Thoughts.com Blogs - Please Be Strong Muffins?...Mixed Signals..

Well… I have finished first year… I haven’t blogged much because of exams and stress… but.. it is all over… and I start work soon… which… frankly scares the shit out of me.. because … last time I went to work I went to the bathroom a lot just to ball my eyes out… where I work it gets dead a lot… and I spent most of the time daydreaming about muffins…. Now that I don't have school distracting me… or much else… I'm terrified for what is going to happen this summer….
So far… I have cried to sleep every night… and woke up and cried right away… its almost as bad as right at the beginning of all of this …. =( but… muffins seems to be… leaning toward coming back? Maybe… well… I mean… at least he said he missed me earlier this month… and.. I just want to write a little shortish (short for me anyway) update kind of thing about what's happened this last week.

Sigh, so… I just want to write out this one text my muffins sent me 2 nights ago… (Monday. April 28th)
yanno. you've been in my head mega lots the last few days.
I dont think i'm happy. i think im using her so i wont be alone. cause i give up a lot of my happiness for her, and there have been a lot of times where we would get really close to breaking up and i would be like please no. i think im afraid of being lonely. you are the one who really makes me happy, truly. i just needed to be with someone else to realize it. and it sucks cause i gave up something i cant get back.”

I just replied with a ‘I don't know what to say….’ Beaucse… I didn’t… I still don't… it’s a really complicated issue… I just… I am glad that he can see that I made him happy…or at least that I tried to make him happy. And I'm really glad he feels that I am the only one that truly made him happy, and that he can see his fear. I hope that this is the start to something good for us… I hope that he will be able to see all this and have the strength to fix it… and make things work better for him… and hopefully for me too?

Today (April 30th)
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