Updates…..Updates….for my reference….so I shant forget the time you put efforts out to talk to me…I hopes you will still in the future… I miss you still …. =[
Texted on Monday April 7th
Didn’t all Tuesday April 8th.
In my head “Pft, you cant just talk to me every other day when you are not in class with your girlfriend. I cant be just a filler… even though it is hard to ignore you, even though I miss you to death, even though all I want is to talk to you… I cant allow that to happen to myself =/… so I didn’t answer his text,
then he send one on Wednesday April 9th
“Read this poem for me. Its so ghetto, its called palmpiest by Jared Carter”
He came on msn later that day, I was in class so I didn’t see, when I got on msn he must have already been at his girlfriends house but later that night at like 9:30ish he said:
Muffins says:
Question
Muffins says:
Do you think I ever ruined things between us without meaning to
Muffins says:
Like. Accidently pushing you away, etc
Muffins says:
or not knowing I was
Muffins says:
plz be here
Muffins says:
I need someone to talk to =[ and I can't talk to myself forever
‘plz be here… I need someone to talk to =[“ my heart crumbled when I read that… I am so sorry muffins…=[
but that isn’t even a question really and besides... shouldn’t he know if he meant to do it or not? idk. I don’t get it....
then texted me a bit after at like 10 n was like 'hey...what are you doing...?'
then texted the morning after (Thursday April 10th - should be in his gfs class)
“'wanna take bets on my mom getting me nothing this year?”
Thursday, April 10th - 8ish.
Muffins says:
never gonna give you up
Muffins says:
never gonna let you down
Muffins says:
and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeiiiieiiiiiiiiiiii willl alwaaayyyss love uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Muffins says:
=[
Muffins says:
Respond!
Muffins says:
can I call you? :D
I didn’t answer... then he got offline at like 10ish... when I noticed I wanted to text him and be like
“yes, come back, talk to me…. don’t go =[ “
... its really hard....... its ok to know he’s there talking to me.. but when he leaves I'm scared he wont ever come back and I don’t know if I want that.. I don't know if I can handle that.. I don’t know what I want.....sigh. >_< I don't know what is best… I die when we don't talk… I die when we do… I miss him… but cant undo what has been done..
I had to reply… in an offline… I said:
"if you want to you can..." (Referring to calling me... Which I would like...)
then at like 2am.... I said... I was talking to some friends about buying a cat... and I was like:
"this probably doesn’t mean anything to you, but I just thought id tell you… that I decided that when I’m older I’m going to have 2 kittens - not related - a boy and a girl... one named Biscuits and one Muffins... so I guess in a sense ...the fairytale future I wanted to badly....can be real somehow"
He texted in the morning, April 11th .. 'poke' (13 month anniversary that day.. =/ )
April 15th, 930ish
“two more days” – I found this one sort rude, I know his birthday is coming up… I had a text in my drafts all ready to go, … I know he didn’t know that… but still…. It’s like… why the reminder? =[ I am constantly remind of you everyday, every second… I know its obsessive… but you don't know … I leave you alone now… so its ok… isn’t it? I cant help that I love you… I cant help that I miss you… if I could make the thought go away… I would… I would… believe me. I don't need you to remind me of anything muffins, I have it all…
April 17th, in the morning… 9amish. (was able to read this text as soon as I got it…it makes it so much harder to ignore when you read them as they come… =[ )
'I need you'
I thought ‘oh… Well that’s good... maybe he misses me? ill just wait for another text though beacuse if he really needs me hell send another....
