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I'm a very piecefull and respectfull person if you've ever met me. I don't like to hurt anyone in any shape or form. I've never broken anyones heart or bones. As for me both have been broken. I found out the hard way that a broken heart isn't easily healed or repaired as a broken bone. I've taken my fair share of crippiling blows to the heart before. The biggest blow was death. My heart and soul was put in agonizing pain and then broken and thrown into the wind. All of my hopes and happiness for this world had disapeared faster then the speed of light. I could no longer feel my heart or a beat in my chest. All I felt was intense pain and a gigantic void of emptyness. My chest had felt like a magma chamber. As my heart was gone, hot boiling rage took over. I thought I was going to destroy myself by erupting and end up hurting others in the process. I was consumed by rage by letting such a thing happen to my mother that could have been prevented. Instead of blowing anger on my family and friends I redirected all of my hatred on myself and God. I never thought I'd get over myself even though it was never my fault. I thought I deserved to die for not making efforts to get to know my own mother. The very thought of not knowing my own mother when I knew where she was and how to get to her sickened me. I had felt like I was the bad guy that deserved to suffer in this world and in Hell. I felt like the Devil himself who has no chance of redemption with God. I had felt so weak and worthless like I didn't even matter not even in the face of my own family. All hope seemed lost for me.
After what seemed like an eternity of hopelessnes I staggered to my feet and took a few long deep breaths. I came to the realization that I was alive. I was alive but in less pain. I mean my point of view was sharper and stronger then ever before. My coping with death and anger towards the world had transformed me into someone strong and beautiful. It had felt like I was reborn like a pheonix from it's ashes. My sight on the world had changed and so had my onlook on life and death. Against all Odds of rage and sadness a stronger me was unlocked along with the strength to forgive myself. I had no idea all of that tremendous strength was buried within me.
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Posted by Jose007 on 2008-07-24 23:46:36 | Rating: | Views: 59
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the process of a butterfly coming out of a cocoon is painful,but it appears to be so beautiful and free,the beauty is what pain give us.glad to know you've got over that,strong man.wish you happy day one and another^^
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Posted by nina880224
on 2008-07-25 10:44:51
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Wow, coming from a mother that wishes her son would be closer to her and not understanding why is isn't, I wish I could forward this to him. Life is way too short. The important thing though, I am sure your mother is happy and proud of the man that you have become. I know I would be.
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Posted by selfcentered
on 2008-07-25 13:25:04
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I think you're a good person with a wonderful heart. You will bring great joys to someone...:)
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Posted by dreampower
on 2008-07-27 18:17:44
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Wow! The wonder of words...especially those that are ripped from the heart and thrown in the air for the world to see, to hear and to feel.
It's absolutely beautiful and I know pleasing to God when we come through a trial with healing and wisdom.
Pain produces purpose and reveals the promise and potential in our lives. It's the way I've learned to look at it. Oftentimes my best expression (in writing)comes from the greatest depths of pain but often it's purpose is not just cathartic for me, but a helping hand to someone else.
Beautiful.
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Posted by Bitsomind
on 2008-07-28 09:46:16
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I can only pray my own son comes to this realization some day. I am glad you made it through this dark time in your life and have come out a stronger more beautiful person.
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Posted by slowtolearn
on 2008-07-29 07:20:27
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