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| Dear Muffins, I miss you terribly...
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I’m sure anyone reading this has felt the feeling of cold tears streaming down your face and soothing your burning skin. The fever comes from crying really hard for too long, as well as the swollen puffy red eyes, head/neck aches, the inability to breath, and I’m almost certain you have gotten to the point where your ears have popped once or twice in your lifetime. This pain usually comes on so strongly that you stop crying simply because you are no longer physically able to do so anymore, and normally you pass out from exhaustion. I am here holding my head together from one such cry, so that I can write out all my thoughts before they escape me through the night, and haunt me again once daylight breaks.
I have cried this hard almost every single day for the last 3 months and 11 days now. I’ll admit some days are not as hard and painful, but my heart bleeds just as much no matter how many tears are produced.
What if I never hear from him again?
What if his life gets messed up because his friends are bad influences? He has such high potential, he is so smart, he could be anything he wanted to be with such ease its unbelievable for someone his age. His one close friend only cares for sex, typical I suppose, for both a male and for one of his age, depressing none the less though. Not to mention his other friend/cousin, he dropped out of school, to top that off he steals and influences him to do the same. Not anything as bad as stealing his girlfriend in grade 8 and having sex with her. Who does that anyway? Grade 8, *gags* do you even know your own body? Hardly, you barely know it at all at that age, nothing is even fully developed, and yet, *sigh* they do it anyway. They all do it, but why him? Why my muffins? Why’d he have to feel the pain of cheating so early with one of his friends, his cousin as well? No wonder the poor thing was so hurt already…
Not to mention his family life, *sigh*. Divorced parents always affect people, no matter what the case, even the ones that claim it had no effect and hide it really well, it always affects you to grow up in an unstable home. And muffins had a bad time, his mother sleeping around with god knows how many men. What kind of message does that send to your kid? Wake up you stupid whore, your child can hear you sleeping around, that’s so snaky, how can you live with yourself? Grow up, you’re a mother, act like one bitch. Do you have any idea how that can affect him? How it DOES affect him? And how does he know he would have had a brother or sister, or know that you tried to abort him with a coat hanger like you did with the other? Did you seriously tell you son you didn’t want him? You didn’t even give him a bedroom door, what the fuck is wrong with you? Here’s an idea; if you want to have sex so badly why don’t you get a room, or hell, doesn’t your ‘boyfriend’ have a place? And what about a car or outdoors, you don’t seem to be proper enough to give a fuck where it happens anyway. I’m sure you are a great person, I’m sure you have been through a lot with your divorce, you weren’t ready for a child, and you want to feel loved just as much as me, but you need to take a little more responsibility, you produced an amazing person who is in the room right next to you, please I beg of you to realize that and take better care of him, please please please? I know you try with your strict rules, groundings and time limits, but you fail to realize that hurts him more than helps. I am guilty of the same thing, I know its hard, but please just watch over him, show him the love he so needs to see and feel, from you, from his father, from everyone, he doesn’t get as much as he deserves to have.
I fear he will mess up his whole life because of these influences, and I feel like there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t text him, I cant leave a comment for him to run across one day randomly, I cant emails him or even send a heart felt letter. I cant do any of these things because I already have tried and sent them, and I have not gotten a thoughtful, if any, response back. He wants me entirely out of his life… I couldn’t make him happy enough. What’s worse is that he emailed me basically saying just that ‘when people google my screen name I don’t want them seeing comments from you’ sigh, deleting me off every known list was another giant sign of GO THE FUCK AWAY. Even though the only mistake I made was loving him too much, caring too much and not being able to let go as easily as him… well… not being able to let go at all, seeing as how I still cry every night about losing him. Losing the only person I ever truly loved, and the only one I want to love. To feel this way about anyone else seems impossible, and I don’t even want to feel it again, what if I lost them too? I cant live through this again, I am barely hanging on now… the only thing that keeps me alive is that last week he was texting me, worried that I was hurt or dead. He worried about me… that is good, isn’t it? That is why I am still here... here for the hope I guess, the hope that seems to be fading away even more.
But I suppose, in a way, I am already dead. I don’t feel very alive, just physically alive anyway. Eating, sleeping, studying….barely. my spirit is broken, crushed, smooshed, and never to be repaired fully. Even if I were to pick up all my pieces and move forward, I would never gather them all again, I am far to shattered, little fragments of me are scattered all over, I will never feel fully complete again.
I was broken once before. But I only thought it was bad, it never was as bad as this. I never loved him like I love my muffins. I loved how he made me feel, I loved the thought. But for muffins, I loved HIM. I still do. And I know this is true, because ever since he left me, I have not stopped crying, things I just thought I simply knew were true make no sense anymore, nothing makes sense. I feel utterly lost and incomplete without him, and what is weird is that I don’t even want to move on. I would rather sit here with the broken pieces forever with him, than move away from loving him. Loving him just feels right…it is the only thing that feels right anymore. And to prove it even further, I want him to be happy. Despite all the pain I am in, there are no words, not even the greatest writer in the world could explain how hurt I am with his absence. Despite it all I just want him happy, these tears are for you, muffins. They are yours, please, somehow I hope they help you. Even though you don’t really know about the pain, I hope that somehow, they create a force that watches over you, that makes you happy, that makes you feel loved and keeps you safe.
My head is falling apart now, I am becoming weak, this is the only good part about crying so hard. After a few hours of it I just pass out. There is enough tears soaked into my pillow that I am positive I could ring it out with great ease.
Muffins, if you ever read this, I am not sure why or how, but if you do, please know that I love you so so so so soooo much. I always have, from the moment we met a year and 6 days ago. You are all I think of, all I dream of, you are all I want and all I miss. The only thing that made me truly happy and the only thing that I cant stand losing. This is what real love is, this is what real devotedness is. No matter how long we are apart, no matter what you do or say to me, the lies, the painful words, and all the logic in the world cannot stop my heart from longing for you. I hope one day you will see that. I am so sorry, but I love you.
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Posted by Jewelz17 on 2008-03-17 22:25:44 | Rating: | Views: 343
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oh babe. this was a tear jerker for me. i know how painful losing someone you love is, but you find yourself moving foward. slowly, but surely. don't dwell in the past. live in the future.
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Posted by bearding
on 2008-03-18 09:46:20
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And Muffins may very well be all you claim he is and more. The sad part of this point in time is that you can't help him unless he helps himself, and I know you know that. I know you have the best of intentions, I know that good should conquer all, I know it feels like the right thing and it SHOULD be, but this world doesn't work like the movies. I know that sounds horribly harsh, but you don't know how long it took me to realize that, and I really mean everything I say sincerely, in no way jeeringly to you.
Don't live inside your pain, don't make that your alternate reality. Don't bare that cross for him. You'll never be able to take it with you - it's all up to him.
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Posted by ladykillersmyname
on 2008-06-02 11:30:41
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Jewelz17
Ontario, Canada
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