*2 mins later*
'I’m doing your college for A project'
I don't know if he meant that as…two separate things… or if the reasoning for him ‘needing me’ was because he wanted help with it or something… assuming it’d be the worse case scenario in my life as everything else between us has been going… I figured to keep myself from hurting and not text more….
he sent two more being like
'please respond'
'please talk to me if your there'
It is really hard to ignore him when he says please. He still means so much to me. I want to help him… make him happy… I feel like its sorta my mission or something. But my heart… my poor beaten up fragile heart… it cant do it anymore you know? I am so sorry love… but not today… exams have been rampaging me since the 1st, I'm feeling the stress, I'm feeling the heartache, I'm feeling the pain and loss and torment and assault… I love you … but I don't think I can do it yet, don't worry…. You will get your birthday message tonight =[
*Later that night on msn…1030ish *didn’t see that coming* o.o”
Muffins says:
=[ you stole my idea (referring to the offline about the kittens)
Muffins says:
Can you talk to me?
Muffins says:
I forgot my pass. I was trying for like, 4 days but then I just remembered that it was the same as my email so I reset it.
Muffins says:
are you ignoring me? If you are it’d be nice if you’d just let me know
Muffins says:
Cause
Muffins says:
I miss you
Muffins says:
and when you are online and don’t respond to my texts I get worried
Muffins says:
ima go to bed
Muffins says:
I'm here
Muffins says:
I'm always here
Muffins says:
…for you
=’[ I miss you too… there is something you should know. I get anxiety attacks when you message me. I panic, and shiver, my heart rates goes through the roof, I breathe heavy, I over think things, my tummy turns, I feel sick… I go to the bathroom to calm down… to tell myself to relax, the worst is over, he has left you, he wont come back, he broke promises and cheated, he crushed your dreams, your hopes, your wishes and desires, what more could he do?... =[ … it isn’t so much I ignore you because I don't like you… oh god it isn’t that. Its that it hurts me… it litterly, physically hurts me…. You are my everything and you are gone… it makes me uneasy to talk to something you need and want so badly… knowing they are gone…it isn’t that I didn’t want to talk, my love…. When I was brave enough to come out of the washroom you were gone already… I am sorry I am not brave enough to talk fast anymore…. What would I do if I lost you forever? What would I do if you said you hated me and were never coming back? I am barely alive now…. I am so scared.
12pm – April 18th, 2008. –His Birthday.
"It's midnight. Happy Birthday J*****. (*Heart*) x 16"
This morning he’s like: (6:47am – April 18)
"But...why text me on my birthday and still not reply to texts etc"
*few hours later*
"Talk to me >_"
*more time passes*
“Talk to me. I don't understand how you’d tell me happy birthday and not talk to me the rest of the day”
*signs onto MSN mobile*
NEVER. Done before. It became too much – I missed him since he left the first time, ignoring someone you love is hard, especially when they say please, especially on their birthday, especially when they put a great effort out to talking to you. I couldn’t do it…
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Muffins says:
;_;
Muffins says:
Why don't you talk
Me - i just wakted up =[
Muffins says:
At least tell me why
Muffins says:
But i've been texting you like...all the time
Me – I’m sorry….
Muffins says:
Can i know why plz
Me – Idk.
Muffins says:
But you've gotten them, right? And read them?
Me - Eventually
Muffins says:
So...you didn't have your phone? Or you didn't feel like reading them when you got them
Me – no phone
Muffins says:
Where is it?
Me - well its here but.. iv been going away to the library to study ...its exam time
Muffins says:
Can you text me. This eats minutes
- Jewelz says:
okay..
…Oh, Muffins…. I want to so badly explain all my feelings to you… I’m scared though… what if I explain them and you decide to never talk to me again? What if you think it would be best? What if it is? I don't care… I don't care i dont care... I cant ever not talk to you again… I love you too much… =[ when you are gone I hurt so badly…
Him -“=[”
Me - “what’s the matter?”
Him - “I miss talking to you”
Me - “And I miss you too...but…. we sorta went through this :( ”
Him - “were we supposed to stop talking cause I don't remember agreeing on that =[”
Me – “I don't want to stop talking but…:(… you can’t have both”
Him - “But you are a extremely dear and personal friend.”
Me – “I cant be your friend... I care too much about you... and it hurts me to talk to you knowing you don't love me back”
Him- “what else can we be? And who says I don't love you”
Me – “Do you love me? ... cause if you did wouldn’t you want to be wif me?...”
