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| It's Either Missery Or Death...
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Its my 20th birthday today....
Infact...exactly to the minute as I type this out... (6:06pm)
Muffins didn't text me at midnight like I thought he would have... Like I did for him...
He didnt even text me to wish me a happy birthday... the first thing he said at like..1130 was about him...
apparently his power got turned off..........how conevient...
The one day where it should be about me he doesnt even talk to me... Im not even worth a fucking simple text message. ... I have to write this convo out.......... I just have to ....
we got our elecrtic shut off
K. Whatever.
what's wrong?
it's just always about you
No =[ it;s not. i was just keeping you updated
Talk to me...please
You havent even asked how i've been one time in the last 6 months..and you dont even know what day it is today...I just can;t belive how horrible you make me feel when all i ever did was care for you...it isnt fucking fair
No..it was a way to spark conversation..
Your right..im sorry..have a good birthday..i'd send you the thing i had for you on my comp if i could..
I cant have a good anything...and if i wasnt so scared of directly telling you all my thoughts instead of my stupid journal you'd know. but what am i supposed to do. if i tell you things it woudlnt matter...you dont ask and dont care...and if i pissed you off you would just tell me to stop talking like you did in January which killed me. and i cant even begin to say how hurt i am that you didnt say anythingright at midnight like what i did. and its so convenient that your power is out now too isnt it. ugh. its just obvious im supposed to suffer and feel like shit all the time. i dont know what i do to deserve it. its becomming too much for me to handle anymore...not that you care.
i;m sorry i didnt text you at midnight. i'll spare you the explanation. if you don't belive me thats fine too..i'm really sorry for ruining this for you..i'll leave you alone if you want me to..tomorrow i'd like to hear all about today..and the rest of what i dont know..maybe one day you can explain your journal to me..?
It would mean nothing to you. you woudlnt feel the pain in the words...but that is why some of them are videos. I have to stop talking for now cuz i have to go to lunch and i dont feel like explaining why im cryting my heart out on my birthday. I have to be back at 6 cuz i was stupid and thought you meant it when you said you would do something nice today for me..i probably wont talk to you first cuz i learnt that if i only speak when spoken to there is a slightly less chance of heartache..not being answered hurts and makes me wonder if i will ever hear from you again..so just have fun with her all day since you clearly enjoy that so much better..and even if i offer you absolitaly everything i can and promise the rest it isnt enough. nothing i do is enough.
I'm sorry.. i wol today from one to midnight..so if my mom pays the bill by then..i'll get online.
You arent comming back...are you? My muffins is gone forever isnt he? we'll never have kittens or live together or get married or anything...we probably wont ever even meet will we? and you dont even think of me often anymore..not like i do...i know you cant tell the future but you can know what your generallly want at least..and i need to know what your doing. what you want from me and us
I'm comming to see you..i really will.
But everything else...its all gone foever isn't it
it's not..
But i dont know if you really mean that....ugh...you dont understand what a day for me is like. i cant do it anymore
Its been an hour and no reply... i feel like he coudlnt have meant it beacse it took him a while to say 'its not'; and there were dots....and of course the long and stilll going pause.
i cant do it anymnore
i cant
i cant care for someone that doesnt care for me...
i cant miss someone that is gone...that wont come back...that doesnt even want to....that lies to me..that hurt me...that still hurts me so much...
that treats me horrible
that makes me feel worthless....
i am worthless... i gave him everything i could....i really really did...and i was waiting..he was worth it to me... he was worth so much... i gave up so much for him....i gave up everything that i was looking forward to for years just for him... how could he do what he did to me?
my muffins is gone and i miss him so much... SO MUCH.. I MISS YOU MUFFINS =[. but even when muffins existed...even then he didnt love me enough to wait... ugh............
what else can i do?....its been 6 months of tears...6 months of heartache.... 6 months of pain and writing in this stupid journal.. and today..when i finally tell him a litle bit... when i tell him just a little tiny peice of my feelings.. he ignores me....
ITS MY BIRTHDAY
dont i even desrve being listened to?......not even today?....... ='[.
