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ok so now i know i haven't blogged in like a week or two. after writing my last blog then deleting it, because how much of fool i sounded like i just needed some time to cool off. so a lot has kinda been going on in the past week and a half. so lets start at last monday. well my boyfriend and i have been on this break for about a month now and nothing has been resolved. we weren't even talking about our problems. then i thought to myself that i was never going to change for him. im only 20 years old in a relationship that almost seems like a marriage. so i wanted to see him on monday so i could break up with him or at least suggest it and see what we should do. we had a late lunch/early dinner at rodrigos, this really nice and good mexican restaruant. it had just opened in the city not too far from my house. as we sat there in an awkward silence trying to make conversation i felt like he knew something was wrong, but i wasnt going to tell him over our early lunch/late dinner i didnt want to pay for my meal, lol so i told him after on the drive back to my house. i told him everything and how i felt and when i saw the look on his face it was just something he didnt want to do. talking about it off and on, on the way to my house and plenty of awkward silence he drove down the street and parked so we can talk it out. i simply told him that i didnt think i can get over the fact that i completely hate his friends and i dont see myself ever being cool with them. also the fact that i didnt like that he drinks, just because its sensitive to me. dealing with an alcoholic father for twelve years neglecting me and always hitting me instead of my brother and sister. so even though im not 21 yet everyone drinks before the legal age but i just never liked drinking. i told him from the day i met him that i didnt like drinking or being around it. he said it wouldnt be a problem because he didnt do it very much, then that all changed once he turned 21, which is totally natural, but being 20 and turning 21 in just a few months im still not okay with it.
so when i told him all of that he didnt know what he wanted us to do. i told him i still really wanted to be with him and i do. i just cant help how i feel. he suggested we do counseling. i thought to myself counseling? at 20? i didnt care, i just wanted to fix whatever our problems were and for us to be happy again. i had been so depressed that week. like i just felt like my whole world was falling apart and there was nothing that i could do to change it. so i agreed to do counseling and work on it more, i mean it had only been a month and there was still plenty that we needed to work on. i cried a lot of course, because thats just what i do lol then i hugged him really tight and told him how much i wish we could just be happy like we were two years ago. me-"i just miss what we had, like where did it all go wrong? how did we get here? how did we get to the point of our relationship where we cant even live together anymore?" he hugged me tight and just said "i know, i know, i dont know how we got here, i want to be with you and make this work, youre worth it and i dont want to give up on us". hearing that from him just made everything seem okay, like to know that i was worth it. that he is still willing to put up with my bitchiness and materialisticness. i mean im not that bad compared to most gays i use to work with lol. no offense, but my bitchiness to them was being really nice lol. anyway, i was happy again. that we were going to make it work. i needed to change myself, he wasnt the problem i was. i need to get over hating his friends and at least be civil with them. i need to get over the fact that he drinks. he is 21 going to be 22 next week and i dont let him have a drink, like its not right. were getting older now..were not 18 anymore..were adults and adults drink.
i asked him when can we have sex? lol he just started laughing but i was totally serious. it has been 5 frickin months going on 6! lol i hope it will be really soon. so that monday he told me that he had the saturday coming up off. so i was excited, i was like cool, lets do something! and he was like uh i dont know, i might be too tired to do anything. we'll see, i dont know..so i just left it as that thinking we would probably do something. so later in the week he calls me on thursday and i had been missing him so much since monday and i was super excited on the phone to be talking to him. i was telling him how much i missed him and that i couldnt go another day without seeing him. i wanted to see him as soon as possible. i had suggested that i go over friday and stay the night so we can spend all of saturday together and he was like "oh..well i actually have plans already on saturday" and just hearing that felt shitty, like i was just rejeceted by my own boyfriend. i didnt want to tell him how hurt i felt so i just told him good night and that i would talk to him later. i cried after, just because when i put myself out there i get knocked down. i sounded like such a dumbass on the phone telling him how much i missed and all that. like i didnt know why i was trying so hard. so then the next day he called me like everything was cool and i told him how i felt and we started arguing. he told me that he never agreed to us hanging out saturday, but my intentions were that we were. he told me he would be too tired making me feel bad about asking then he goes and makes plans with someone else. i was just so fed up with it, but we talked on the phone for like an hour trying to fix the problem. he threw it in my face how much i get mad when he hangs out with his friends but that wasnt even the case. i could careless who he hangs out with. i was just upset because i thought him and i were going to hang out. so when it comes down to it, it was just a case of miscommunication. i was just telling him how hard it is for me here. how i think about him and i way too much, because im at home all the time, alone! no one is ever here. i have none of my friends here no job nothing. i hate it here, i left my whole life for him. so we could fix our relationship, but that was my fault. i was 18 putting my whole life into his hands and everything just flipped. i just felt like no one cared about me, i didnt feel loved by anyone. i wanted him to miss me the way i missed him. i have no one here to talk to about my problems or anything. he asked if i was okay and i hesitated for a minute and said yes. that im just having a hard time copping with everything alone. he was like "well im on my way", me-"what?! what do you mean youre on your way? its midnight and you just got off a 16 hour shift of work" him-"well i dont care, i have to do this to show you that i love you and i care for you" ahh just hearing that made me cry even more, lol. we live about 45 minutes away from each other which isnt too bad, but at midnight and him working a 16 hour shift. like it just blew me away, i didnt think anyone would ever do that for me. right when he came to my house i jumped in his car and we hugged each other so tight for like 2 minutes. i started crying of course and he told me how much he loves me and cares for me no matter what. hes so in love with me that even though he doesnt show it like in a love movie, he feels it. ahhh it was an amazing moment. so we just went to a jack and the box drive thru got a shake and talked the rest of the night. |
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Posted by Juniorrr on 2008-07-23 21:08:25 | Rating: | Views: 45
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