature woman, but not now.
Anyway, I'm sorry for going off on such a tangent. I had to let it out. I needed to tell someone who might care a little, but still wouldn't judge me. Thank you for letting me get it out. Somewhat. Sometimes, I too need a shoulder to cry on. |
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Posted by KBmyAngel on 2008-07-18 21:59:48 | Rating: | Views: 52
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Hi KB. You write so beautifully. Your pain is tangible. You're in the right place to let it out. You're among friends here. Nobody will judge you. Welcome.
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Posted by BootLady
on 2008-07-19 08:52:17
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He told her WHAT? OMG are you still with this guy? Even if you did think that, which you clearly don't, it is not the sort of thing you tell a child, no matter how old she is.
Keep writing it out, it really does help, and like boots above says, NO judgement here, just support :)
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-07-20 00:20:31
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