I cant stop missing him... i cant stop loving him... i cant stop hopeing for the best... even when he gives me hints that he doenst want what i want..... i still hope.
i think he just wants to be my friend.......
but i cant... i cant... how can he even try to get my friendship after what he did...after everything...he knows i care too much about him to be a friend... i told him that... he knows...
why doesnt he love me?...
what is so wrong with me anyway?..........
why am i so fucking unloveable?
im sick of crying everyday and night.. im sick of being the ugliest and fattest one of my friends. im sick of everything i go through. i know there are things to be happy and grateful for. but that doesnt make me feel better.
I FEEL LIKE SHIT I FEEL LIKE SHIT I FEEL LIKE SHIT I AM WORTHLESS I AM HOPELESS I AM HURT AND DYING NOONE EVEN KNOWS I CRY ALL THE TIME NOONE EVEN KNOWS THERE IS A HOLE IN MY HEART NOONE EVEN CARES. NOONE CARES... THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD TO ME DOESNT EVEN CARE ENOUGH TO WISH ME A FUCKING HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
when i was 14 i told myself....itll get better... ull be ok... u still have highschool.. u still have university... ull be ok ull be ok. if when ur 20 ur still all alone and in pain.. then u might as well end it beacuse you wont get any better...
well im 20... and im the most miserable and pain iv ever been in my whole life..........
and im sick of telling myself itll be ok
cuz it wont be
it wont fucking ever be ok
ill always be alone and hurty... even if i find someone that loves me like i love muffins... i wont be happy... i want my muffins. I WANT MY MUFFINS. i dont want anyone else.
its either missery or death..........
death looks better and better...............
some days muffins gives me hope....some days i feel like we will be okay.....
in my mind i like to think he doesnt love her all that much. i like to think they arent cute and cuddly. i like to think they dont make love... that sex is just sex... that if it were me it woudl be differnt... it would be lovey and cute and snuggly.
i like to think that if i were there none of this would have happend...
i like to think that he REALLY WILL come visit and it will be great... he will 'realize' things and stay here and wed be okay....wed actaulyl be ok
but thats my 'ull be ok' stupid thing tlaking again..... when december comes.. if he isnt here i just know i will be destroyed......
i dont think i can go through 6 more months for another MAJOR painful letdown........
i cant........
i cant stop loving him and missing him and wanting him... and what is so aweful about me? is it only the distence? if thats all it is then its so stupid...why am i not worth waiting for? what if he visits and things go aweful? what if he visists and i feel even more in love (not that its possible) and he completly hates me? what if he just stops talking and then because we dont talk i dont see him?
thats why i cant show him these blogs....
i like to think..
'what if showing him the blogs will make him see i care SO MUCH for him and that makes him miss me... it makes him see how secure he would be with me... it would make him happy that he is unconditionally loved.... it would make him see it and work really hard to make me feel safe and good again ...it would make him see that i would work though anything with him... that i would never give up on him..... that if we were together, we woudlnt fight and break up every fucking day like THEY do.... i want him to see these and realize i care enough to look at everything from all angles and WORK TOGETHER to fix all and any problems.... that im in it for the long haul...'
thats what i want him to see from them if i showed him... thats what they are here for... they are here because i care so much.. beacuse i care through all this pain... all this suffering.. i still fucking care beacuse i know theres something there so great i cant let it go... i would do anything to make him happy. i would do anything for him... what more could someone want?
from his view it might seem like i dont care... beaucase we dont talk for long times... because when we do i never talk about the pain...
but i do care muffins... i just dont want you to hate me..................
i dont know if what im doing causes him to keep comming back every so often.. or if thats what keeps him away for so long...
i dont know if reading these blogs and stuff would show him i care for him and all that stuff.. or if he would take it in a ...im crazy and pathetic way.... or in a .. wow i hurt her alot maybe i should just leave... way.... or what if he cant even read it all... or... ugh......... ='[
what can i do to make him love me. =[ what can i do to stop hurting...........
seriously... only death comes to mind...... it would make EVERYONE happier..=[.
ugh................... i dont no......... i want to wait till we at least meet.......... but what if he really doesnt come.................. what if he does and he doesnt care still.......
why does my soulmate hate me =[. i still belive my muffins was my soulmate..........that he is........ just this...... person... ate him.. and i want my muffins back....
people change........but can they go back? =[
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Posted by Jewelz17 on 2008-06-17 19:03:13 | Rating: | Views: 206
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my soulmate hates me too..he block all da ways i can to find him..know about his ongoings..talk to him..he blocked everything from me..and now he is seeing another new girl..just after 4months we break up..i think i know wat u are actually feeling..
