Thoughts.com Blogs - It Hurts....

I hurt
I hurt
It hurts
You hurt me…
My eyes hurt
My heart hurts
My soul hurts
I don't want to live anymore
I want to die.
I want to die…
I don't want to cry every day and every night anymore. I don't want to miss you so terribly but at the same time feel as though I shouldn’t care about you at all anymore. Why should I care for someone who could stand to do what you did to me? What you continue to do? You are doing everything I hate in a person… yet I still love you. I still miss what we had so badly… I hate this.

Work is awful. I cried in the lunchroom and twice in the washroom. I just don't understand…

He didn’t break up with his girlfriend. He got offline shortly after his mini rant about her and didn’t bother messaging me since then. I texted him Friday… to ask if he even meant what he said about the whole ‘I’m not happy I think I'm using her you are the one that makes me truly happy’ thing… he said that it was complicated, he is happy with her, but when he isn’t with her he isn’t happy. He doesn’t look forward to seeing her again, and he did with me… and he was always happy with me.

I don't understand. I could understand you leaving me to be happier… but you aren’t.. I don't get it. If I make you happier then her…why are you still with her? Wouldn’t you rather be truly happy? Are you lying to me about it all? I just don't understand why you would come and say things like this out of nowhere… it isn’t like I was messaging him and annoying him anymore… he says these things all by himself…and I just don't understand why…. If they are true it makes no sense… and if they are not true… why does he keep doing this? It raises my hope a little bit…only to get shot down again… and I know I am being used as someone to rant to and someone there when he needs… he only talks to me when he isn’t with her …and when they are fighting… but what about me? Where is he when I need someone? =[ where is everyone? ….

It hurts to be at work thinking ‘omg I want this day to END’ and then I think.. why? What's the point. I have no one to go home to… I have no one and nothing to look forward too…. Why not just say here at work… at a place I hate … it isn’t like anyone misses me… or anyone needs me… or….anything.

I used the calling card muffins… I bought it in December… I was going to call you on your birthday…but you came and destroyed my hope and I …. I wasn’t sure what to do. I couldn’t ignore you… sigh. But I couldn’t call you like I wanted either. There is still a lot of minutes on it. I could still call you… but I only have about… 120ish days left on it….. which is a long time I guess…. But when I think about it.. it has been 5 months now… and …. We barely talk at all… and I don't have an excuse to call you know…

I miss you. In my earlier posts I know I said that I wished my tears were at least working somehow to make you happy. They aren’t are they? If you are still sad and feeling like …..well like you have said and let on to feel anyway…. Then I am crying for nothing =[. When you told me I should be happy that you are fighting with her and want to break up…. It made me realize you don't understand how I feel at all really…. It isn’t a matter of her or me… it is so much bigger and more complicated then that. I just……. I just wish we could both be happy…together…like before… and it confuses me when you say you were happier with me then with her… it makes me wonder why you left me.. why your still with her… if your lying again… idk. It makes me wonder if me and her were both of equal distance.. who you would pick then…idk. I just don't know… I don't understand… and I'm too scared to ask you for the answers.