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It Isnt Fair...
It isnt fair.
It isnt fair how I cry myself to sleep every night...
How as soon as I open my eyes in the morning I think of you and cry some more...
While you dont even care.. or notice..
It isnt fair that the one that holds my heart would be happier if I was dead..
Or wouldnt notice...
It isnt fair that I would put his happiness before my own
And he doesnt even ask me how I am unless he is in a fight with her or needs my help on something...
It isnt fair that whenever someone texts me... i have mini panic attacks... and I scrambled to look to see if its you..
...and it rarely is.....
It isnt fair I cant sleep on my side...put my hands together...say certian words or see them... make skettis...=[ ... I can't do so many things beacuse the pain is unbareable when it reminds me of you and I and us ...together...
It isnt fair that it is our anniversary today....
Would-have-been 14 months........it isnt fair that it has haunted me all day...all week..
And I could probably bet my life that you didn't even notice... ='[
It isnt fair that I mope around... missing you
I should hate you for what you did
I want my heart back
Give it back?
You cant though.... I would ask you to be a major assfucking asswipy asshole.. but you've got that covered and you still have it....
I loved you so much...I wanted to wait for you... and save myself... and I wanted our future...and I wanted you....more than anything..
And i saw you for who you were... Past all your scars....
And I saw your flaws.. I saw you have a hard time avoiding conformity... I saw your bad influences...I worried...
I saw it all... but I still had such hope....Such love....
But I could never see how you could have been so cold to me.... how could you have been so cold muffins? how? what did I do that was so awful huh? ....sigh......
I love you more than she does...

You don't know how bad it is... to love someone sooo much...to give someone everything you have... and it still not be enough...
You dont know what it feels like to know that same person isn't happy... they tell you you are the one that made them happiest... they tell you they miss you... and they STILL dont come back to you... they still dont even make the effort......
You dont know what it is like to have your entire heart be taken by someone who is happier when you dont talk at all for days....

it isnt fair.....
why havent you tried to talk to me?
You said you would 'text me day after day until you know I am okay'
But you havent said one word in 4 days......
What does that mean?
Please stop.......
I cant take this anymore...
I cant talk to you.. beacuse I dont know what to say... I dont know what to beleive... I dont know what would hurt less... I dont know.. I dont know anything.... and untill I do... I dont think I can talk.......
Not that it matters..... *sigh*....

I have a draft text in my phone..... its been there for days now...
'Are we done being broked up yet? =[ Will we ever get to have our future? =["
....will we?
We wont........ =[
You wont come visit.... you will prolly say you will and want to and not come....
I want to believe you will.. I want to believe you want to...
I think I know you want to..........
But wanting and doing are different things...
Saying and doing are different things too.....

Muffins... be strong enough to DO what you WANT?
This... back and forth thing... its killing me...
I know you dont know how much it is affecting me................
...but......for your OWN good...

It isnt fair that for the last 5 months I have had to keep all these feelings hidden
That I have cried all alone in my room night after night after night....
About someone that doesnt care.....
Someone that smiles and laughs and ...
and.... I cant stop picturing you haveing sex with her....
That hurts me... That kills me.
Why did you tell me? what did that do for you.....I dont understand.........

It isnt fair that I pushed someone away from me beacuse I have been soo busy obsessing over you and all of this .....pain and mess.... and heartache and hurtyness....
It isnt fair that I dont think I will ever feel this strongly about someone again.... and that will push people away...
And I will be all alone....
Forever waiting for someone that wont ever come back....
For someone that could stand to hurt me so deeply....without a care......
It isnt fair someone like you holds my heart........

I just want you to be happy...but I dont want to keep suffering like this for it
I said I would cry...
But I meant once... Not continuously for days and months on end alone....

Please stop?.....
Posted by Jewelz17 on 2008-05-12 00:51:24 | Rating: n/a | Views: 221


Comments


Posted by
deepintought
on 2008-05-12 01:03:28
 
Honey, he so isn't worth your tears
 
 

Posted by
sweetstrawberry
on 2008-05-12 01:19:14
 
girl...I know your feeling...I'm suffering from the pain also...cheer up...we can do it...tomorrow is another day..
 
 

Posted by
jensmith0423
on 2008-05-12 01:23:44
 
Not worth your time... If he doesn't want to be with you, don't waste your time with him. There are much better men out there for you!
 
 

Posted by
goodlovebadlove
on 2008-05-12 01:58:21
 
thats exactly why i keep giving up on love.
these feelings are the hardest to deal with and I can barely take it.
 
 

Posted by
lastblastkl
on 2008-05-13 09:04:22
 
there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better....you just need to work through you pain and feel it and then as time passes it gets better...i know this sadly as do a lot of ppl...life sucks and there is nothing one can do to get around it sometimes...good luck
 
 

Posted by
lastblastkl
on 2008-05-13 09:04:55
 
there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better....you just need to work through you pain and feel it and then as time passes it gets better...i know this sadly as do a lot of ppl...life sucks and there is nothing one can do to get around it sometimes...good luck
 
 

Posted by
browningguy
on 2008-05-13 21:38:20
 
i had a girl do the same to me and i give up on love and its lonely, so stay strong for get bout him, i know its hard, just please don't do what i did and give up its a whole nother world you don't want to be a part of (trust me there will be a better man)
 
 

Posted by
halcyon
on 2008-05-14 06:25:10
 
People are surely scared of being into a relationship again when things have gone hay wired in their past relationship.your pain is conveyed well in your post.you badly need to move on.but leave your past behind once you decide to move on.past should be forgiven and forgotten.take care dear
 
 


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Jewelz17
Ontario, Canada

Latest Posts
1.  Over 7 months now... (2008-07-13 20:44:44)  
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4.  It's Either Missery Or Death... (2008-06-17 19:03:13)  
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