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Posted by LittLe_haNd
on 2008-06-19 10:48:56
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Ppl will only treat you the way you want them to treat you,just take some time and analyze urself , by reading the post it shows ur desperation, no 1 like desperate / needy people.
Stop expecting things from poeple and stop being nice. Its like this lets say that youre in a jungle and there is a lion infront of you and you expect him not 2 eat you just beacuse youre a vegeterian is the dumbest thing in the world.
You feel like shit, and thats how people will treat you ie like shit.
im sorry if im being rude but im just wana share with you that what reality is.
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Posted by odysseus_t84
on 2008-07-14 15:40:13
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Ppl will only treat you the way you want them to treat you,just take some time and analyze urself , by reading the post it shows ur desperation, no 1 like desperate / needy people.
Stop expecting things from poeple and stop being nice. Its like this lets say that youre in a jungle and there is a lion infront of you and you expect him not 2 eat you just beacuse youre a vegeterian is the dumbest thing in the world.
You feel like shit, and thats how people will treat you ie like shit.
im sorry if im being rude but im just wana share with you that what reality is.
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Posted by odysseus_t84
on 2008-07-14 15:44:29
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Ppl will only treat you the way you want them to treat you,just take some time and analyze urself , by reading the post it shows ur desperation, no 1 like desperate / needy people.
Stop expecting things from poeple and stop being nice. Its like this lets say that youre in a jungle and there is a lion infront of you and you expect him not 2 eat you just beacuse youre a vegeterian is the dumbest thing in the world.
You feel like shit, and thats how people will treat you ie like shit.
im sorry if im being rude but im just wana share with you that what reality is.
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Posted by odysseus_t84
on 2008-07-14 15:50:38
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Ppl will only treat you the way you want them to treat you,just take some time and analyze urself , by reading the post it shows ur desperation, no 1 like desperate / needy people.
Stop expecting things from poeple and stop being nice. Its like this lets say that youre in a jungle and there is a lion infront of you and you expect him not 2 eat you just beacuse youre a vegeterian is the dumbest thing in the world.
You feel like shit, and thats how people will treat you ie like shit.
im sorry if im being rude but im just wana share with you that what reality is.
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Posted by odysseus_t84
on 2008-07-14 15:52:43
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Ppl will only treat you the way you want them to treat you,just take some time and analyze urself , by reading the post it shows ur desperation, no 1 like desperate / needy people.
Stop expecting things from poeple and stop being nice. Its like this lets say that youre in a jungle and there is a lion infront of you and you expect him not 2 eat you just beacuse youre a vegeterian is the dumbest thing in the world.
You feel like shit, and thats how people will treat you ie like shit.
im sorry if im being rude but im just wana share with you that what reality is.
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Posted by odysseus_t84
on 2008-07-14 15:54:51
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Ppl will only treat you the way you want them to treat you,just take some time and analyze urself , by reading the post it shows ur desperation, no 1 like desperate / needy people.
Stop expecting things from poeple and stop being nice. Its like this lets say that youre in a jungle and there is a lion infront of you and you expect him not 2 eat you just beacuse youre a vegeterian is the dumbest thing in the world.
You feel like shit, and thats how people will treat you ie like shit.
im sorry if im being rude but im just wana share with you that what reality is.
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Posted by odysseus_t84
on 2008-07-14 15:56:55
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Ppl will only treat you the way you want them to treat you,just take some time and analyze urself , by reading the post it shows ur desperation, no 1 like desperate / needy people.
Stop expecting things from poeple and stop being nice. Its like this lets say that youre in a jungle and there is a lion infront of you and you expect him not 2 eat you just beacuse youre a vegeterian is the dumbest thing in the world.
You feel like shit, and thats how people will treat you ie like shit.
im sorry if im being rude but im just wana share with you that what reality is.
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Posted by odysseus_t84
on 2008-07-14 15:59:00
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Jewelz17
Ontario, Canada
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