Him -“I do love you”
Me - “You love me but you don’t want to be with me?”
Him - “I cant be with you”
Me - “But why not :(”
Him - “I'm in a relationship =/”
*Really hurt… even though… I know that’s why and… it makes sense I guess it’s just…. He left me for her… but he wont leave her for me… even though he said things between us died on their own… I'm sure cheating for months said everything about why it died…. I feel that the only problem is the distance… if I were there in real life it wouldn’t be like this at all… but I'm not…. And I don't think I can wait out longer… I shouldn’t be waiting out now…
what happens if they break up for good and he wants to be back?
Is that why he’s being like this to me? To keep me sort of waiting in hopes just in case?
What if they never break up at all and get married... ='[
What if later in life he realizes he misses me for real and we really do have the chance for a good life together… how will I trust him?
Would he put the needed effort out to prove he would want me then?
How can I allow myself to stick around like this?
How do I still love someone so much that hurts me so bad and did everything I hate about a person? Was who I thought not real?
Was who I thought just someone I imagined? Or did he really change? Can he change back? Will he? Would he want to?
What do I do? I cant tell him to go away… I cant tell him I don't want to talk to him anymore… even when I ignore him… it hurts, and I hope and pray he will continue to talk to me… as some sort of invisible ‘proof’ that he loves me….anything for me to use as some kind of hope to cling onto. How can I tell someone I still love so deeply to go away? I cant, I don't want him to… I just want him to come back… why wont he come back? Even if he did … how can I want that? How can I let that happen? What is wrong with me? Why did he do what he did? How could he do what he did? ….. I don't know anything… =’[
*hours later*…..I needed to text…. =[… I needed to know…
Me - Are you really going to name your kittens biscuits and muffins?
Him - “Mhm. Black and white biscuits and either a white or orange one for muffins”
Me- “Sigh…Cute.”
No text back… I don't think ill get one for days… it is Friday…. He has all weekend…. With her… sigh. Every time my mind wanders I imagine them having sex. Its awful… I hate it. They could do a million other things but that’s what I think of. Why did you tell me you did it muffins? Why couldn’t you just let me have that little bit of hope… I can understand if you wanted us again.. to be honest with me… but … to tell me that for no reason… or as a ‘just incase I decide to some back, I told the truth’ measure… that isn’t fair… that isn’t fair…. The tears I soak into my sweater sleeves and pillow cases shouldn’t be there… I did nothing to you…. I just wanted to wait for you…i wanted to give you all I had... you were worth the waiting for me... why wasnt I for you? How coudl you have only waited like.. a few weeks to break that promise to me? =''''''''''''''''''''[ I can understand girlfriend but sex? Muffins, you barely new her anyway... and why .... *crys my eyes out* and why....it hurts so badly.....
I thought the future I was imagining was so realistic… and so perfect… I thought you wanted it too…and I don't understand how you let me think it was okay for so long… you mean the whole wide world to me =[ even after all this… I don’t know what to do… how can I love you so strongly still? Is it cause it is real love?....like real honest and true… why did I have to give all my heart to someone who practically hates me =( …
Goodnight.. my love… my muffins…my world…. I mean it about the kittens… I hope we find a way to come together somehow… =( I just… I figure…. If I can still love you so strongly through this… doesn’t that mean I love you for serious? Doesn’t that mean something? Doesn’t it mean something that you still love me too?…. Although…. Sigh…. I don't know how you feel…. I don't think you can love two people… I don't know if you are lying… I don't know if you meant love as love or if you meant it as friend love. Although you do know our rule about ‘luv’ …. But … I don't know… I just…. The only thing I know… through all these questions… concerns… broken achy heart pains and teardrops… the only thing I know is that I still love you……I still wish for the fairytale future with each other in my head every night…. I miss you… I miss us…. I hope you had a good birthday =(
