Thoughts.com Blogs - Been thinking... Spilliage of thoughts...

The last few days since you abandoned me for the second time… I have been thinking a lot and realizing a lot too….

Basically… our whole relationship must have been lies. You told me that myspace girl wasn’t important.. and you say now she is a different girl other than who you are with… which I still have doubts about… but even so you said ‘all we did was hold hands’ you obviously talked on the phone… and you said you bought her a sweater. This means that before you even told me you loved me… you were already in a way cheating on me with someone else… which.. to add to that… your anniversary with your current gf… is the 24th….. sigh….. that’s OUR anniversary…. When you told me you loved me… that was the 24th of Aug… some sign that is I guess…

To add to that… if you were friends with her in October.. but dating by November.. you were obviously being really close to her and holding hands.. kissing and what not. I had NO IDEA. … and in October and November… you were telling me all these things…. Including the promise to save your virginity for me… you said that in November… the 6th I believe… but you were already really close with her…

It makes me wonder what made you finally tell me something was up on December 6th…. I’m sure it was the day you had sex… so now I know that one month after you PROMISED me you’d wait… you gave it away.. to someone you knew for only 2 months… while those 2 months were going on .. you were telling me you still loved me… and I didn’t even know anything was wrong…*sobbing* that makes me feel really stupid. I should have never trusted you… I don’t know why I did….our whole relationship was all lies… you were always with someone else.

I lost a lot of respect for you… I thought you were the kind of person to wait with someone.. and take it slow…. I thought of the possibility of you having sex with her….if she existed even though you told me no one did… but I never thought it would only take two months for you to do it. I thought you were different.. and I was wrong… and I cant explain how much that hurts me.

And the thing that really gets me…. Its that you were cheated on before… shouldn’t you know the pain? How can you do that to someone? And to me? I would have given you ANYTHING…. Littlerly.. I wanted to give you everything I could.. and I wanted to wait for you no matter how long it took…. Why would you hurt someone that only wanted to help you? Why would you lie to me? You told me I could trust you… that you wouldn’t hurt me… and I thought everything you said was true… if you didn’t really love me .. and were with other people all the time… why’d you tell me you loved me? And in such a cute way too…and another thing that really gets me is it took you 6 months to tell me you loved me… and only 2 months to fuck her. What does that even mean? Why didn’t you just leave when I told you I didn’t want to get attached?

AND… what the FUCK .. that night, when you were crying and told me that… and I FINALLY sensed something wrong… I asked what you did… you got mad at ME. You actually… got mad at me for not ‘caring about your feelings’ what the fuck was that? You were cheating on me the whole time…. and yet you still found it justifiable to get mad at me? Not to mention when I really think about it all… after you had sex… you told me I deserved what was happening… that I had it coming…how does anyone deserve that?

I thought that what people ultimately looked for in someone… was for them to love them unconditionally.. no matter what. For someone to wait for them… to keep promises… to be faithful… and honest.. and trusting…I never lied to you.. I never cheated.. I didn’t even THINK of cheating. My whole high school life, I wanted to go to university to meet guys and find that perfect boyfriend finally.. and I gave that up because I thought I had already found the perfect one… and you knew that. I told you that was my plan when we met… and you still let me wait for you even though you didn’t really want me… your fucking selfish. And a fucking asshole.

And then… to top all this off… you have the balls to come back last weekend… to talk to me… to tell me you miss me and want back in my life.. and make it seem like you wanted us to try again. You tell me the truth about things… and it was like… you told me you were telling me these things because you wanted me to know everything before making decisions… and you knew what you did would hurt us. Which is fine. If you wanted back… then you were doing the right thing… but you didn’t really want back. Because you are gone now… with her again. I don’t understand why you came back… and I wish you didn’t.

Telling me everything just made me hurt even more. Now I have no false hope to fall onto… and I don’t know why real truth is better than false hope in this situation. Now I have NOTHING to keep me going on… my false hope wasn’t hurting anyone…. I didn’t even talk to you unless you talked to me anymore… and I don’t understand why you did this to me… again….

I feel like you kept asking about the future… talking about it.. its like you still want us to have a future… and you were telling me the truth because if you didn’t it would make the future even worse.. so its like you really didn’t tell me for me… you were telling me for you… so that just incase you want back you can tell me ‘oh well at least I told you the truth when it was happening’ which doesn’t really matter…

You basically fucked up and threw away our future the moment you stuck your dick in her lose, dirty. Sluty, used, ronchy, probably std infected crotch. Especially so soon after promising me you’d wait, especially so soon after meeting her… especially after cheating on me for months and months… practically the whole time. how do you expect me to want a future? How will I ever trust you again? ….

The worst part is that I still love you… I still fucking love you. I don’t know why. I’m an idiot… but I cant let you have us both. So that’s why I told you you had to chose one of us… and it hurts me even more that on Monday, the first night you went back with her after missing me and stuff.. you refused her sex, but couldn’t break up with her… and by Tuesday you fucked her…. Im not even worth waiting for for two days? And then you abandoned me again… I don’t understand what you want from me… I don’t understand what goes through your head…

How can you be with someone you fight with all the time, that you keep me from her, that you break up and go back out a lot, that you felt forced into sex with…..i don’t get that… how can you be with her when you told me that if you could have total control you would chose me to be top priority… how can you physically be with someone when you don’t love them all the way? When they aren’t your whole world… she cant be your whole world because If she was you wouldn’t have come back to say anything to me… you would have totally forgotten about me… right? So why are you having sex with her? I just thought that….i don’t know… you aren’t that kind of person… you weren’t…. I don’t know what happened…

I miss what we had… and I miss thinking of the future we were supposed to have together…and I still want it. And I still think it would be possible… since I still love you so, so much. I lost a lot of respect… all my trust… and quite a bit of love… but I still do love you a lot. The only problem is it would take a lot of work, time and energy from you…and I’m not sure if your up to it… the ball is in your court but I;m not sure I even want to play yet… I’m waiting for your sign…. Which im guessing wont happen till you and her break up for good… and I don’t know……i dont know when/if that will happen... and if i even should come back no matter what my heart wants…… this just got a million times more complicated…sigh. Why'd you do this?