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ok so ive had yet another depressing week so far. thats all my life is right now, sadly. a bad chain of events. so lets start back last monday. things with my bf have been just okay, i still felt as if he rather go out with his friend than me. also just because he hasnt tried to hang out with me. other than once a week and i just need more than that going through so much. so i went on his myspace that day and was kinda scared because i thought he might have seen my pictures from sam's party the day before. i didnt tell him i went because there was going to be drinking there blah blah and since i never went to his 21st he would just throw it in my face. anyway, so as im on his myspace i just wanted to check when the last time he logged in, but i was bored so i scrolled down. before you were never able to see his top whatever or his comments. they werent there the day before, so he had it all back again. when i looked at his top i saw that he put his best friend before me. and i hate that girl, she is a big problem and he knows how i feel about her. i was so pissed and felt really hurt. i know sounds lame, its just myspace but i had been feeling like it was really like that in reality, he always is out with her and they always hang out. they just started being friends again, since ive been gone shes all he has left so of course thats why there friends again. she had screwed him over and was a shitty friend to him and when they stopped talking he was sad and i was there for him. so to see that he thinks of her more important than me, is just bs...sooo i deleted him, lol. sounds mean and immature, but we never communicate through there anyway so what does it matter? that night he went to go see a movie so i knew he wouldnt it see it till he got home. so i was just like whatever, im going to bed.
the next morning, i got up reading my daily perezhilton.com site, then i log into my myspace. of course i have a new message and sure enough it was from him "are you fucking kidding me? grow up". after, i was like wow, hes really pissed about this whole thing. i was kinda happy how mad me was, so he could feel what i felt. so i didnt call or text him that whole day, nor the next day...and not the following day either. i figured he must be pissed, just give it some time for this whole thing to blow over. he texts me the third day. "so whats your problem?" i text back.."umm, i dont have a problem, i think you do". no response. so i was busy that night with stuff and i saw him on aim and told him i would like to talk about our issues, but i was studying. he was just like okay, whatever fine. those three days i was feeling good, it was nice not to argue with him. i missed him, but i thought it was going to help.
well i called him saturday to talk about things and thats where everything went downhill. he was still really pissed, he told me he felt like he never wanted anything to do me, he told me how immature i was and that i needed to grow up. all this bullshit, i told him why i did it and he was just not for listening. he was like "JUNIOR, JUNIOR, listen to me..were OVER, i loved you very much, i wish you the best, have a nice life and your cell phone will be turned off in a week" i was so pissed, i was like "wow! really? is that how you really want to end things with us? our two years obviously meant nothing to you" and ugh it was just bad. i apologized for the way i acted and i told him i still loved him and wanted to still work things out. "you know what junior, in those three days i really realized i dont know if i love you anymore, i dont know if i want to go through with counseling with you" hearing that hurt me, like this was actually happening? i asked him what he wanted to do, if he wanted to end things or not. "you know junior, i really dont know, im going to need time to think about it" so stupid me was like "ok fine, just call me when youre ready to tell me what you want to do" now i left it in his hands, so im suffering till he calls me. i was just so caught up in the moment i didnt know what to say.
i dont know, like if he wants to end things that fine, but if he wants to still work on it. im up for that too. im just scared, i dont want to be single. its so hard for gays to find someone. have to know if the guy is striaght or gay, then if hes a top or bottom? i dont know if i will find anyone else. im scared of the dating world, especially in the gay world. theyre mean and superficial. not that all gays are like that, but the majority are. i just want to be happy already, im tired of feeling this way and i really do love him.
ok i have more to write out, so im going to continue it on another blog.
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Posted by Juniorrr on 2008-08-12 17:37:26 | Rating: | Views: 45
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