Just...Depressed...Rock Bottom Feeling...Need To R
I'm just so torn apart right now. I'm in so much pain.
Why? Why….why me? Why him.. why us =[
Why did he do it? How could he do it? How could he sleep at night knowing he was doing that to me? How could he tell me he loved me, that no one would ever replace me, that I was his whole world, and then tell me he was out at his dads and out with friends when in reality he was with her, making out…doing shit. How could he do that to me? … no wonder he cut himself… how could he let me feel guilty.. make me feel like I was the one causing him to cut because we fought? We only fought because of what he was doing ..=[. How could he make me feel guilty for talking to boys like Jules and Brian and Soil? He told me he wanted me to at least tell him if I was talking to them… and I did… how could he say that to me when he was doing all that behind my back?
And how could he make me feel guilty for wanting to go out and dress up for Halloween with my friends? I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to make him sad… and he told me he was going to his dads and really was at some party with this other girl.. that he ‘only held hands with’….
Oh muffins… I loved you so much.. how could you do that to me? =[…how…and why? What did I do that was so awful for you to hurt me so badly? All I did was love you.. I really loved you… I really really did. I really really do… I shouldn’t.. but I still do
I cry every night.. and every morning.. still…. Its been 5 months… 5 months to the day.
How could you? … how could you….
I cry all the time… everything makes me think of you….
Why did you come back and tell me what you did? I don't understand… it doesn’t make sense…its like you felt guilty and once you told me the truth you felt better. But what about me? Do you have any fucking idea the pain you caused me? You destroyed all my hope. That’s all you fucking left me with and then you fucking took it away. How the fuck could you treat me this way? I cant look at my kitty.. I cant say certain words without hurting inside.. like loves and likers.. luvers…ftw, ftl, female, maple, less than three, unknown, biscuits, muffins, where you live …..etc…. when I am at work.. I think of the time you were saying how you’d stay with me and see how much one of everything was… and when I bake the cookies and muffin batter is next to each other… and since its Canada, right next to word ‘cookie’ it says ‘biscuit’ …
I cant look at kitties… or make sketties… Muffins you took so much away from me.
I am balling my eyes out right now. I cant even see the screen. My eyes are almost always wet from tears now… I don't run out of tears. I miss you. I miss what we had… I fucking miss it so fucking much. I cant look in the mirror anymore… I feel so hideous.. and then I imagine you telling me you ‘would love me even if I was covered in rotting fish’ … =[ and that ‘ I am the most beautiful person in the world’ … but.. I'm not really…am I? =[. Ugh……. *curls in a ball and cries in my hands*
And …….. also… I haven’t even touched myself since you told me about it… and barely since you left anyway. I cant. I cant…….. I cant even see a couple .. I turn away… even on TV… do you have any idea how many movies I cant watch.. or I cry during this last 5 months? And.. I haven even been able to put my hands together because I used to pretend we were holding hands… and cuddling… I cant sleep until late at night when I latterly pass out now… Ughhhh… and… fuck. This fucking Canada’s wonderland commercial is on right now. It makes me think of you because I remember I went with my friend and you were mega texting me on the way back home… you said you wanted to ‘wrap yourself so lightly around me like a snake so I wont ever want to leave’ … =[ … how did you go from soooo cute and close and lovey to cheating on me in the worst possible way only a few weeks later… what happened =[
And I don't understandddd… if I am who makes you the happiest why are you with her. Why why why why why why I cant stop crying I just.. I just miss you….. I miss you but I cant even talk to you. I cant let you use me anymore.. it hurts.. it hurts to get a text from you saying you love me… saying you miss me… saying I make you happier then her… saying you feel like you are using her, saying you want to break up with her… but then I don't hear from you for days… and then half the time you talk to me .. its about school work or something… =[ ….
I am kinda nervous… when I was 14 I realized that I have been extremely depressed for ….ever. my whole life I have been depressed. And when I was about 14.. I thought… ‘its okay, you have high school.. and university… ‘ but… I'm almost 20. The only time I was happy was with him. I thought he was true and real and lovey and sweet and cute and… ugh… I just… *heart* …. He was perfect. We were perfect. =[ I know that sounds stupid… but it just felt right. =[ how can something that felt soooooooooooo right be so wrong =[ ….. I always said to myself… if I don't get things straight and feel better by the time I am 20.. I might as well just kill myself.
I am kind of scared because its only a monthish away… and I am mega depressed. I have always been so fucking depressed. And… the only time I was happy was with him…but I don't even know if any of it was genuine and real to begin with from his end… and I think he would be so much happier if I was dead. =[
I just still want him to be happy =[ …and I have said that the whole time through this… but he is telling me he isn’t happy… ugh. What do I do? …. I guess it doesn’t matter much. He isn’t coming back……. =[ although if he wanted to I would probably let him….even though I am in so much pain. I still love him so much.
Muffins, you said you wanted someone to look past all your ‘scratches’ .. well I do…I always have. I always tried to put your happiness before my own. That is why I have this blog… so I don't bother you with all this… I told you to do things in the past but I was only trying to look out for you =[ I promise I never ever once just was trying to be selfish. =[ how many people do you think you will come across that would love someone through all of what you have put me through? How many people do you know would wait for years…just so you would be the very first one for everything for them? … she doesn’t love you as much as I do… she doesn’t because she cant. It is impossible for her to… I don't think a lot of people love someone else as much as I love you. I just…… =[ you really are my everything…
I hope you realize things soon…you said you realized your fear of being alone, and the fact that I apparently am the one that truly made you happy all the time… I hope all the choices you have made are the right ones… and I hope that… we can still, at the very, very least, meet up. But…. I still believe you are the one… if you weren’t.. how could I still feel like this about you? =/ usually I’d just have… hated you and left.. but… I cant… I am still here for you… hopelessly devoted…
Posted by Jewelz17 on 2008-05-07 00:08:04 | Rating: n/a | Views: 92
I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but honestly you are much better off without this guy. It hurts now, but you HAVE to let yourself heal. He was controlling you, wanting to know your every move and was insecure in your relationship because HE was the one doing the things that ruined your relationship.
I understand .. how you feel that everything you do relates to them, and that there are reminders everywhere. But you have to train yourself to let go of these thoughts, and the only way you'll be able to move on is if you allow yourself to 100%.
Sometimes people lie, and they'll say things that make us feel like the most beautiful person in the world. Believe me, I know. But actions speak louder than words, and his actions have spoken volumes.
If you need to, keep crying. Let out all of your tears and don't like anyone tell you that you should stop crying. You'll be able to move on and let go when you're ready, so hang in there & keep fighting. Stay strong.
There are two quotes I heard when I started feeling like you are right now.
"When you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill
"In three words, I can sum up what I've learned about life - it goes on" - Robert Frost
i don't know about you, but they've helped me .. and they're continuing to help me. So please, stay strong & i hope you have some people to turn to in real life to comfort you.
If you have really hit rock bottom, then the good news is there is only one way to go - right back up there. Take it one day at a time and I pray the hurt will ease with time. Not much consolation I know - but true.
overthehillandfaraway is right. you'll soon be better. much better. just hang in there. we've all been through some sort of painful, torturous misery and come out of it OK.
