Thoughts.com Blogs - I think I need some advice…

I think I need some advice…

So… it was getting to hard of a pain to bear to not talk to him… so on the 19th I finally texted him. He seemed really excited/happy…and we talked lots. He told me he missed me so fucking much and loved me… he said it a bunch of times.

I always figured that I cant talk to him all cutely and stuff because If I do that.. it would be like giving him what he wants.. and there would be no point to give me what I wanted. Kinda like if a girl has sex with a guy she’s seeing.. why would he ask her out?

But on the other hand.. I feel like … if I never talk to him at all… sure maybe he will miss me.. but that will only last so long.. and what if he forgets about me… and doesn’t ever even want to come back later?

When we don't talk I spend all my fays crying my eyes out… only stopping to talk to people and trying not to give away that I'm terribly miserable ….when we talk I feel so much better.. it feels right to talk to him… but it makes me nervous and scared that he will just stop out of nowhere again… that he will just leave… like I will mess up or something…

I don't think he lies when he says it… I think he really does miss me and does love me… but I also think his emotions are quite capable of doing 180s… I don't know….

I asked him if he will change the next day… if he only talks to me cutely when he is in a fight with her… where his heart truly lies… he told me he wont ever change, he wont leave me.. he wants us back.. and it was only coincidence they were in a fight the day I texted, he woulda been ‘all over me’ even if they were okay. Later he said it wasn’t really a coincidence because they always fight, but if they weren’t itd still be how it was…

But I don't know really.. he told me he loved me and missed me all day/night… but the next day it was her birthday I guess… >_< … he said he loved me in the morning (more than 24 hours ago now…) but after 12ish he stopped being cutey… I don't now. I said I hearted him and missed him a few times.. and he just plain stops talking. I feel like its because they made up and he doesn’t want to say it anymore…

I don't know… I also am scared I am going to get on his nerves from talking a lot. I try not to.. but he makes me so damn nervous. I don't want to go without talking to him nemores… he said his heart is 99% with me …the rest is dead… he said he really does want to leave her, but safely. He said things that were keeping him from leaving her was her birthday and prom this weekend….

Which I can see…. Because I mean… anyone would feel guilty to stay with someone through that…
But at the same time… I asked him what will happen after Saturday… once both are over… n he basically said he still wasn’t going to leave her because he has to see her everyday on the bus and in homeroom…
And he doesn’t want awkwardness. Which also makes sense… but I fear that once summer starts.. he will find another reason to stay… maybe because he has other motives to be with her… maybe he does love her still … but I don’t know how you can love more that one person…and like I said.. I feel like he really does mean what he says to me…. I don't know =( .

Another thing that really gets me…. I don't know for certain…. But the whole… him still having sex with her thing… if he is still… that gets to me…. A lot. =[ I think about it all the fucking time.. it drives me insane.. and I think they did it yesterday…and probs will on prom. And I don't get how you can be fighting with someone all day and then do that by nighttime… I don't know… sigh. Maybe they didn’t do it… maybe they wont… I don’t know… *siighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh* and I am WAY to scared to ask him…

He said cute things… like he wanted to cuddle n have us tell each other how much we love each other..and rub noses… and that’s so cute cuz.. when I think about snuggling.. I think about Eskimo kisses and stuff.. but… now I cant help but wonder if THEY do that… >_< I am certain every couple has this problem.. everyone has exes… no one likes them… and it is something I need to get over… but I think it is more intensified because all this happened when he knew me..and promised himself to me…. And everything else… =( … will I be okay?

He really does mean so much to me… I don’t know what to do. I want to just stay like this.. and talk… till summer… see if he leaves and stuff.. but I'm scared he wont… or I'm scared he will and then leave me again for someone new… I cant even THINK about that… if that is going to happen.. I’d rather him just stay with her I think… sigh = ( I’m scared that what I truly want wont ever come true.. even though it seems like he wants it too…

I mean he said he wished he had a ‘free from jail’ card thinger and could come back to free parking with me.. (giggle at his metaphors) and he said he wanted us back and he wont leave…and all these things… I just feel like he means them… I asked him if he knows what he wants… and he said he wanted out ..safely… so … I figure they will break up eventually…. I just don't know when.. and I don't know if he will come back …I don't know if he will stay… and I told him that scares me… that’s when he said he wants us and wont leave. I feel like he doesn’t lie… because he said sometimes he will get a text in school and get all excited, only to see it isn’t me and then he crys inside. I get that exact same feeling… I don't think it is something you would feel unless you really missed someone.. and really cared for them. And I also don't think it is something you would really think to say to someone if it wasn’t true.

I just really hope he doesn’t feel any different to me then he did the 19th… I know it is ridiculous to think he will talk to me 24/7 like before.. .and that it will always be cute and cuddly… it just worries me so much that he hasn't said he missed me or anything in a day.. and doesn’t talk to me when I tell him I miss him and stuff….

I don't know… maybe I am stressing over nothing…

I was wondering if it would be a stupid idea to ask him to explain things to me… like just ask him to write out.. however short or long… what made him do what he did..why he stopped caring…why he cares again now….if hes serious.. what he wants from us and me and what he thinks of our future now…If he still wants it/would work toward it… and I need him to explain how he wouldn’t do this over again but at the same time doesn’t want to take it back… I know people don't like to regret things.. but.. how can you not regret it but at the same time not do it over? I don't know… maybe it’s a guy thing or something I just don't understand cuz I never felt.
I basically wish I could ask him to write out every single feeling he has toward me and us.. good and bad… and honest. I need to know where he stands before I figure out what I …..not want… but can do… I know what I want… but it really depends on how he truly feels about me… I don't ask because I am terrified of the answers… although I am sure if I told him it would be so very important to me if he answered it… he would. I asked him a bunch of questions before… they helped me … but it was a terrifying experience to go through… and some answers killed me inside…

yet at the same time... maybe it would help me... and maybe even help him realise some things....? =(

muffinsssss...... why dont you reply to my 'i miss you' texts? =( dont play games with my heart no mores...