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It's been a while...
6 months to the day today...and... This note.. Its... for the first time, I yelled. For the first time, I let my hurtful, angry, painful words out..
Muffins hadn't talked to me for a week and a half... but for the first time, I didn't care. Maybe it was because I have been busy with work...maybe because I have been working out a little bit and tried yoga, which is supposed to make you relieve stress...
but I think its most likely the fact that, he abandoned me for the 7th time when he left last time... and with that leaving he took a little more of my heart, and there isn't much left to take. I'm starting to go numb with pain.. I barely feel anything now...
I don't ..I don't think I want to love you anymore
I don't want to want to be with you
I don't want to want you to talk to me...
I don't want to want to meet you...I don't want to want things to work out.
I still want all these things so badly..and I still love you with all my heart ...(thats left) ... But... I don't think I want it to be that way anymore. All it does is hurt me... all it does is make me cry my eyes out day after day...it makes me hurt even more that you don't care...
sigh, I haven't even yelled at him, not once. not ONCE. even though I am destroyed, even though I HURT MORE THAN I EVER HAVE IN MY LIFE...he doesn't know because I haven't told him... sigh...
He texted me Wednesday....It sucked because I had the calling card in my hand...and a thought of what I wanted to say to him. I planned on calling him and leaving him a message... I wanted to wish him good luck on his exams... I wanted to use the card for the reason I bought it for.. I wanted him to hear my voice...I wanted to make his day...
He texted... 'I got in a fight today. Knuckles be all bloody.' Sigh. I didnt call. I didnt text. I tried to call...I couldn't... It was beacuse I was scared... I was nervous...But also because ... I didn't want to just be all sweet and nice to him. why? he isn't nice to me...not at all.. he doesn't ask how I am.. I could be dead..in the hospital...I could have run away and gotten married and got knocked up and lost my leg in a trucker accident.... and he wouldn't know any of it..because he never asks about me..or my life..how Im feeling.. or anything. its just about him him him him .. I got in a fight feel sorry for me ask me if im ok give ME love and affection and attention MEMEMEMEMME IIIIIII ....well.. fuck you. FUCK YOU OK.
what about me? what about my pain that YOU caused me? I'm sick of crying for shit YOU did to me, I'm sick of worrying about you and how you are and if your okay night after night. I'm sick of falling asleep feeling like pure shit and hurt because I miss you and what we had. I'm sick of hoping and wishing and dreaming and praying LITERALLY. with all my might that we can be okay, that you are being SERIOUS when you say you love me and want back... being truthful when you say you want out of her relationship and wish you could be back in mine...
I'm sick of you abandoning me...I'm sick of hurting and beating myself up because I believe you ...like an idiot.
I'm sick of feeling worthless.....
I feel so worthless....
YOU make me feel sooo worthless.
Worth less then the dirt people cover up with pavement and walk all over. worth less than the least worthy thing in the UNIVERSE.
Its bad enough I'm going through a mid life crisis already... its bad enough I have to go through it all alone because the love of my life abandoned me in the worst way imaginable... but stop fucking coming back and leaving me again and again. I am not a toy... you cant just play with me whenever you want... you cant just use me... =(
sigh... I just........I cant belive you. How could you do this to me? Fuck... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck . It has been 6 months TO THE DAY. exactly six months ago, you woke up, texted me 'good morning loves *Kiss on forhead*' then later that night got mad at me because of shit YOU DID. then didnt even have the balls to tell me what YOU DID TO ME. for MONTHSSSSSSSSSS.
I GAVE UP SO MUCH FOR YOU. HOW CAN YOU BE SO FUCKING SELFISH? I HAVE CRIED EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR THE LAST 6 MONTHS, BEACUSE I PUT SO MUCH INTO YOU AND US,. AND IT WAS ALL A GAME AND JOKE TO YOU. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I GO THROUGH EVRERYDAY. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO CRY TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT FOR SOMETHING YOU CANT EVEN HELP. FOR SOMETHING THAT IS OUT OF YOUR REACH AND YOU WANT SOO BADLY. BUT EVEN IF YOU GOT IT, YOU STILL REALLY DON'T HAVE IT, BECAUSE ITS GONE AND LEFT A LONG TIME AGO. THE THING I WANT MORE IN THE WORLD...FOR MY WHOLE LIFE... IS GONE. EVERYTHING I BELIEVE IN IS GONE. EVERYTHING I WANTED IS GONE. EVERYTHING I WAS STILL BREATHING FOR IS GONE. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE 0 CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE, AND IT FEELS LIKE IT IS SLOWLY CRUSHING YOU TO DEATH. SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY.
You think your life is so painful. you don't know shit. oh, how horrible it must be to have someone care more about you than anything else on the planet, even herself. and then have some other girl who probably cares alot too. it must be so aweful to have people care for you. oh poor you. *rolls eyes*
let me tell you something. the shit you feel. is caused by YOU. YOU CAUSE THE PAIN YOU FEEL. I don't. all the pain I have... I don't feel I deserve. I shouldn't have to go through all this pain for you.. I shouldn't have to cry and hurt and feel worthless because of something YOU DID.
I wanted to hurt at the benging...because it proved to me I cared for real, and I hoped that in some way, it would help YOU in a sense. but now...why should my pain make you happy? all I did was love you. why is that so wrong and aweful? what did I do to deserve the shit you did to me? NOTHING. I didn't do anything wrong... You just... ugh.
You better hope karma isn't real. |
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Posted by Jewelz17 on 2008-06-06 16:34:04 | Rating: | Views: 217
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u know wat i feel the same way..i dont know how to put it out in so many words...karma is real..he wil get punished for causing u so much pain..he will..
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Posted by lpush
on 2008-06-07 01:28:34
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The pain from this is like riding a bike its something youll always remember. However its how you choose to "ride" the bike again is what matters. You hurt alot from what hes done to you, but what about what your doing to yourself as well. Dont make this double the pain. You deserve much better then what hes done, while others may have only some of what he is, Theres many new things to learn and like. Youll be surprised as to what things you have forgotten about yourself.
Keep your chin up. Its not easy but find a new you. maybe new hairstyle new cloths, find something to feel good about.
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Posted by MattCatt
on 2008-06-07 02:28:11
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It's really fucking unfathomable isn't it? It's all one big question that no matter how hard you beat your fists into it, he will never give you the dignity of an answer, nothing befitting enough or sincere enough because he IS that selfish.
Honestly, I agree with MattCatt in so many words. It's time to treat yourself, and that's all up to you. You need to grieve properly to get out all this anger, maybe create something like a collage or draw something, or write a poem. Then I would take this anger and use that knowledge to recreate yourself. You need a change, you need something to signify to yourself that this is a STEP UP in your life and things are going to be different from here on out. Usually a new get-up is just the thing to do it. You deserve a splurge.
He can go live in a corner and figure out how to fuck himself. Here's to you for stepping up!
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Posted by ladykillersmyname
on 2008-06-07 09:26:28
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Jewelz17
Ontario, Canada
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