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Dear Diary...

I painfully stare at the black white and pink calendar posted on the top right corner of my computer screen. My eyes dart over the days my hopes were highest – 5th, 7th and above all, 19th.
Tears fill my eyes as I stare at the 24th… their prom day.

My mind wanders off into deep depths of my mind where terrible painful thoughts rest.
What if they are back together?… what if I never hear from him again? and he just uses me to feel better when they fight? What if he just leaves me again and again and again? …what if his heart wont ever find its way back to me?…when will he stop crushing mine? …. I cant ever let him go…
What if we never meet and I never get to SHOW him how much I really do care?
…what if we do and I mess it up...

My heart sinks into itself as I watch the neon pink digital clock rollover another minute. Another minute not hearing from my other half, another minute with him spent with her, another minute of painfully dying slowly.

I lay in the darkness of my basement. Curled up with my blankie and pillow, tears streaming down my cheeks and bouncing off my arms, worn down laptop keyboard and soaking into my blanket. his words haunt my mind. 'I will love you forever no matter what happens.' 'I will never give up on you' no one will ever replace you, it would be a moot search' 'I dont know what i would do if i drove my J**** away' 'You are my drug, if you left I would enter J**** withdrawl'
The weird thing is these were all said when he was with her....
...I dont get it... Did you mean it?...I felt those words...they must have been true... but if they were, how could you do what you did?... =( ...why must these words haunt me when you barely even have my name cross your mind anymore?

Looking through my collection of pictures on my cell phone hurts. Every time something reminds him I snap a picture, hoping that the flash will be bright enough to burn the memory out of existence. Hoping that, somehow, by preserving it forever in phone, I will be able to flash freeze and preserve my thoughts, feelings and hurty emotions with them… but the flash is never bright enough, and memories, feelings and thoughts can never be overwritten.

I stare out the kitchen window, at the beautiful blue sky and leafy green leafs on the trees. I snap a picture with my cell phone, as it reminds me of him. Not much doesn’t. it wasn’t long ago I would be walking home from work during one such day, imagining him being right there next to me, as we text each other excitedly, pouring our hearts out to each other. Nothing can carry me through a day like that anymore. When I see a blue sky now, my heart sucks itself inward, negative tingles overpower me, how can there be a blue sky outside when my life feels so grey , empty and hurty? Will a nice day ever make me smile again?

I re-enter the room where my white and silver cell phone rests. I click the side button to check if I have received a cell phone from him yet. No such luck. Getting my hopes up and getting them crushed more and more with every click kills.. I bring that little phone with me everywhere… I even sleep right next to it… just incase he tries to talk to me… and when he does, no matter how tired I am, the vibration noise it makes off the desk wakes me up and alerts me to his needs no matter what time of day or night. I am thankful and excited, egar to read his text but scared to death at the same time. My heart races and flutters...and when it isnt him... I almost get angry at whoever it is for making me feel that way falsely. Negative tingles overpower me and I slip further into depression, wondering if it will ever be him again. As he himself said, he experiences this sometimes too...and he was accurate enough to say whenever that happens you 'cry inside' .... if he knows how that feels... it means he cares/misses/loves me back...doesnt it? =/...

I still haven’t heard from him since my last entry. Except for him saying he has a lot on his mind and that ‘the female thing is bullshit’ whatever that means… =/ … it is either good for me or bad… and with his 2 full days of silence and counting, it seems to be the latter one is more likely…

When will I hear from you again? Will I? will it be only because your in another fight with her?...=(... Maybe he isn’t even back with her… it is the weekend after all… maybe he is just busy with friends and his YGO … sigh… you see what I mean? The hopeful excuses I make for everything are all I have to live off of…

I type in his myspace link, to see if he had signed on today yet. I had stopped doing that for a while...once he told me the truth about things. For a while I would look to see if his picture changed to a couple one with her, if it didnt I would look at it as another hopeful day that he didnt even have a girlfriend. But, sigh, once he told me the truth about everything, it no longer matterd to try to figure it out and hope for the best anymore... I look now just to see him, to see if hes at least okay. whenever I see that he has been on I hurt a little inside, only if I was on all day. It means he was on the computer searching through everything, looking through his regular visited sites, but not even a single thought to go online and see if I was at least okay... like I
do for him daily...

I lightly run my finger over his picture as tears flood my eyes again. For some odd reason it doest feel creepy or weird, though it might be a touch creepy when thought about... I just remember the time he put his hand on the screen on cam... and I did it back... it was hurty inside... I wish I could run my fingers though his adorable hair for real... but I wouldnt be the first one... I dont kow why not being the first bothers me so much...I guess because I put so much meaning into waiting and stuff.. He would be my first EVERYTHING, and I would be his first NOTHING. It doesnt seem fair....and to me to just...feels like it shows I care so much more than he does about me.

My only hope is that, if we get back together for reallies, when WE cuddle, when WE do things..it will feel different than when anyone else did to him, in a good way. Like there is more love there, more longing....more...rightness?...that is all I can hope for if I ever get the real chance to share anything with him.

Until the other night, I hadn’t ever read over my posts, or listened/watched the video logs. I watched and read them all in one night, and it is a lot to take in at once. Maybe I am too obsessed with him… it is hard keep in mind that all these blogs and vlogs have been written over almost 4 months, when you read and watch it all in one day, it is overwhelming.

*sigh* I guess that means it might be bad to show him… what if he looks as it as me being insane and obsessed rather than just hopelessly in love and full of hope for our future still? What if he sees me as crazy instead of just in pain because the very thought of him leaving me, doing what he did, not regretting it and never getting my love muffins back DESTROYS me in the most terrible, painful, awfulest way imaginable. It makes me want to just..die…

I am so depressed.. I never had happiness before..and now it is all taken away just as easily and unexpectedly as it came… it makes me want to curl into a ball and squeeze so tightly that I just vanish from existence.. it makes me want to go to him and cling to him and just… make him love me.. somehow… I just …. I miss what we had so fucking much.. and I wished he missed it too.. =(… I wish it were possible to make him miss/want it..and I wish I knew how to do so. I would take such good care of him.. at least try my effing best… and he wouldn’t have to feel unloved ever…
T.T maybe love really isn’t enough…

Now I understand ALL those songs on the radio… sigh. =( Oh Muffins, why did you do this to me?

Why am I cursed when it comes to love? I know it is ridiculous, and sometimes I feel downright pathetic for loving him so deeply… but I cannot stop it. I love you muffins… I really truly do. But I cant have you anymore…can I?... T.T

Even when you say you want back in my life and out of hers… your actions do the opposite… I don't know what you truly want, and I don't know if even you know it. I am waiting out for summer. Once summer starts, if you are still making excuses to be with her…. I … well… it goes without being said. Please do not do that to me… I.. sigh, … I love you so truly, so strongly..so madly, so deeply, so purely… so manies.

My Heart Is Yours. For Always.